life

Weiner's Sexts Provide Opportunity for Conversation

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 8th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: This whole sexting thing with Anthony Weiner makes me sick and concerned. There was recently a sexting issue at my son's high school where several students were reprimanded for sending lewd photos to each other and sharing them with others. The teenagers didn't think it was a big deal at all -- even after they got caught. One of them even mentioned Weiner's situation, saying that if he can still run for mayor after all of the stuff he did, what's the big deal for them? They are just teenagers after all. How can I ensure that my son doesn't take on this warped view? -- Mortified, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR MORTIFIED: You are not alone in your concerns. This is a time when it is essential for you to remind your son of your values and expectations. People in the public eye and others do many things that your family may consider inappropriate. Point this out to your son. In this case, be sure to highlight that whatever you send via the Internet becomes part of the public domain and that you cannot guarantee that it remains private. Nothing should be shared that you deem salacious or embarrassing. As it relates to sexually explicit content, directly talk to your son about honoring his body, being respectful to any potential sexual partner and using discretion when it comes to taking actions for the thrill factor. Honestly, now is the time to revisit what, hopefully, you have done already, namely have the big talk about sex.

You can also watch with your son as Anthony Weiner's career and marriage begin to crumble. While we do not know yet what will happen to him, as the scandal surrounding him escalates, his reputation has clearly been tarnished. Point out that your reputation is very important and that you should do everything in your power to keep it intact by behaving responsibly and with integrity.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Every time my husband and I are broke, which seems like too frequently in recent years, he wants us to try what seems to me to be a get-rich-quick scheme that costs money. I have given in a few times because I didn't have a better solution. In the end, though, these schemes usually just end up wasting money. How can I convince him that they are bad ideas? -- Broke and Broken, Denver

DEAR BROKE AND BROKEN: Rather than telling your husband that his idea is bad, come up with a good idea to replace it. Start by finding a free or affordable financial adviser who can help you look at your current state of affairs and make recommendations for how to deal with your debt. Look at your expenses and income together to assess exactly how much you need to add in order to become financially healthy. Then talk about a range of creative ways to make that happen. Ask your husband to brainstorm with you.

life

Reader Feels Bad for Overreliance on Friends

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 7th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I have used up all of my political capital. I have been in a funk for a few months, and my friends have really been sticking by me. I am so grateful, but I can tell that they are getting tired of me. When I call two of my friends, they don't always answer the phone. That never used to happen. When we do talk, they jump off quickly if I go into one of my stories. I don't mean to be a drag on them, but I need them so much and they are always there for me. I don't want to lose my friends, but I don't know how to deal with my stuff without their help. -- Pushing Them Away, Philadelphia

DEAR PUSHING THEM AWAY: Give yourself credit for noticing your effect on your friends. Awareness is the first step in making a difference in your life. You need to realize that your friends are not a professional support system. Even though they love you, unless they are professional therapists, they do not have the skill to walk you through challenges and effectively help you to make different decisions in order to climb out of your bad space.

Stop trying to make them be what they are not. Instead, get a professional therapist to help you. Talk through your issues in that space. Let your friends know that you have gotten a psychologist, and thank them for attempting to help you for all this time. Tell them you miss hanging out and will do your best to be able to be a friend without dumping your stuff on them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A young woman at my job has been wearing skirts and dresses recently that are see-through. I really don't think she knows it. In the regular office light you can't tell, but in the sunlight or any strong light you can see right through them to her underwear. I know I am kind of old-fashioned -- I still wear slips when they are called for. I know that young people hardly even know what slips are. I want to tell this young lady how sheer some of these garments are so that she can at least decide if a slip is worth considering. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who wants people looking at her privates, but the men at work definitely do when she is not looking. -- Peek-a-Boo, Washington, D.C.

DEAR PEEK-A-BOO: As you already know, this young lady may or may not welcome your comments. Share them anyway -- privately. Pull her aside and explain that you have something sensitive you want to share with her. Tell her that sometimes you can see her underwear through her skirts and dresses. Acknowledge that you weren't sure if she was aware of it and recommend that she consider a slip when she is wearing sheer garments. Leave it at that unless she asks you for specifics about which clothes you mean. If she asks, tell her. Good looking out!

life

Reader Wants to Deal With Anxiety Without Meds

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 6th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I broke out in a terrible rash recently, and when I went to the doctor he said that it was probably triggered by nerves. He used technical language, but he said it probably started because I have been under a tremendous amount of emotional stress, and often that can wreak havoc on the body. He gave me a prescription to ease the discomfort, but he told me that in order to really keep it in check I have to reduce my stress levels. Otherwise, he said he would have to put me on meds to calm me down.

I definitely don't want to do that. It is true that this has been a rough period: One of my best friends recently passed away, it has been crazy at work and I suspect that my boyfriend is cheating on me. I could go on and on, but when I think about it my skin starts to itch. How can I change my thinking? I want to be able to handle my problems without drugs. -- Overwhelmed, Los Angeles

DEAR OVERWHELMED: It would be great for you to take a relaxation class like yoga, meditation or Pilates, something that engages your body and eases your mind.

One by one, review each issue in your life and face it. Be in touch with others who are mourning the loss of your friend. Don't grieve alone. Assess your work issues individually, and figure out what you can do to make things better. Sometimes small actions yield big results. If your boyfriend is not treating you right, let him go. Get professional help to support you through this rough period.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that a couple I really like a lot is getting divorced, and it sounds like the terms are ugly. A custody battle is underway, and all kinds of allegations are being hurled this way and that about each of them. I feel so bad for the wife, a longtime friend, because she feels powerless in this and is very concerned that she could lose her children. She is devastated. I am no lawyer, but I'm wondering what I can do to support her. -- Battle-Worn, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR BATTLE-WORN: Be a great listener. When your friend brings up points that sound like they need to be discussed with her attorney, remind her to speak to him/her right away. It is likely that there is a court-appointed psychologist who is speaking to both of them about their states of mind. She may want to have a separate therapist who can help her to process her thinking and help her to access an inner source of strength. If your friend is a woman of faith, now is the time to be prayerful. It would be great for her to remember the good times with her children and recount positive experiences she has had with them that illustrate her parenting skills. Gently talk to your friend about being strong. As tough as it may be at a time like this, her best chances at winning custody of her children may come from her presenting herself as a sober, solid, clear-thinking, loving mother.

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