DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend just told me that she and her husband are getting divorced. By the sound of it, the divorce is very messy. Her husband has a lot of money and seems to be wielding his influence in big ways. She says that he has turned most of her friends against her, and she is so sad and fragile. As I listen to her, I can tell that she doesn't know what to do. Neither do I. I want to help her, but I have no idea what happened in their marriage. I am not a lawyer; I am just a friend. What can I do to help her? -- Helpless Friend, Washington, D.C.

DEAR HELPLESS FRIEND: The way to be a good friend is to be a good listener. Make yourself available to talk to her when she is in need. Do not try to give her advice; just hear her. Do not get lured into believing that you are any kind of expert. When she asks you questions you do not know how to answer, acknowledge that you do not know. Remind her that you are there for her as a friend. Suggest that she get an attorney and a therapist -- professionals who can support her in different ways.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My godparents are getting up in age, and I feel bad because I haven't kept in touch with them enough. I got busy with my life, I guess, and time just passed. I learned recently that they both are in not-so-good health. I want to reach out to them, but I am embarrassed because I haven't talked to them much over the years. Do you think it's a good idea to call them anyway? My mom thinks so. I feel weird about it. -- Hesitant, Silver Spring, Md.

DEAR HESITANT: Hesitate no longer. The blessing is that your godparents are still alive. The notion of a godparent is that the person commits to providing you with spiritual support in your life, especially if your parents are ever unable to be there for you. As with parents, that role often flips as godparents grow older. Now it is your turn to be there for these people who committed to you when you were born.

Absolutely do reach out to them right away. No need to feel guilty for the past. Be in the present. Tell them you love them. Inquire about them. Let them reveal whatever they choose about themselves. You do not need to pry about their health or anything else. Just be there.

If you can visit them in person, by all means do that. And make the decision to stay in touch with them regularly now. You cannot change the past, but you can become actively involved in their lives now, for as long as they live.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend from work invited my family and me to come to a picnic at her house last weekend. She has a beautiful house, and it was a lovely party. The problem was that her house is so pristine. I have two young boys, and every time they were in the house my friend was watching them like a hawk to make sure they didn't touch or break anything. I understand that, but it was awkward and uncomfortable. After a while, I just kept them outside. When the party moved indoors, I packed up and left. I did not want to have to monitor their behavior so intensely. It seemed like it was better all around to just go home. The next day at work, my friend told me that she was disappointed that we had left early. I apologized and left it at that. Do you think I should have told her that I left so that she and my kids would be more comfortable? I didn't want to make waves, so I didn't go into detail. -- Tightrope, Cincinnati

DEAR TIGHTROPE: What you did was likely the wisest choice you could make. If the host did not offer a game room or other safe zone where the children could play comfortably, it was smart for you to leave when the house was the only option. Nobody wants to listen to a mother constantly scolding or corralling her children, nor would the host appreciate anything being damaged in her home.

There is also nothing wrong with telling the host the truth. You could have said that you had a wonderful time except for when the children were in the house. You did not feel comfortable having your young boys in a home that was not childproof -- for their benefit and hers. If it comes up again, it would be fine to let her know.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the one in my family who always needs help. As hard as I work, I have had plenty of times when I've needed a loan or some kind of support from them. I am not proud of it at all. I hate being that one that people probably talk about after I leave, calling me pathetic or a waste or something like that. I want to make it up to them, but I am not even working now. I can't pay back anything. I feel like such a failure. I have begun to avoid going to family events, but I think that makes the backlash worse. What can I do to let my family know that I do not mean to be a leech and that I want to make it up to them? I want them to believe me. -- Doubted, Detroit

DEAR DOUBTED: Stop avoiding your family. As uncomfortable as it may be to face them, do it. Go to them and thank them for all of their support over the years. Admit how bad it feels to be in need so frequently. Promise that you will pay them back when you get on your feet. Then, whenever you get a few extra dollars send them their way. A small effort will go a long way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been going through tough times for a few years. We have been in counseling, and it seems like things are getting better. The particular issues that each of us identified as breaking points have been addressed pretty well. All in all, our life together looks much better than it did. Still, I am finding it difficult to let go of the old feelings. When stuff comes up, I get mad way too fast. And that sets off an argument. Same for him. We are still pretty testy. How can we move past the old stuff and savor the good that seems to be growing in our life? -- Crossroads, Detroit

DEAR CROSSROADS: Talk to your husband. Acknowledge what is going on. Thank him for working hard on the issues that you two thought were important to address in your marriage. Point out that you feel good about the effort that you have put in as well.

Next, bring up your current concern. Tell your husband that you want your marriage to be strong again and that you worry because you have noticed that the two of you revert back to old behaviors very quickly and that it feels like the hard work you have done is eroding. Ask your husband if you two can agree to stop that kneejerk behavior whenever you notice it. Further, suggest that you come up with a signal that either of you can use that indicates that it seems like you are going down that road.

Talk to your counselor about navigating this next step in your relationship's development. Request tools to help you establish healthy ways to move past old behaviors.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My siblings and I get along fairly well when we talk on the phone, but whenever we get together, things go south fast. I am not looking forward to our upcoming family reunion because inevitably something bad is going to happen. Last year my older sister started picking on me about the way I was dressed, exactly the way she used to do when we were kids. My brother got into a fistfight with my cousin because they were arguing over something stupid. I have no patience for any of that stuff. What can I do to avoid these conflicts without skipping the reunion altogether? -- Family Ties, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR FAMILY TIES: It can be hard to resist falling into old family patterns when you get together. It is possible to remain in the moment and to remember that you are an adult who is completely capable of making decisions independent of how others treat you.

You can go a step further and call a family meeting either before the reunion or as soon as everyone arrives and ask all who are gathered to make the choice to be respectful to each other and to pledge to have a good time.

If a family member goes down memory lane and starts bullying or otherwise egging someone on, step in and attempt to squash it. Remind folks that you are there to have a great time. To the extent that you can remember that you are an adult -- not a child back in your childhood home -- you will feel more empowered to stand up for yourself and stay calm and mature. It usually takes two to ignite a bad scene. Don't light the match.