DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your response to "Good Friend" about whether to invite a newly sober friend to a party.

From the viewpoint of the sister of a recovered alcoholic, I respectfully disagree with the advice you gave. One of the most difficult aspects of "becoming sober" for my sister was the fear that people would treat her differently, brand her as an alcoholic, etc.

Based on our family experience, the best thing to do in this situation is to invite her friend. Unless "dry" parties are the norm in her circle, which I doubt they are, the friend will know that alcohol will be served and can decide, along with his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor, whether he will be comfortable attending.

My sister was advised to avoid situations with lots of alcohol in early recovery and to do so as long as her sobriety was tenuous. AA does not encourage people to live like nuns, avoiding situations where alcohol is served, as long as they have a valid reason for being there. Alcohol is pervasive in our society, and recovering alcoholics learn how to handle triggers. My sister can now go anywhere alcohol is served, enjoy herself and stay sober.

The stigma of alcoholism remains strong, and the last thing people in recovery need is to feel that their friends and family are watching over them, constantly afraid they'll go off the wagon. They need the support and company of their friends, not to be treated as "different" from others. I learned this the hard way. -- Anonymous, Ann Arbor, Mich.

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Thank you for your detailed letter explaining how to support people recovering from alcoholism. You bring up important points about how to simply be a friend.

I believe that the person in question was newly sober. In that case, I do not think it is wise to bring vulnerable loved ones into the space of a party with alcohol, which is similar to your point about how AA suggests to people in early recovery that they avoid situations "with lots of alcohol." I do not think that such an invitation would be kind. Otherwise, I fully agree with your assessment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Here's a radical idea for "Good Friend" ... if you and a few friends are honestly concerned about your recovering friend, why not have a party without alcohol? It's amazing -- there are hundreds of thousands of us nondrinkers who have discovered that it is possible to have a good time without alcohol. If you're really a good friend, how about a bit of sacrifice? -- Really Good Friend, Nampa, Idaho

DEAR REALLY GOOD FRIEND: I love your idea of an alcohol-free party. While it may not be the norm, it is a great way to include a newly sober friend without creating discomfort.

As Anonymous pointed out, since most parties do include alcohol, a host should not feel that every party he or she invites this person to attend must be alcohol-free. Instead, the host can be mindful to serve something for everyone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband had a big work meeting the other day that was followed by a dinner. He called me late in the evening to say that he had had too much to drink and was going to stay at the office rather than risk driving home intoxicated. It was so late that it hardly registered with me. In the morning, he came home and he looked like he'd had a hard night. I gave him some tea and food, and he went to take a nap. On the one hand, I think he made a smart decision. It is dangerous to drive drunk. But part of me is really angry. How could he get into that situation in the first place? What did he do at work, and could it jeopardize his job? Where did he really stay? My mind is spinning out of control, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't want to start a fight, but I do want him to know how deeply this has affected me. How can I approach him? -- Careful Steps, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR CAREFUL STEPS: When your husband is alert and sober, ask him to sit down and talk with you. Tell him how grateful you are that he is safe and that he made a wise choice not to drive. Then ask him to tell you what happened. Listen to his story. If needed, ask him more questions so that you can understand the events of that evening. Do your best not to sound like the Grand Inquisitor. If you do, he will likely clam up.

Once he is finished, tell him that his behavior set off a series of disturbing questions for you that you would like to share with him. Ask him to address your concerns and talk openly about how to prevent such a situation from happening in the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Next week is my ex's birthday. It popped into my head, I suppose, because we always used to make a big deal of it. We have been apart for several years now, and I hate to say it, but we didn't have a good breakup. We didn't speak for years. Recently, I ran into him, and we were both pleasant. I am married, and so is he; I don't want anything from him. Would it be appropriate for me to wish him a happy birthday since I remembered? Or is it best to leave it alone? -- Celebrating, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR CELEBRATING: Since you two do not have a relationship at all now, I suggest that you wish him well silently but resist the temptation to reach out to him. You two are not friends, and there is no need to rekindle any type of relationship. Your good wishes from afar are enough.

I will add that if you have other exes with whom you have an amicable relationship, it is perfectly fine to remember each other on special days. But in this case, that is not true.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am having a hard time keeping the lines of communications open with a friend who is going through a tough time in her life. In the past 18 months, her mother and oldest sister died. In addition, her middle sister has serious health issues. I call her on a regular basis just to see how she is doing, but my phone calls always end up going to voice mail, and this has been going on for the past six months.

To my surprise, recently she called and we talked for about four hours. She told me that she appreciated my voice mail messages and she apologized for not calling back in a timely manner. I would like to talk to my friend more often because I think she is a great person and I understand she is going through a tough time in her life. Is there anything I can do to keep the lines of communications open? -- Friend in Need, Chicago

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED: Stop thinking about the past. Your friend just reached out and rekindled your friendship. Call her again and invite her to go out or just talk. Don't push her, though. Her reaching out proves that she is taking baby steps to reconnect.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend does not want to marry me, and I don't know how to respond to her saying no to my proposal. We have been living together for six years, and I really love her. She doesn't want to "ruin our happy home" by getting married. Do I break up this happy home, or do I leave to find a woman who is interested in getting married. -- Put a Ring on It, New York City

DEAR PUT A RING ON IT: Herein lies a challenge in what a prominent minister I know calls "navel gazing." When you become intimate and live together before getting married, you neutralize the need to marry, at least in many people's eyes. Back in the "day," couples felt they were violating either a spiritual or social law by living together. For the most part, that thinking is long gone.

Unfortunately, couples sometimes end up where you are. It is tough to create an ultimatum when you didn't from the start. Instead, what you can do is to give serious thought to why you want to be married. What about creating a marriage appeals to you? What kind of a life do you want to have with your girlfriend? If you can figure out how to describe the life you want to build with her and the value of the security that marriage can offer to that vision, you may be able to persuade her.

Should you leave? That depends on your goals. If your departure is singularly because she will not marry you even though she intends to stay committed to you, you have a dilemma. You already almost have all that you want. Ultimately, you must weigh your options and decide if your initial compromise is something you can live with (remaining unmarried but as a family). If you believe you will resent her or not want to have children with her while unmarried or not fully trust her, leave. It is important to partner with someone who shares your values.