life

Private Photos Bother Recipient

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 16th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been talking to this guy every day for a while. I really like him. He seems nice, and it's cool that he likes to talk to me on the phone a lot -- a lot of guys only like to text with their dates. We've gone out multiple times, and that has been fun, too. He has always paid for our dates.

This week he sent me a picture of his private area. I didn't ask him for it. I think that he wants a picture from me. How do I tell him that I'm not comfortable with that and not to send pictures to me? -- Grossed Out, Westchester, N.Y.

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Be direct when you talk to him. Do not use a text message to speak to him. Wait until you are face-to-face. Tell him that you found the picture offensive. Yes, you like him, but you are not in a sexual relationship, plus you would not want him to text you sexual pictures even if you were. Point out that you know a lot of people do this sexting thing with pictures and racy texts, but it is not your thing.

Ask him if he is willing to curb that behavior. You need to know where he stands on this so that you can decide if you want to keep talking to him. Unfortunately, because sexting is so rampant, it may not seem like a big deal to him, even though it is to you. Figure out if you have shared values and proceed accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: How do I get my child to practice good hygiene? My 11-year-old son is going to middle school in the fall. He has a tendency to not take regular showers. I told him multiple times that if he doesn't bathe in a reasonable amount of time, he would either be punished or there will be consequences. I'm afraid that he will keep up these bad habits when he gets older. -- Dealing With Dirt, Silver Spring, Md.

DEAR DEALING WITH DIRT: Talk to your son about the importance of regularly bathing his body and how it leads to good health. Also, talk to him about his changing body. He is soon to enter puberty, which means he will be developing body hair and will likely develop body odor if he does not regularly clean himself. Educate him on the young man he is becoming. Empower him with information about himself. This may inspire him to bathe a bit more frequently.

You can absolutely also put your foot down about how often he must bathe. If he refuses, take away privileges that he values, such as video games, TV, play dates, etc. Figure out what would motivate him to clean up because he would hate to lose some aspect of his daily life.

life

New Employees Shouldn't Get a Pass for Making a Pass

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 15th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have worked at a prestigious law firm in midtown Manhattan for four years. I am one of the senior paralegals, and I work specifically for one of the partners of the firm. However, every graduation season (May-June), another part of my job is to introduce the new associates to firm and help them adjust and lend any helping hand I can. Every year, I get that one graduate who thinks he is a complete hotshot and who swears he will become the "best closer the firm has ever seen." This usually leads to him hitting on me in the first 10 minutes. I guess it is flattering, but I really can't take it anymore. My boss thinks it is funny, and we usually joke about the horrific pickup lines, but now I am just annoyed with it. What should I do? -- Dissed, New York City

DEAR DISSED: A mistake you and your boss made was to make light of the inappropriate comments when they first started. It is not acceptable for co-workers to try to make a pass at other co-workers, especially when there has been no overture to suggest that this is OK.

You need to learn how to put these young hopefuls in their place. The next time you hear one of the pickup lines, you can quip, "Bandying about that kind of talk instead of paying attention to the job at hand can get you ousted before you know it." You could say, "Want to try that line out on Human Resources? How far do you think you would get?" Or even, "I hope you are better at your job than you are at pickup lines."

I know this may seem hard to do, but using biting humor to put them in their place is a way of throwing cold water in their face. They likely do not know that they are being inappropriate. They probably think they are cocky and cute and even sexy. You can hold your own by standing up for yourself. Ask your boss to give them an introductory chat on how to speak to other staffers respectfully.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend, who I have been dating for three years, lied to me about what he does for a living. He told me that he worked at a brokerage firm similar to Charles Schwab, but I found out this is not the case. He works instead at three different jobs just to make what he said he did from the brokerage firm. While I wouldn't have felt differently about him if he had just told me, I feel lied to and I haven't spoken to him in a week. -- Duped, Chicago

DEAR DUPED: Your boyfriend clearly wanted to impress you. Rather than never talk to him, tell him that you would have been impressed by what he is actually doing. Lying is a deal breaker. Sit down with him and ask him to tell you if he has lied about anything else. Also, talk about the future and discuss if you care enough about each other to start over. Your decision should be based on whether you believe you can trust him moving forward.

life

Teen's First Date Does Not Need Chaperone

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 14th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 16-year-old son likes a young lady who lives in our neighborhood. He told to me that he would like to take her to the movies for their first date. I am a little nervous to say yes because this is first time my son has expressed to me this type of feeling toward a young lady. I think I would like to chaperone my son on his date. I don't want to embarrass my son, but I want him to have a great time. What is a mother to do? -- Mother May I, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR MOTHER MAY I: Going to the movies can be a nice first date. What's even nicer is that your son is asking your permission to set it up. At age 16, it is normal for him to want to court a young lady. I suggest that you remind him of boundaries and appropriate behavior and let him go, with your blessing. If he has his own money, that's great. If he needs financial support, give him what it costs for the two tickets plus a little extra for snacks. You want him to feel empowered during the date to be a gentleman.

Give him a curfew. When he comes home, give him a little space. You can ask him how his date went, but let him reveal details. He could easily be a little uncomfortable about talking about this first time that he has invited a girl to go out. Over time, ease information out of him. If he seems to like this young lady, suggest that he invite her over sometime for a meal so that you can meet her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I placed an order with a local restaurant, and at the end of the order I told them that I would come to the restaurant to pick it up. When the food was ready, I went to the restaurant to pay. The cashier asked if I would like to leave a tip. I did not leave a tip because I went to the restaurant pick up my food. Do you think I should have left a tip? What is the proper etiquette when it comes to tipping for picking up an order? -- Hungry Man, Chicago

DEAR HUNGRY MAN: As you might imagine, there are varying opinions on this topic. People who have worked in food service suggest that you should leave something, up to 10 percent of the bill, because people who work at the restaurant prepared the food, packaged it and got it ready for you to pick up.

I would say that if you placed a very large or complicated order or if the restaurant did something else above and beyond the basics, it would be thoughtful to add a small tip. Outside of that, though, I do not subscribe to the automatic tip for takeout.

When it comes to eating in, 20 percent or more is the norm to follow unless you receive horrible service.

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