DEAR HARRIETTE: Our family has tried both family meetings and professional family counseling, but my adult daughter has moved out, and now she says she doesn't want to speak to either my husband or her sister for the next 10 years! I can have conversations with her, but it's not easy. If I ask too many questions, she accuses me of trying to control her life or insinuating she can't choose good things for herself. But really, I am just concerned and trying to make friendly suggestions that she may or may not decide to follow. She has lost jobs because she rubs people the wrong way and is very accusatory and judgmental. She cannot take any type of criticism, no matter how well-intentioned. She is constantly asserting her independence as if we don't understand she is an adult. Mutual friends have told me she acts well below her age, and they are concerned about her, too. If I were to suggest a mental health evaluation, I know she would refuse. What can I do to help my daughter understand herself and others better? -- Concerned Mom, Atlanta

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: As you already know, you cannot live your daughter's life for her. For her to say she does not want to speak to her family for 10 years means she must feel suffocated in some way. She wants to be independent. You say she is an adult. It is probably time for her to go out on her own and figure out how to live independently. Will she make mistakes? Of course. Everyone does, even people who seem to be well-adjusted.

For now, give her space. Let her make choices and live with them. If you know people who are close to her who she will allow to check in with her, rely on them to keep you posted on how she is doing. When she does come around, resist the temptation to give her advice. Become a good listener. If she asks you for input, give it in as loving a manner as possible. The only way she is going to gain maturity is to grow up.

You may want to seek some mental health counseling during this period. Learn how you can become independent of your daughter. When you both can live your lives separately, you may end up better able to coexist.

DEAR HARRIETTE: [In response to the woman who was impatiently waiting for her beau to ask her to get married.] Listen to my voice of experience. Wait for him to ask.

Famous last words, "Either fish or cut bait." Huge mistake. I've never measured up to his ex, even though he married me. -- Number Two, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR NUMBER TWO: I can hear your sadness through your letter. In some instances, it is true that women push their boyfriends into marriage. That is not smart. I do think that talking about marriage is fair game, though. Learning how both of you think about the institution is wise. You also do need to be sure that your partner chooses you above others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my godfather has pancreatic cancer. He is a very private man, so I don't want to offend him by saying anything wrong, but I definitely want to contact him to see if I can do anything to help. I don't think his illness is a secret. My mother told me about it. I am scared, and I don't know what to do. Everything I have read about this disease is horrible. How can I be a good goddaughter to him at this terrible time? We don't live in the same town, so visiting him is not an immediate option. -- Eggshells, Racine, Mich.

DEAR EGGSHELLS: You are thoughtful to be concerned about not embarrassing your godfather or invading his privacy. What's most important is that you let him know that you are thinking about him and that you love him. By all means, pick up the phone and call him. Ask him how he is doing. He will tell you whatever he feels comfortable sharing. Tell him about your life and what you have been doing of late.

The simple act of sharing your own joy and experiences can be fulfilling, and it has nothing to do with your godfather's illness.

Before you get off the phone, ask him if there is anything you can do for him. If he does give you a recommendation, be sure to act on it immediately. And be more attentive. Call him once a week. Plan a visit in the near future, if he would like that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I voted in my city's local primary elections like I always do, and I'm bummed. None of my candidates won. I feel deflated. I know that there's no magic wand you can wave to get your candidate, but I am not nearly as excited now that my candidates lost. How can I become more enthusiastic about the political process? Honestly, right now I feel like it is a waste of my time to even vote. -- Disheartened, Queens

DEAR DISHEARTENED: Part of the democratic process is that more than one candidate runs for elective office. In the primaries, there are even more candidates so that citizens can select within their party for the "best" candidate who will oppose the "best" candidate from the other party in the general election. Naturally, not every candidate wins.

What is exciting about our process is that we do have choices and we have the freedom to vote for our choices. No, our candidates don't always win, but just look at some other countries around the world where the political process does not allow the citizens to vote for their own choices. Our system is not perfect, and there will be plenty of times when we become disappointed, but we enjoy the freedom of choice that is elusive for millions around the world.

To become more enthusiastic, consider volunteering for your political party of choice or for a particular candidate. Know that you may not always win, but by immersing yourself in the system, you will learn how it works and how it can be improved. Get involved!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I spent the summer abroad with a program from my school. While I was away, I met a guy who turned out to be such a sweetheart. We spent a lot of time together and grew very fond of each other. He took me all around to see his country, and it was very pleasant. I'm back home, and he just called to say that he is planning to move to America. In a roundabout way, he let me know that he is planning to come because he wants to be with me. I do not feel the same. I like him and we had fun together, but I do not want to date him. I never led him on in that way, either. Yes, we dated, but we didn't "do anything," so to speak. How can I let him know that I like him, but not like that? I would hate for him to come all the way over here expecting a relationship that is not going to happen. -- Putting on the Brakes, Jacksonville, Fla.

DEAR PUTTING ON THE BRAKES: It is great that you are dating without becoming too intimately involved with your suitors -- this time, anyway. It does make it easier for you to evaluate whether you want your relationship to advance to a more committed place or not.

From this young man's perspective, however, he may not know that you are not interested in him romantically. It is your obligation to let him know, but be kind. If he wants to come to the United States, he should. Ask him why he wants to come. Does he have dreams for his career? What are his motivations? If he says that you are the driving force, then tell him directly that you appreciate that but you are not interested in making that kind of commitment. Tell him you enjoyed your time together tremendously, and if he comes to your homeland, you will be happy to show him around, but that you are not interested in kindling a relationship with him.

You do have to let him know so that he can manage his expectations. If he comes, you also owe him a bit of American hospitality. You can hang out, introduce him to your friends and have a good time without becoming his girlfriend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I let my friend borrow my favorite dress to go to a fancy party. Yes, you already know the drill. She gave it back to me soiled. She didn't even send it to the dry cleaner. Who does that? She handed it to me in a bag, and I didn't look at it until I got home. It's as if she wore the dress, dropped it in the bag and handed it off to me. So now I have to pay for it to be cleaned. I want to confront her about this. What should I say? -- Appalled, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR APPALLED: Be direct. Tell your friend that you are taking the dress to the dry cleaner and that you will let her know how much the bill is when it is ready. Follow up with the price and ask her to reimburse you. Chances are this will jar her into realizing her misstep.