DEAR HARRIETTE: I helped a friend get a lot of attention for a project she just completed. Everything turned out really well for her, but in the end I felt used. She got everything that she wanted out of my helping her, but I felt unappreciated. At the very end, she said thank you, and I think she meant it, but it seemed like an afterthought. This friend is often self-absorbed, which I already knew, but I guess since I went all out for her, I thought that she would be more thoughtful. -- Dumb Me, Boston

DEAR DUMB ME: What did you want the outcome to be for you? A general desire for appreciation may not be so easily translatable. If you tend to be the generous one, your friend may know you as being the nice one and think nothing of it. That doesn't automatically mean that she is selfish as it relates to you. More, it may mean that you do not generally let others know what your needs are. To expect others to treat you as you want to be treated when you do not clue them in as to what makes you happy is a recipe for hurt feelings. You have to educate your friends about your needs and desires.

The lesson here is for you to learn to take care of yourself by speaking up. Your selfish friend will probably be shocked to know that she hurt your feelings. No need to tell her. Next time just be clear about what outcome you want for yourself as you are supporting others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I learned that one of my friends has guns at his house. Apparently he has gun permits and he has them locked up and stored, but it kind of freaked me out that he has them. We both have young children, and now I don't know if I should allow my child to go over his house. We haven't had talks about guns and how to be around them because my son is just 8 years old. I am not sure how to handle this. My friend seems cautious, but I have heard too many stories about children accidentally shooting guns and hurting or killing themselves or others. What should I do? -- Gun Shy, Shreveport, La.

DEAR GUN SHY: Talk directly to your friend. Tell him your concerns. Ask him about his guns -- where and how he stores them, how he keeps his children safe while having guns in the house, etc. Ask him as many questions as you need in order to gauge your comfort.

Know that if someone properly stores guns, the family, including young children, can be completely safe. That said, if you remain worried about your son's safety, you can choose not to send him over to your friend's house, at least not without you. You have the right to make that decision.

By the way, whatever decision you make is perfect for your family. Yes, there is a huge discussion underway about guns and gun safety in our country. In the end, you have to make choices that you feel comfortable with for your family.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has been very mouthy of late, and it is driving me crazy. When I ask him something, he starts arguing with me immediately or being belligerent. He is 11 and usually a good kid. He is smart and a quick thinker, which makes me think that part of this behavior is him exerting his independent thinking on the situation. That's all well and good, but the attitude has to stop. What can I say to him to get him to tone it down? -- Frustrated Mom, Chicago

DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: I talk to my daughter about tone all the time. How you say something is often more important than the words you actually use. When you are not in the midst of an emotional meltdown, talk with your son -- calmly. Explain to him that you value his thoughts and ideas, but that he needs to work on how he expresses them. Ask him if he likes it when you two argue. Chances are he does not. Tell him you do not like it either. Come up with a sign, maybe a hand gesture, that you can both use when you feel that you are going into argument mode. You can use the sign to indicate that you want to call a truce.

This actually works very well on both sides. Essentially, it allows whichever one of you notices the argument swelling first to call it off rather than fall more deeply into the mire of it. For you, remind your son of tone as often as necessary. Let him know that you appreciate his thinking and want to know what is on his mind as you also expect him to follow directions and be respectfully responsive. It is a dance that will last for a long time, so let go of your frustration and invite your son to dance with you! It may feel clumsy at first, but as you practice the art of communicating without arguing, you both will benefit and eventually become graceful at it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a client who is a good salesman. He comes up with these wacky ideas and convinces people to sign on and work with him. The only problem is, he often doesn't have the resources to pull it off. On one hand, the ideas are so exciting that you want to be a part of them. But this is my third time signing on board, and I am mad at myself. He owes me money from the last event, and it looks like he is going to owe me again this time. What can I do to take care of myself and help a man with big ideas? -- Deflated, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR DEFLATED: As you already know, you cannot blame your client at this point, given that you know his track record. Since you do believe in his ideas, maybe you can help him to be better organized on the front end, either personally or by referring him to an expert who can help him. You can also require your money up front in order to work with him. If he cannot pay you, do not continue to work with him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was on vacation with my family recently, and we ended up going out to eat with a few other families over the course of the two weeks we were away. Somehow, my family ended up footing the bill more than the others. It wasn't the plan, but it happened. I just looked at my credit card bill and was astonished to see the hefty amount we had charged. I know there's nothing we can do about it now. It would be crazy to call around asking people to cough up extra dough, but I am curious -- how can I avoid this situation in the future? -- Broke, Washington, D.C.

DEAR BROKE: It is true that in the frenzy of the moment, your generosity can get the best of you. I recommend making a budget before you head out on your vacation. You can map it out per day if you like, so that you know exactly what you intend to spend. It is also wise to use cash. If you pay cash for your meals, you can avoid putting down a card for the group. You can review the bill and contribute your family's portion plus tip or divide it equally, whichever your group decides.

It is unlikely that your other friends meant to have you assume the lion's share of the meal expenses. For most people, these things just happen, and it is only later that they realize that the sharing was not equitable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When we started packing for our summer vacation, I noticed that my 10-year-old was packing 10 stuffed animals. I thought that was excessive -- we were flying and had limited room for extra items. When I told her no, she began crying and told me she really wanted to bring them. At first I put my foot down and wouldn't budge, but then I realized that my normally confident daughter seemed really attached to these things. So I let her bring them. How do you know when to remain firm and when to give in to your child's odd requests? -- Confused, Staten Island, N.Y.

DEAR CONFUSED: That is a great question that has no simple answer other than that you should always pay close attention to your child. Instead of the kneejerk "no" that comes out of many parents' mouths when a child wants to do something that they consider unreasonable, listen instead. Survey the moment. Ask yourself why, as in this case, the stuffed animals are so important. Perhaps there is some trepidation about going away, and the toys provide a comfort connection.

One way I have discovered that you can avoid the showdown is to believe that your child has a good reason for whatever quirky request she or he may have. If you approach your child with respect and ask why this thing is so important, you may receive a rational, unemotional answer. Then you can respond evenly and decide whether to allow whatever the request is without argument.