life

Interested Man Scared by Woman's Social Status

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 16th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I really like this girl at my internship; however, I don't think I can fulfill her expectations. Her parents are extremely rich, she went to private school all her life and status-wise she is better than I am. I, on the other hand, went to public school. My parents are divorced and working-class. Should I even try to ask her out? Frankly, I think she is out of my league. -- Skittish, Syracuse

DEAR SKITTISH: Socioeconomic status can be a deterrent in a relationship, but it is not a given. What is important is for you to realize your value. You stated, "Status-wise she is better than I am." That is a dangerous thought. She may have more wealth than you, but I caution you to not compare yourself with her and believe that she is better than you. People have all kinds of experiences. Having wealth does not automatically make someone "better" than another.

If you like this young lady, what is the harm in letting her know? Invite her to do something that you can afford to do. Relax and just be with her. Get to know each other. Be honest about who you are. If she is interested in you despite your differences, continue to get to know her better.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who left her college recently because she could not afford it. She is now working retail. Whenever I call her or send her a Facebook message, she never replies to me. I never thought about this until a mutual friend of ours suggested it: she might be embarrassed that she is not in school while all of her friends are. What should I do to at least get in contact with her? Every time I try to surprise her at work, she is not there. -- Worried Friend, Detroit

DEAR WORRIED FRIEND: It is possible that your friend is embarrassed about having to leave college. It is also possible that she is ducking you and your mutual friends because she does not know how to handle this transition.

Unfortunately, stalking your friend is not likely to bring you favorable results. You can and should continue to reach out to your friend. Let her know that you miss her and want to get together with her when she is available. I do not recommend attempting to visit her at work, though. Though well-meaning, your overtures at her workplace could backfire for her. Her boss may not appreciate friends coming by to see her whether she is there or not.

Your friend may need time to lick her wounds and get into the groove of her new reality. Time may help her to open her eyes and see that she still loves and misses her friends. Stick with it.

life

This Duo May Not Be Friends to the End

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 15th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a problem that I cannot quite get rid of. I have a best friend who gets on my nerves constantly. While I am sure the normal solution is to not be friends with her anymore, it is hard not to be. If I need help or if my back is against the wall, she is there for me -- and vice versa. Yet I often find myself not wanting to hang out or be bothered by her. What should I do to address this, and is it worth being friends at all? -- Frustrated Friend, Philadelphia

DEAR FRUSTRATED FRIEND: You need to find a way to accept your friend for who she is -- both the things you like about her and the things that you do not. As you well know, it is common for people to have certain behaviors that can get on your nerves, even as you also really appreciate them. This sounds like the case with your "best friend."

Do yourself and your friend a favor and step back to think about what actually gets on your nerves. Is it something serious or just a personality quirk? Could it be that you spend too much time with her and sometimes she irks you? What is it exactly?

If you find that you really do not like her, be willing to sever your friendship. It would be unkind of you to keep her around just to help you out of a pickle if otherwise she is an irritant. But if it is more likely that you could benefit from spending less time together while remaining friends, attempt that route.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In regards to "Standing My Ground," about a student's macroeconomics teacher: I agree with your response that the student should speak up about his grievances, with one caveat -- the student should do what you suggested after he has received his grade.

In my experience both as a student and as a professor, some professors will treat a student differently for the rest of the course, and it would be difficult to prove that the lower grade received -- and it generally will be a lower grade -- was because of the response from the student.

Unfortunately, more and more professors teach only their own perspective rather than a balanced approach. And also unfortunately, department heads and deans agree with that approach. -- Practical, Chicago

DEAR PRACTICAL: I hate that you could be right, that it can be risky to speak up when a student feels wronged by a teacher. I get it, though. I would never want a student to jeopardize his or her grade. At the same time, I am a big advocate for speaking up.

I want to believe that there is a strategic way in which a student can engage a teacher, discuss a grade in question and request that the teacher reconsider a particular grade without repercussion. If the teacher is approached in a neutral, non-aggressive way, perhaps the risk of retaliation would diminish.

life

Family Trip Causes Hurt Feelings

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 13th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family is going on a vacation later this summer. At first they invited me, but after I learned how much it cost, I told them that I could not go. I let them know immediately so that they wouldn't count me in the group for flights or hotels or anything. I told them in plenty of time, but it has caused some tension. While I did not ask for them to pay for me to travel with them, some of my family members took it upon themselves to try to pool their money so that I could go. When I learned that, I thanked them but told them that I would not go -- they did not need to do that. Now they are upset with me. I know it would be a hardship for them to pay for me. Nobody has extra. I didn't want to burden them. How can I help them understand that I just can't go and it's not personal? I want them to have fun and not feel bad. What can I say? -- Not a Burden, Shreveport, La.

DEAR NOT A BURDEN: This is a tough situation in that your family is torn. Everybody wants to be together for this vacation, yet, for practical reasons, you are unable to join them. Thank them again for the effort they made to include you, and remind them that it just will not work this time. Tell them that the best thing they can do for you and the family is to have a fantastic time and come back to share stories and photos. If you can feel comfortable talking to them about their plans and helping them get ready, do so. That will help them -- and hopefully you -- to feel less sad about you not being able to come.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently traveled across the country by plane, and I had a really hard time settling in because there was a small dog on the plane sitting next to me. I am allergic. The flight was full, so there was no place for me to go. I spoke to the flight attendant to ask to be moved, but she could not accommodate me. I managed, but I was physically uncomfortable. How can a passenger avoid this in the future? It doesn't seem fair to me that a dog carries more weight than a passenger. -- Allergic, Baltimore

DEAR ALLERGIC: Had you put up a bigger fuss about the dog -- basically stood your ground more firmly -- you probably would have gotten the flight attendant to get someone to trade seats either with you or the person with the dog. Passengers should come first.

In the future, because pets do commonly travel with their owners, you can let the airline know that you are allergic when you purchase your ticket. Ask them to assure you that you will not be seated near any animals.

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