life

Man's Violent Relationship Scares Roommate

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 5th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am fed up with my roommate and his boyfriend. They are constantly fighting, and my roommate's boyfriend is a complete psycho. One night they got into a huge fight while my girlfriend was sleeping over. When she went to get water in the middle of the night, she said there was a tiny puddle of blood on the floor and some blood splatter on the walls. My roommate and his boyfriend had gotten into an altercation, and the boyfriend got a nosebleed.

I am about to move out because I cannot take it, but my girlfriend thinks that he should leave since he is the one causing all the problems. It is a great apartment in a great neighborhood near my school. Do I kick him out, or should I leave? -- Scared, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR SCARED: Being safe is more important than living in a nice neighborhood. Living with someone who is actively involved in a violent relationship is dangerous. You should speak to your roommate directly about what is going on. Point out that you saw blood on the wall one day after one of their fights and that you are concerned about his safety and your own.

Ask him to forbid his boyfriend from coming to the apartment. Remind him that you share the space and that you consider this person to be dangerous.

Next time there is an altercation, call the police immediately. The violence must be documented. Definitely ask him to move out if the violence continues. Ask the police for support if needed. Ultimately, if he will not move, you should.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have known my best friend, Amanda, for about 20 years, and we even go to the same school. I get along great with her parents. Her dad and I have a great relationship, especially since I grew up without a father. Her dad always jokes that Amanda dates bad boys who treat her poorly, and he says she should go out with me. I have always had the biggest crush on her, but I am not the guy she normally goes out with. I would like to try to go out on just one date. I feel like I should just tell her -- if I don't, I think I will regret not going for it. However, if I do it and she says no, not only will I feel rejected, but how will this affect our friendship? -- Betwixt, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR BETWIXT: Here's the thing: You have been friends for 20 years. If dating has never come up, it is probably because you do not share romantic feelings for each other. That said, a safe way to find out is to ask her if she has ever thought about the two of you dating. You can put it out there casually and see what the conversation yields without putting either of you on the spot.

life

Indecisiveness Could Be Indication of Dementia

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 4th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife of 12 years has developed a habit that is wearing on my nerves. If I ask if she would like a late-evening snack of ice cream, she asked if we have any. My response of "If we did not have the ice cream, I would not have asked" draws a look of displeasure. When we travel and I ask if she would like to stop for a burger or a sit-down meal at a nicer restaurant, she does not respond with her choice but replies, "Yes, that would be OK." If I see her looking through a closet or cabinet and ask what she is looking for, her answer is "something." What is the problem with her inability to provide a simple and direct answer to my questions? -- Irritated in the South, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR IRRITATED IN THE SOUTH: There is a chance that your wife is suffering from memory loss. She could potentially be in the early stages of dementia. Among the common signs of dementia are difficulty completing simple tasks at home, confusion with time or space and difficulty in planning or solving problems.

Instead of getting angry and frustrated with your wife, take her to the doctor. Go with her and share with the doctor some of your concerns. Ask the doctor to conduct blood tests and neurological tests to discover the status of your wife's mental and physical health. For more information on dementia, visit webmd.com/alzheimers/tc/dementia-symptoms.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I thought your advice to the person taking the public speaking class who was looking for ways to overcome his or her shyness was great -- the most important thing to do is to practice. I took a public speaking class in high school. The first time I had to speak in front of the class -- doing no more than telling about myself -- I was beside myself with nerves. But I was stuck for a semester, so I had to find a way to deal with it. Practicing my speeches was invaluable. I practiced in front of the mirror, into a tape recorder and for my family. I learned to make eye contact and always had a detailed outline in front of me that I could glance at when necessary. I not only overcame my nerves and shyness, but I went on to major in speech communication in college. I now work as a financial consultant. It all started with my first public speaking class.

I would like to add that the speaker should always remember he is the only one who knows what he intended to say. If the speaker makes a mistake, no one is the wiser. -- Communication Lover, Washington, D.C.

DEAR COMMUNICATION LOVER: Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You are proof of what I profess all the time, that with practice we all can improve ourselves and even overcome our biggest challenges. What is most amazing is that moment when you realize that you have neutralized a fear and mastered what once was a deficit. It is possible with confidence and practice.

life

Time Is Running Out for Woman Who Wants Baby

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 3rd, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I really want to have a child, but my doctor told me that soon I will be in the danger zone, agewise. I am not in a relationship right now. My doctor says I need to find someone who will help me to have a child -- or else. I am very active in my church, and I know that my pastor will not look favorably on me if I have a child without being married. It goes against my religious beliefs. What can I do? -- Pleasing in Your Sight, Lake Charles, La.

DEAR PLEASING: Schedule a meeting with your pastor to talk about your situation. Find out what your church's stance is about a sperm donor. There may be some leeway in using medical technology because you will not have violated the vow to not have sex before marriage. Find out.

Although it's clear that you want to give birth to a child, you do have the option of adopting. In that way you can remain true to your religious convictions and still have the privilege of shepherding a child through the world.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My macroeconomics teacher is an intelligent woman who knows a lot about the economy and clearly has a passion for it, which I respect. However, she is teaching a one-sided position only, and all our outside readings are opinionated articles that are left-leaning. Writing about the articles makes me feel like I am being brainwashed into believing different opinions than my own. My teacher does not even provide an alternative or other argument to these topics, which is frustrating. I did my own research after I had turned in my paper, and I want to address this with her. What should I do? -- Standing My Ground, New York City

DEAR STANDING MY GROUND: The ideal educational experience is a well-rounded one where students are presented with wisdom from different points of view by an objective teacher. I'm sorry that your teacher did not follow that protocol.

I recommend that you send a formal note to your teacher describing your disappointment that you were not exposed to a range of thinking on the topics that were being taught. You can explain that you subsequently read other perspectives and wished you had had the opportunity to consider all points of view in class. I would also send a note to the department head and/or guidance counselor with the intention of learning about curriculum protocol. It would be helpful for you to know if it's standard for your school to allow teachers to teach one perspective or if it is more common for them to be objective instructors.

In the future, if you have questions about what any of your instructors is teaching you, speak up and schedule an appointment to discuss your questions or concerns or send an email. Typically, educators appreciate interacting with their students.

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