DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has been very mouthy of late, and it is driving me crazy. When I ask him something, he starts arguing with me immediately or being belligerent. He is 11 and usually a good kid. He is smart and a quick thinker, which makes me think that part of this behavior is him exerting his independent thinking on the situation. That's all well and good, but the attitude has to stop. What can I say to him to get him to tone it down? -- Frustrated Mom, Chicago

DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: I talk to my daughter about tone all the time. How you say something is often more important than the words you actually use. When you are not in the midst of an emotional meltdown, talk with your son -- calmly. Explain to him that you value his thoughts and ideas, but that he needs to work on how he expresses them. Ask him if he likes it when you two argue. Chances are he does not. Tell him you do not like it either. Come up with a sign, maybe a hand gesture, that you can both use when you feel that you are going into argument mode. You can use the sign to indicate that you want to call a truce.

This actually works very well on both sides. Essentially, it allows whichever one of you notices the argument swelling first to call it off rather than fall more deeply into the mire of it. For you, remind your son of tone as often as necessary. Let him know that you appreciate his thinking and want to know what is on his mind as you also expect him to follow directions and be respectfully responsive. It is a dance that will last for a long time, so let go of your frustration and invite your son to dance with you! It may feel clumsy at first, but as you practice the art of communicating without arguing, you both will benefit and eventually become graceful at it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a client who is a good salesman. He comes up with these wacky ideas and convinces people to sign on and work with him. The only problem is, he often doesn't have the resources to pull it off. On one hand, the ideas are so exciting that you want to be a part of them. But this is my third time signing on board, and I am mad at myself. He owes me money from the last event, and it looks like he is going to owe me again this time. What can I do to take care of myself and help a man with big ideas? -- Deflated, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR DEFLATED: As you already know, you cannot blame your client at this point, given that you know his track record. Since you do believe in his ideas, maybe you can help him to be better organized on the front end, either personally or by referring him to an expert who can help him. You can also require your money up front in order to work with him. If he cannot pay you, do not continue to work with him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was on vacation with my family recently, and we ended up going out to eat with a few other families over the course of the two weeks we were away. Somehow, my family ended up footing the bill more than the others. It wasn't the plan, but it happened. I just looked at my credit card bill and was astonished to see the hefty amount we had charged. I know there's nothing we can do about it now. It would be crazy to call around asking people to cough up extra dough, but I am curious -- how can I avoid this situation in the future? -- Broke, Washington, D.C.

DEAR BROKE: It is true that in the frenzy of the moment, your generosity can get the best of you. I recommend making a budget before you head out on your vacation. You can map it out per day if you like, so that you know exactly what you intend to spend. It is also wise to use cash. If you pay cash for your meals, you can avoid putting down a card for the group. You can review the bill and contribute your family's portion plus tip or divide it equally, whichever your group decides.

It is unlikely that your other friends meant to have you assume the lion's share of the meal expenses. For most people, these things just happen, and it is only later that they realize that the sharing was not equitable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When we started packing for our summer vacation, I noticed that my 10-year-old was packing 10 stuffed animals. I thought that was excessive -- we were flying and had limited room for extra items. When I told her no, she began crying and told me she really wanted to bring them. At first I put my foot down and wouldn't budge, but then I realized that my normally confident daughter seemed really attached to these things. So I let her bring them. How do you know when to remain firm and when to give in to your child's odd requests? -- Confused, Staten Island, N.Y.

DEAR CONFUSED: That is a great question that has no simple answer other than that you should always pay close attention to your child. Instead of the kneejerk "no" that comes out of many parents' mouths when a child wants to do something that they consider unreasonable, listen instead. Survey the moment. Ask yourself why, as in this case, the stuffed animals are so important. Perhaps there is some trepidation about going away, and the toys provide a comfort connection.

One way I have discovered that you can avoid the showdown is to believe that your child has a good reason for whatever quirky request she or he may have. If you approach your child with respect and ask why this thing is so important, you may receive a rational, unemotional answer. Then you can respond evenly and decide whether to allow whatever the request is without argument.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in college, and I recently came out as gay. In high school I dated a few girls, some more seriously than others. I'm not on good terms with those girls as it is, but I was wondering if I'm obligated to tell them I'm gay. I don't want to cause any drama if they find out through other people, but I'm not sure if it is any of their business. What do you think? -- Out, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR OUT: You have no obligation to go back to previous girlfriends to tell them that you are gay.

Beyond obligation is being thoughtful. You say you are not on good terms with any of these girls, which means you weren't likely planning to stay in touch with them. If you think any of your serious relationships soured because you were gay and didn't realize it or you were hiding it, it would be kind to go back to those girls to express your regret that the relationship did not work for this reason. If you knew you were gay and grappling with it, say as much. If you did not realize it until now, say that. Essentially, tell the truth to whomever you believe deserves to hear it. In this way, you are in control of how the information is revealed to people who have impacted your life rather than having it spread via other voices. It is your choice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A couple of years ago, I dated a guy whose mother didn't like me very much. I found out that even after we broke up she was saying rude things about me behind my back to my ex's sister, who in turn told one of my friends -- that's how it got back to me. I saw her at an event recently and didn't know what to do. In a situation like that, is it best to say hello and take the high road or just leave her alone? -- Snubbed, Atlanta

DEAR SNUBBED: It is curious that this mother continues to talk badly about you. Who knows what her agenda is? You have no reason to get entangled in it unless you feel that she is damaging your reputation. Speaking curtly and moving on would be fine. No need to be warm, knowing that she is being rude.

If you believe that she is actively attempting to malign your name, you may consider reaching out to her and proactively letting her know that you do not appreciate her comments. You could tell her that her comments have gotten back to you, and if she is actually saying these things -- which you should be prepared to enumerate -- you should ask her to stop. Remind her that you are no longer in a relationship with her son. You would appreciate her closing the door on comments about you.