DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the course of the year, I have loaned my best friend quite a bit of money. It was in little bits here and there, always with the promise that he would pay me back. Now we are about to settle, and I realize that I have no idea how much in total I loaned to him. I don't expect him to lie about it, but I know that I was pretty sloppy with this transaction considering that I really do need him to pay me back. Is it crazy for me to ask him if he has a log of the loans? What can I do to have an accurate account of how much he is to pay me back? -- Mad at Myself, Shreveport, La.

DEAR MAD AT MYSELF: You are not unusual in your challenge right now. When people do business with friends and family, it is often messy. Obviously, that is not the best approach. Since you are in this position, you are at the mercy of your friend's honesty, and more, his level of organization.

Be honest with him. Tell him that your records are flawed. Ask him if he knows the exact sum he owes you and if he actually kept records of dates and payments. If not, you will have to base the amount on the best recollection that the two of you have. Moving forward, make sure that you write these transactions down and that you include receipts for the money that changes hands if you expect to be reimbursed in the future. Being professional about your agreement keeps it clean and reduces any emotional impact.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a yo-yo dieter and exerciser for years. Surprise, I am overweight. I just can't seem to get it in my head to move my body consistently. Then I get mad at myself when I look in the mirror and see that I am carrying around extra pounds. I feel sick at how inconsistent I have been. But that feeling hasn't gotten me to get my butt up and move. With the cold weather coming, I fear that I will do nothing for months and be in an even worse position in the spring. How can I snap out of this? I want better for myself. -- Fat and Frustrated, Los Angeles

DEAR FAT AND FRUSTRATED: What you need is motivation. Start by getting a physical so that you know what your health status is and if you have any specific concerns to take into consideration. Ask your doctor if you can get a referral for a nutritionist who can help you craft a healthy eating plan.

Next, set simple goals for yourself, nothing too big. For instance, you can promise yourself to walk each day. Start small with just 10 minutes. Walk those 10 minutes for a whole week and mark it off on your calendar. Then add five minutes. Build up to 30 over time. Invite a friend or neighbor to walk with you. Or choose another activity that is easy and manageable. Write it down and check it off when you do it. Your record of success will help you to keep moving. Consider joining Weight Watchers or another organization that supports people in meeting their health goals. You can do it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: Our family has tried both family meetings and professional family counseling, but my adult daughter has moved out, and now she says she doesn't want to speak to either my husband or her sister for the next 10 years! I can have conversations with her, but it's not easy. If I ask too many questions, she accuses me of trying to control her life or insinuating she can't choose good things for herself. But really, I am just concerned and trying to make friendly suggestions that she may or may not decide to follow. She has lost jobs because she rubs people the wrong way and is very accusatory and judgmental. She cannot take any type of criticism, no matter how well-intentioned. She is constantly asserting her independence as if we don't understand she is an adult. Mutual friends have told me she acts well below her age, and they are concerned about her, too. If I were to suggest a mental health evaluation, I know she would refuse. What can I do to help my daughter understand herself and others better? -- Concerned Mom, Atlanta

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: As you already know, you cannot live your daughter's life for her. For her to say she does not want to speak to her family for 10 years means she must feel suffocated in some way. She wants to be independent. You say she is an adult. It is probably time for her to go out on her own and figure out how to live independently. Will she make mistakes? Of course. Everyone does, even people who seem to be well-adjusted.

For now, give her space. Let her make choices and live with them. If you know people who are close to her who she will allow to check in with her, rely on them to keep you posted on how she is doing. When she does come around, resist the temptation to give her advice. Become a good listener. If she asks you for input, give it in as loving a manner as possible. The only way she is going to gain maturity is to grow up.

You may want to seek some mental health counseling during this period. Learn how you can become independent of your daughter. When you both can live your lives separately, you may end up better able to coexist.

DEAR HARRIETTE: [In response to the woman who was impatiently waiting for her beau to ask her to get married.] Listen to my voice of experience. Wait for him to ask.

Famous last words, "Either fish or cut bait." Huge mistake. I've never measured up to his ex, even though he married me. -- Number Two, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR NUMBER TWO: I can hear your sadness through your letter. In some instances, it is true that women push their boyfriends into marriage. That is not smart. I do think that talking about marriage is fair game, though. Learning how both of you think about the institution is wise. You also do need to be sure that your partner chooses you above others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my godfather has pancreatic cancer. He is a very private man, so I don't want to offend him by saying anything wrong, but I definitely want to contact him to see if I can do anything to help. I don't think his illness is a secret. My mother told me about it. I am scared, and I don't know what to do. Everything I have read about this disease is horrible. How can I be a good goddaughter to him at this terrible time? We don't live in the same town, so visiting him is not an immediate option. -- Eggshells, Racine, Mich.

DEAR EGGSHELLS: You are thoughtful to be concerned about not embarrassing your godfather or invading his privacy. What's most important is that you let him know that you are thinking about him and that you love him. By all means, pick up the phone and call him. Ask him how he is doing. He will tell you whatever he feels comfortable sharing. Tell him about your life and what you have been doing of late.

The simple act of sharing your own joy and experiences can be fulfilling, and it has nothing to do with your godfather's illness.

Before you get off the phone, ask him if there is anything you can do for him. If he does give you a recommendation, be sure to act on it immediately. And be more attentive. Call him once a week. Plan a visit in the near future, if he would like that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I voted in my city's local primary elections like I always do, and I'm bummed. None of my candidates won. I feel deflated. I know that there's no magic wand you can wave to get your candidate, but I am not nearly as excited now that my candidates lost. How can I become more enthusiastic about the political process? Honestly, right now I feel like it is a waste of my time to even vote. -- Disheartened, Queens

DEAR DISHEARTENED: Part of the democratic process is that more than one candidate runs for elective office. In the primaries, there are even more candidates so that citizens can select within their party for the "best" candidate who will oppose the "best" candidate from the other party in the general election. Naturally, not every candidate wins.

What is exciting about our process is that we do have choices and we have the freedom to vote for our choices. No, our candidates don't always win, but just look at some other countries around the world where the political process does not allow the citizens to vote for their own choices. Our system is not perfect, and there will be plenty of times when we become disappointed, but we enjoy the freedom of choice that is elusive for millions around the world.

To become more enthusiastic, consider volunteering for your political party of choice or for a particular candidate. Know that you may not always win, but by immersing yourself in the system, you will learn how it works and how it can be improved. Get involved!