DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 40-year-old man, and I live with my sister and her three kids. I have lived with them for a couple of years because I lost my job. Her eldest, who is 16, has had a tough time these past two years. She got thrown out of two high schools because she kept cutting class and fighting. We just got her into another school, and she seemed to be headed on the right track. Last week, though, we got horrible news. She is four months pregnant!

I know how wonderful babies are, but that is the last thing my niece needs. My sister works two jobs. I work part-time now. We are barely getting by, and she hid this all this time. My sister has gotten her into another school because the one they just secured is turning her away because of the pregnancy. But what's next? What can I do to support her and my sister? I feel overwhelmed. Part of me wants to move out and be independent, but I can't afford it. -- Stuck, St. Louis

DEAR STUCK: Obviously family is important. Talk to your sister about her situation. Check in to learn what she plans to do to support her daughter. Will she have the baby? Will she keep it? How will she care for it if she does? As a minor, your niece still has a lot of growing up to do, and now she also likely has to learn how to be a mother. If the plan is to keep the baby, suggest that your sister enroll her in classes on how to care for a baby. As tough as it may be, she should also stay in school. Whatever educational foundation she can get will help her in the future. There are a number of websites that provide support for pregnant teens, including getrealwithyourself.com. Your sister and her daughter need support to get through this.

Be honest with your sister. Let her know that you do not want to live with them indefinitely. Talk openly about a family transition plan. Keep in mind that you should make yourself available to support your sister just as she took you in when you needed shelter. Now is not the time to run. Work together to identify how you can help her deal with this family challenge as you make it clear that you do need to be on your own.

Contemplate what you want to do with your life. What work do you want to do that will help you take care of yourself? What do you need to do to live independently? How can you live on your own and help your family? It may feel like bad timing for you to plan your exit, but if you intend to have your own life and possibly your own family, you need to create space in order to make that happen.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I really like the man I am dating, and I feel like it is time for him to meet my parents. I ran the idea by them, and they agreed -- under one condition. My parents would like him to meet them at church. I told my boyfriend their request, and he was not pleased with the idea. He is not the churchgoing type, and when I told my parents that my boyfriend would not be attending our church service, they were upset. Now my parents are giving me grief because my boyfriend will not come to church to see them, and my boyfriend is upset with me. All I want is for them to revolve peacefully in my universe, and I need your help to try to find a happy medium. -- What a Girl Wants, West Orange, N.J.

DEAR WHAT A GIRL WANTS: I'm sure you know that religion can be a stumbling block for young love, especially when it comes to getting serious. Your parents want to see what your boyfriend is made of, and they are trying to control their meeting to that end. That would not be the strategy I would choose straight out the gate. There is time to meet him, get to know him a bit and talk about religion rather than force him into a religious environment.

Ask your parents and your boyfriend to reach a truce. Suggest to your parents that they meet him at their home for the first visit. Tell your boyfriend that you do want him to visit your parents' church at least once. Tell everyone that it is very important to you that they all meet. Ask for their calm hearts to help soften the way.

Know that if you two get serious, you will need to address how you will handle your religious differences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: As a 34-year employee of the U.S. Postal Service, it gets a little old hearing it referred to as "snail mail." Please do not encourage your readers to use it if you can't even call it by its proper name. -- Disappointed, Shreveport, La.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I really appreciate your note. It has become so easy to be unconsciously dismissive of the traditional delivery of mail through the United States Postal Service. Your words definitely serve as a wake-up call to be respectful of this treasured agency of our country that has for so many generations kept us in touch with each other.

Now that the Internet seems to be king, and other courier options promise to deliver more quickly, the value of the USPS has diminished -- hence the moniker "snail mail," which I was not meaning in a disparaging way. I fully understand that it implies less-than-competent service. So, my sincere apology. Thank you for calling me on it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your response to "Good Friend" about whether to invite a newly sober friend to a party.

From the viewpoint of the sister of a recovered alcoholic, I respectfully disagree with the advice you gave. One of the most difficult aspects of "becoming sober" for my sister was the fear that people would treat her differently, brand her as an alcoholic, etc.

Based on our family experience, the best thing to do in this situation is to invite her friend. Unless "dry" parties are the norm in her circle, which I doubt they are, the friend will know that alcohol will be served and can decide, along with his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor, whether he will be comfortable attending.

My sister was advised to avoid situations with lots of alcohol in early recovery and to do so as long as her sobriety was tenuous. AA does not encourage people to live like nuns, avoiding situations where alcohol is served, as long as they have a valid reason for being there. Alcohol is pervasive in our society, and recovering alcoholics learn how to handle triggers. My sister can now go anywhere alcohol is served, enjoy herself and stay sober.

The stigma of alcoholism remains strong, and the last thing people in recovery need is to feel that their friends and family are watching over them, constantly afraid they'll go off the wagon. They need the support and company of their friends, not to be treated as "different" from others. I learned this the hard way. -- Anonymous, Ann Arbor, Mich.

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Thank you for your detailed letter explaining how to support people recovering from alcoholism. You bring up important points about how to simply be a friend.

I believe that the person in question was newly sober. In that case, I do not think it is wise to bring vulnerable loved ones into the space of a party with alcohol, which is similar to your point about how AA suggests to people in early recovery that they avoid situations "with lots of alcohol." I do not think that such an invitation would be kind. Otherwise, I fully agree with your assessment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Here's a radical idea for "Good Friend" ... if you and a few friends are honestly concerned about your recovering friend, why not have a party without alcohol? It's amazing -- there are hundreds of thousands of us nondrinkers who have discovered that it is possible to have a good time without alcohol. If you're really a good friend, how about a bit of sacrifice? -- Really Good Friend, Nampa, Idaho

DEAR REALLY GOOD FRIEND: I love your idea of an alcohol-free party. While it may not be the norm, it is a great way to include a newly sober friend without creating discomfort.

As Anonymous pointed out, since most parties do include alcohol, a host should not feel that every party he or she invites this person to attend must be alcohol-free. Instead, the host can be mindful to serve something for everyone.