DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is frustrated with her college situation. We live in an affluent neighborhood, and most kids go to private schools. Although they are well-off, her family does not have the means to pay a hefty tuition. Unfortunately, she feels as if some of her more affordable options force her to compromise on what she is looking for in a school. For example, many of the state schools are too big and do not provide an intimate learning environment, while others do not appeal to her preferred social expectations. She is toying with the idea of taking out loans so that she might have a more holistic college experience, yet she fears having tens of thousands of dollars of debt upon graduation, especially because we cannot foresee what the job market will look like. Should she strive for affordability or for the experience that she desires? -- Facing Choices, Cincinnati

DEAR FACING CHOICES: Suggest to your friend that she look into what scholarships may be available at the schools she likes. She can ask her guidance counselor to support her in this effort. There are countless scholarships out there for a host of reasons. Depending on her hobbies, family background, academic record or even quirky pursuits, there may be money out there that she can use to reduce what she has to pay for tuition. You can start your search with fastweb.com and scholarships.com. There are many more sites as well.

Another option that many students are choosing is going to a community college for the first two years and then transferring to a four-year college or university for the last two years. This can help defray costs as well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When my ex and I broke up, it was really ugly although it was private. I acted stupid. He broke up with me, and I begged him not to leave. It was not a pretty picture. I have been doing better. I did not tell anybody the details of our breakup, but he did. One of our mutual friends came up to me at a party and recited everything that happened during our breakup. She was not mean about it; she just wanted to know how I was doing. It was embarrassing. I did not want to rehash that situation with her. I definitely do not want this to happen again. I want to call him and ask him to stop talking about it. What do you think? -- Embarrassed, Los Angeles

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Yes, you can call your ex and ask him not to continue sharing intimate details of your breakup with your mutual friends. Know that he may not have intended to embarrass you. When relationships end, people often need to talk about what happened and process their emotions. He may have been doing just that. What's tough is that his confidant is a shared friend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I witnessed a shouting match at a party last weekend. A girl was berating her friend's boyfriend for the horrible way he treated people. It's true that the boy is rude, but the girl really flew off the handle. The entire party fell silent and watched the exchange. I was positioned in the middle of the crossfire, but I simply averted my eyes and remained quiet. I was extremely uncomfortable, especially because I am not particularly close with either party. I took the first available opportunity to leave the party and avoid the inevitable tension that would persist throughout the night. I might have had a nice time had I stayed, but I couldn't get over how awkward the situation had been. Was that the right thing to do? -- Awkward, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR AWKWARD: Leaving the party was a fine option. You could have even gotten up sooner to get out of the crossfire. People think that being polite in a situation like that means averting your eyes or being still. Maybe. Better, though, is either to attempt to diffuse the shouting -- perhaps best handled by the host of the party, or to get up when it starts and walk away. Staying and enduring the shouting match makes you a bystander in an ugly situation that really called for action that would have ended it.

To that end, another thing you could have done is to find the host or another authority figure and ask that person to intervene.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a dilemma. My daughter is 15 years old, and her 16th birthday is a few weeks away. Around the time of my daughter's birthday, I start summer sessions at my college. Turning 16 is a big deal, and I would like to give her a great gift, but I spent a lot of money on tuition and books for my summer classes. I have some extra money put aside for a rainy day. I want my daughter's birthday to be special, and I would like some advice on how she can have her special day on a budget. -- Back in School Mom, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR BACK IN SCHOOL MOM: While many families host extravagant events for 16th birthdays, you do not have to do that. Instead, you may want to use part of your rainy day fund to host a birthday dinner for your daughter and a few of her friends at your home. Make her favorite meal. Be mindful to set the table elegantly with Sweet 16 accents. Invite the guests to dress up for the occasion. Make it special in the attention you pay to detail.

Make sure you have completed your studies so that you are not distracted by your schoolwork. Being fully present and engaged for your daughter should help her to feel grateful for the celebration you are able to design for her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My elementary school-age children go to private school, and their best friends do not. Recently, the kids were talking about school and after-school activities. My kids have lots of extracurricular activities available at the school. Their friends go to various other places to take dance or music or art. At first they didn't understand why the setup is different. In the end, the kids realized that everyone is doing fun things each week that are very similar to one another. My kids brought it up again later, though, and had lots of questions about private versus public school. What should I tell them? I don't want them to think that they are better than anybody simply because of where they go to school. -- Lost for Words, Boston

DEAR LOST FOR WORDS: Keep it simple. Tell your children that each school is different, whether private or public. Individual schools emphasize particular aspects of learning. While all schools will have reading, math, science and the like, not all will have music, gym and art. When that is not the case, parents usually supplement their children's education and enroll them in outside classes. It is likely that even in your school, plenty of students participate in other activities beyond those offered there.

What you do not need to get into with your children is how unfortunate it is that gym, music and art have evaporated from many public school programs. The tightening of our economy has hurt countless school systems. But that really is an adult conversation. Your role is to help your children see the similarities and respect the differences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into an old friend from college who I had not seen in more than a dozen years. As we traveled down memory lane, he mentioned that a good friend of mine from college is gravely ill. I have not stayed in touch with this woman for years. I'm wondering if it will be jarring if I reach out to her now. He gave me her information and told me he thought she would be happy to hear from me. I'm just not sure. -- Tentative, Flint, Mich.

DEAR TENTATIVE: Go for it. Contact your old friend, and tell her that you ran into the mutual friend who gave you her number. Make it easy on her by not putting her on the spot. Talk about the pleasant nature of your recent reunion with the other friend. Tell her about your life. Keep the conversation upbeat.

You can ask her how she is doing, but do not pry. A good icebreaker is to ask her what she has done since college. Chances are, her recollections from a few years ago will be upbeat. Be an active listener. If you chat with her, that can be enough. If she chooses to bring up her illness, be present and listen. You really do not need to say much. Your tone should be compassionate.