DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend from work invited my family and me to come to a picnic at her house last weekend. She has a beautiful house, and it was a lovely party. The problem was that her house is so pristine. I have two young boys, and every time they were in the house my friend was watching them like a hawk to make sure they didn't touch or break anything. I understand that, but it was awkward and uncomfortable. After a while, I just kept them outside. When the party moved indoors, I packed up and left. I did not want to have to monitor their behavior so intensely. It seemed like it was better all around to just go home. The next day at work, my friend told me that she was disappointed that we had left early. I apologized and left it at that. Do you think I should have told her that I left so that she and my kids would be more comfortable? I didn't want to make waves, so I didn't go into detail. -- Tightrope, Cincinnati

DEAR TIGHTROPE: What you did was likely the wisest choice you could make. If the host did not offer a game room or other safe zone where the children could play comfortably, it was smart for you to leave when the house was the only option. Nobody wants to listen to a mother constantly scolding or corralling her children, nor would the host appreciate anything being damaged in her home.

There is also nothing wrong with telling the host the truth. You could have said that you had a wonderful time except for when the children were in the house. You did not feel comfortable having your young boys in a home that was not childproof -- for their benefit and hers. If it comes up again, it would be fine to let her know.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the one in my family who always needs help. As hard as I work, I have had plenty of times when I've needed a loan or some kind of support from them. I am not proud of it at all. I hate being that one that people probably talk about after I leave, calling me pathetic or a waste or something like that. I want to make it up to them, but I am not even working now. I can't pay back anything. I feel like such a failure. I have begun to avoid going to family events, but I think that makes the backlash worse. What can I do to let my family know that I do not mean to be a leech and that I want to make it up to them? I want them to believe me. -- Doubted, Detroit

DEAR DOUBTED: Stop avoiding your family. As uncomfortable as it may be to face them, do it. Go to them and thank them for all of their support over the years. Admit how bad it feels to be in need so frequently. Promise that you will pay them back when you get on your feet. Then, whenever you get a few extra dollars send them their way. A small effort will go a long way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been going through tough times for a few years. We have been in counseling, and it seems like things are getting better. The particular issues that each of us identified as breaking points have been addressed pretty well. All in all, our life together looks much better than it did. Still, I am finding it difficult to let go of the old feelings. When stuff comes up, I get mad way too fast. And that sets off an argument. Same for him. We are still pretty testy. How can we move past the old stuff and savor the good that seems to be growing in our life? -- Crossroads, Detroit

DEAR CROSSROADS: Talk to your husband. Acknowledge what is going on. Thank him for working hard on the issues that you two thought were important to address in your marriage. Point out that you feel good about the effort that you have put in as well.

Next, bring up your current concern. Tell your husband that you want your marriage to be strong again and that you worry because you have noticed that the two of you revert back to old behaviors very quickly and that it feels like the hard work you have done is eroding. Ask your husband if you two can agree to stop that kneejerk behavior whenever you notice it. Further, suggest that you come up with a signal that either of you can use that indicates that it seems like you are going down that road.

Talk to your counselor about navigating this next step in your relationship's development. Request tools to help you establish healthy ways to move past old behaviors.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My siblings and I get along fairly well when we talk on the phone, but whenever we get together, things go south fast. I am not looking forward to our upcoming family reunion because inevitably something bad is going to happen. Last year my older sister started picking on me about the way I was dressed, exactly the way she used to do when we were kids. My brother got into a fistfight with my cousin because they were arguing over something stupid. I have no patience for any of that stuff. What can I do to avoid these conflicts without skipping the reunion altogether? -- Family Ties, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR FAMILY TIES: It can be hard to resist falling into old family patterns when you get together. It is possible to remain in the moment and to remember that you are an adult who is completely capable of making decisions independent of how others treat you.

You can go a step further and call a family meeting either before the reunion or as soon as everyone arrives and ask all who are gathered to make the choice to be respectful to each other and to pledge to have a good time.

If a family member goes down memory lane and starts bullying or otherwise egging someone on, step in and attempt to squash it. Remind folks that you are there to have a great time. To the extent that you can remember that you are an adult -- not a child back in your childhood home -- you will feel more empowered to stand up for yourself and stay calm and mature. It usually takes two to ignite a bad scene. Don't light the match.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband passed away three years ago. We were together for more than 20 years. He was my soul mate. Seriously. Many of my friends who are married used to complain about their husbands all the time, but I actually enjoyed my husband and the time we spent together. Now that he is gone, I feel so alone. I have been invited to go on dates with various men. I have gone out with a couple of people, but nobody measures up. At the same time, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am still young. What can I do? -- Lonely Heart, Chicago

DEAR LONELY HEART: Do your best to recalibrate your standards for a partner. That does not mean that you should lower your values. Be clear about the type of person you would enjoy spending time getting to know. Also be clear that you are not looking for a replacement for your husband. It is not likely that anyone would measure up to the partner he was for you, nor should anyone try. Instead, it is more realistic to look for a companion who shares some of your interests, who wants to spend time with you and who wants to savor the goodness of life with you.

Many widows express thoughts similar to those you have described. For those who recognize that they can keep their deceased husbands in a sacred place in their heart and still enjoy the company of someone who appreciates them for who they are, some amount of contentment can be cultivated. Give it a try.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Both of my children have left home. One is in college. One is already working and on her own. My husband and I got divorced a few years ago, so I am alone at home. I feel helpless. I have gained more than 50 pounds. I hardly feel like going to work. Honestly, I feel like nobody needs me, so I am worthless. I know that is the wrong way to think, but when I wake up in the morning, I wonder how long I will live. I am afraid to tell my children. I don't want to burden them with my worries. I don't really want to tell anybody. I know I sound pathetic. I need to do something. -- Drowning in Sadness, Westchester, N.Y.

DEAR DROWNING IN SADNESS: The reality of the empty nest can be jarring for many people. When the children grow up and leave, an ache can fill your being. That is only exacerbated by the departure of a spouse. No wonder you are sad.

The good news is that you see what's going on in your life. Yes, you do need to do something about it. Please go to your doctor, get a physical and ask for a recommendation for a therapist. You need help climbing out of what sounds like depression. A therapist can help you recognize your own value so you can choose to live -- for you. You are worth more than the sadness that is shrouding you now. Claim you. Now.