DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been going through tough times for a few years. We have been in counseling, and it seems like things are getting better. The particular issues that each of us identified as breaking points have been addressed pretty well. All in all, our life together looks much better than it did. Still, I am finding it difficult to let go of the old feelings. When stuff comes up, I get mad way too fast. And that sets off an argument. Same for him. We are still pretty testy. How can we move past the old stuff and savor the good that seems to be growing in our life? -- Crossroads, Detroit

DEAR CROSSROADS: Talk to your husband. Acknowledge what is going on. Thank him for working hard on the issues that you two thought were important to address in your marriage. Point out that you feel good about the effort that you have put in as well.

Next, bring up your current concern. Tell your husband that you want your marriage to be strong again and that you worry because you have noticed that the two of you revert back to old behaviors very quickly and that it feels like the hard work you have done is eroding. Ask your husband if you two can agree to stop that kneejerk behavior whenever you notice it. Further, suggest that you come up with a signal that either of you can use that indicates that it seems like you are going down that road.

Talk to your counselor about navigating this next step in your relationship's development. Request tools to help you establish healthy ways to move past old behaviors.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My siblings and I get along fairly well when we talk on the phone, but whenever we get together, things go south fast. I am not looking forward to our upcoming family reunion because inevitably something bad is going to happen. Last year my older sister started picking on me about the way I was dressed, exactly the way she used to do when we were kids. My brother got into a fistfight with my cousin because they were arguing over something stupid. I have no patience for any of that stuff. What can I do to avoid these conflicts without skipping the reunion altogether? -- Family Ties, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR FAMILY TIES: It can be hard to resist falling into old family patterns when you get together. It is possible to remain in the moment and to remember that you are an adult who is completely capable of making decisions independent of how others treat you.

You can go a step further and call a family meeting either before the reunion or as soon as everyone arrives and ask all who are gathered to make the choice to be respectful to each other and to pledge to have a good time.

If a family member goes down memory lane and starts bullying or otherwise egging someone on, step in and attempt to squash it. Remind folks that you are there to have a great time. To the extent that you can remember that you are an adult -- not a child back in your childhood home -- you will feel more empowered to stand up for yourself and stay calm and mature. It usually takes two to ignite a bad scene. Don't light the match.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband passed away three years ago. We were together for more than 20 years. He was my soul mate. Seriously. Many of my friends who are married used to complain about their husbands all the time, but I actually enjoyed my husband and the time we spent together. Now that he is gone, I feel so alone. I have been invited to go on dates with various men. I have gone out with a couple of people, but nobody measures up. At the same time, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am still young. What can I do? -- Lonely Heart, Chicago

DEAR LONELY HEART: Do your best to recalibrate your standards for a partner. That does not mean that you should lower your values. Be clear about the type of person you would enjoy spending time getting to know. Also be clear that you are not looking for a replacement for your husband. It is not likely that anyone would measure up to the partner he was for you, nor should anyone try. Instead, it is more realistic to look for a companion who shares some of your interests, who wants to spend time with you and who wants to savor the goodness of life with you.

Many widows express thoughts similar to those you have described. For those who recognize that they can keep their deceased husbands in a sacred place in their heart and still enjoy the company of someone who appreciates them for who they are, some amount of contentment can be cultivated. Give it a try.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Both of my children have left home. One is in college. One is already working and on her own. My husband and I got divorced a few years ago, so I am alone at home. I feel helpless. I have gained more than 50 pounds. I hardly feel like going to work. Honestly, I feel like nobody needs me, so I am worthless. I know that is the wrong way to think, but when I wake up in the morning, I wonder how long I will live. I am afraid to tell my children. I don't want to burden them with my worries. I don't really want to tell anybody. I know I sound pathetic. I need to do something. -- Drowning in Sadness, Westchester, N.Y.

DEAR DROWNING IN SADNESS: The reality of the empty nest can be jarring for many people. When the children grow up and leave, an ache can fill your being. That is only exacerbated by the departure of a spouse. No wonder you are sad.

The good news is that you see what's going on in your life. Yes, you do need to do something about it. Please go to your doctor, get a physical and ask for a recommendation for a therapist. You need help climbing out of what sounds like depression. A therapist can help you recognize your own value so you can choose to live -- for you. You are worth more than the sadness that is shrouding you now. Claim you. Now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into my ex-crush at an event last week, and I got so flustered. I had such a big crush on this man for years. We tried dating some time ago. Well, I should say that I tried to get him to date me, but it never quite happened. In the end, we stopped hanging out so things could cool off. Seeing him the other day brought all of that emotion back in a flood. I was kind and cordial. I definitely didn't do anything weird, but I realize that I still care a lot about him. How do I handle those emotions? I don't want to go back into that crazy state of trying to get him to like me again. I do not think that will work. -- All Mixed Up, Denver

DEAR ALL MIXED UP: As challenging as it may be for you, please take a deep breath and step back. Whenever you find yourself in a situation where you feel overcome by emotion, the smartest thing you can do is to be still. Do not act on that emotion. Allow it to pass rather than overtake you.

In order for you to stand a chance of having a healthy friendship with this man, you have to choose to let go of the emotional grip your bond has over you right now. Otherwise, every time you run into this man, the same thing will happen. As you assess your feelings, consider why you get so caught up. Did he do something in particular that is inexplicably attractive to you? Can you identify what triggers your emotional swell? Chances are some of the intensity is in your head, about what you wish for rather than what you have.

Choose to move forward and see what is before your eyes, not what you want to be there. This may help you to lower the intensity and enjoy the real moment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is a constant complainer. It seems like everybody does her wrong. I listen to her because I know that she is lonely sometimes, but I see why people get tired of being around her. Who wants to listen to complaints all the time? I don't want to be the friend who leaves her in the lurch. I just don't know if I can stick around if she never has a positive thing to say about anybody. Should I tell her? -- Emotionally Exhausted, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED: Your friend may not realize that she is a complainer. It is common for people to be the way they are without being conscious of how they are perceived. Do tell your friend that love her but are weary because of her outlook on life. Point out how often she sees the negative in things.

Ask her if she thinks she is depressed or unhappy. Perhaps her outlook is born out of a profound sadness that can be helped by professional support. You may want to suggest this to her. You can tell her frankly that, for your well-being, you cannot continue to talk to her as frequently if the tenor of your conversation remains solely a complaint.