life

Mom Relays Camp Nightmare Too Soon

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 12th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is away at sleep-away camp for the first time this summer. We agreed to send him for four weeks. After a few days, we got messages from him that he wanted to come home. The camp counselors, however, encouraged us to give it time -- many children get homesick and get over it. They were right. The last time we talked to him, he was having a blast.

When he was homesick, I told my mother and my best friend, and now they are upset with me because I did not go to get him. They think I was cruel to leave him there against his will. Nothing that I told them about the counselor's advice or the fact that he is fine now has made a difference. What can I do to quiet things down? -- Shunned, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR SHUNNED: Stay focused on your son and his experience. By all means, check in with camp regularly to make sure that he is doing well. If you learn otherwise, make a decision about your next steps.

As far as your mother and friend, step back a minute. They are reacting to your initial concern about your child's comfort and safety. This is a good reminder for the future. Do not tell them things before you have attempted to handle them directly, because loved ones hold onto dramatic moments far longer than those directly affected.

When your son comes home, debrief him about his experience. Then have him share highlights with them. His authentic stories will help to clarify what his experience has actually been.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been married for many years. For a long time, we did not get along well. We argued daily about stupid stuff. The arguments have subsided a lot, but there is a not-so-good side effect: We have not been intimate in years. I have lost interest in intimacy because we had so many years of animosity. He wants to close the gap. I don't. I know it's not fair, but I don't know how to turn the interest back on. Any advice? -- Dry, Washington, D.C.

DEAR DRY: Have you tried therapy? It might be helpful for the two of you to go to a traditional relationship therapist. This person may be able to help you identify what is blocking you from reconnecting romantically with your husband. There may be some underlying issues you have yet to tackle that can be identified and dissolved so that they no longer stand in the way of intimacy for you two.

You might consider visiting a sex therapist. More and more couples have used this option, as these therapists are trained to help guide couples to get back in touch with their desire for each other.

You might also consider taking a romantic vacation. Do something fun that used to be exciting for both of you. Before going on that vacation or to any therapy, do your best to talk to each other about your relationship and what you would like it to look like in the future. What do you want? Break the ice by striking an honest and thoughtful discussion.

life

Brother's Bragging Bothers Depressed Man

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 11th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: About 10 years ago, my husband's oldest brother passed away after a short bout with cancer. My husband was devastated. They were more than brothers; they were best friends. Since then my husband, "Hubby," has dealt with depression and anxiety so bad he can no longer work. Most days are a battle for him to get out of the house. He is seeking treatment, but it's an uphill battle. Most of his family is aware of his situation, and they try to be supportive.

He has another brother, "Bro," with whom he spends a lot of time. Every time they talk or hang out together, Hubby sinks deeper into depression. You see, Bro lies about everything. If he's not lying, he's bragging. He recently came into some money from a lawsuit. So any conversation is about how much he spent on something, the latest things he bought or where he and his family spent the weekend. Bro's preteen son is rude and cocky; he was never taught to respect his elders. When the son gets into trouble at school, Bro just calls the school and yells at the staff. At one time, this little boy worshiped my husband because Hubby is good to him. But not so much anymore.

Right now we are on a fixed income until I can get a better job. So, of course, money is tight. My heart breaks when Hubby comes home and tells me Bro's latest news. I see how much it hurts him. Any progress he makes with his depression/anxiety disappears as soon as Bro calls. I want to say something to Bro about how much he is hurting his brother, but Hubby doesn't want me to. I will respect his wishes on this. But what can I do? The entire family knows the way Bro is, and it upsets them at times, but he is family. Hubby has already lost one brother. He doesn't want to lose the other over what would become a huge argument full of denial and accusations of jealousy.

Why can't Bro see what he's doing to his brother? My only wish in this world is for my husband to be happy. But with family like this, I don't see it happening anytime soon. Do you have any advice? -- Helpless in the Midwest, Chicago

DEAR HELPLESS IN THE MIDWEST: I understand that you do not want to defy your husband, but it sounds like an intervention is needed. For starters, though, limit Bro's interaction with your family. Do not invite him or his son to visit your home. Take a message when he calls your husband.

I would take it one step further and speak to him directly, letting him know how fragile your husband is right now and asking him to be more thoughtful. Tell him that some of the things he says and does are hurtful. He may not be aware of the impact of his behavior. Describe a couple of scenarios to bring his actions to light. Ask him to be more thoughtful out of respect for his own flesh and blood. If he makes the effort, your husband may benefit.

life

Woman Not Interested in Office Romance

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 10th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student who has started at a new job recently, and I really love it. However, I have a problem. At first I didn't notice it, but now I realize that my boss is hitting on me. When it started, the things he did seemed like simple nice gestures, which I thought nothing of, but now it is obvious. I am at a loss. Recently, he asked me out, and I don't really know what I should do. He is nice, and he is not some creepy old man -- he is 26, and I am 20. My friends say I should report him, but I don't want to lose this great job, and he seems like a nice guy. -- Confronted, Denver

DEAR CONFRONTED: Rather than report him, speak to your boss directly. I know it can seem difficult to stand up to an adult, but I recommend that you ask him if you can have a moment of his time. Then, tell him you are flattered that he wants to go out with you, but that you want to keep your relationship strictly professional. Tell him that you hope he understands. Tell him that you love your job and appreciate the opportunity to work there. Tell him that you are not interested in dating the boss.

By speaking to him directly, you may be able to squash the situation. If, however, you feel that there will be repercussions, go to human resources and explain what has occurred and what your concerns are.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am graduating college next year, and I have no idea what I want to do exactly. I have a general idea that I want to do something with law. For some reason, my dad seems to always make me feel bad for not having a plan mapped out. While I understand where he is coming from, it makes me feel like because I do not have this clear plan of my life already made, I am setting myself up for failure. I try to avoid these conversations with my father, but it is hard.

The one good thing is that my mother is very supportive and pretty patient in terms of letting me figure it out for myself. She is more of a "live life in the present" kind of person, whereas my dad is a future-thinking kind of guy. What should I do? This issue is putting a damper on our relationship to the point where I don't want to spend time with him at all. It is driving me crazy. -- Undecided, Boston

DEAR UNDECIDED: Do not get distracted by your parents. It is time for you to map out a plan for your life. It does not have to be the be-all and end-all plan. But you do need to take steps to make yourself employable. Talk to a career counselor about employment options and continuing your education. An advanced degree in an area of your choice could be a way to buy time before going into the workplace.

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