life

Following Dreams May Mean Deferring Grad School

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 11th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am graduating in June, and my mother is hassling me about attending graduate school. She knows I really want to pursue my dream in fashion and have moved from home to another state to start my career. Since I moved about a year ago, I have taken on wonderful assignments and met interesting people, yet I have not gotten the "dream job." My mother feels I should move back home and attend graduate school, then pursue my passion. In her eyes, I will never make the money I want to make by doing dead-end jobs. I've expressed to her that while school is important, I have time and I'm thinking about my next move. However, that isn't good enough for her. Can you please advise me on how to address my mother without being cold? -- On the Precipice, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR ON THE PRECIPICE: Congratulations on your graduation. This is a great accomplishment that you should pause to relish. Both you and your mother have good points. Many people do go directly to graduate school so that they can fortify their skills and position themselves for potentially higher-paying professional jobs. I value higher education, and I understand why your mother is urging you forward.

At the same time, I have witnessed many people take a few years to pursue their professional interests and figure out exactly what they want to do, then go to graduate school with a clear focus. Both approaches can work.

While you have not yet gotten your "dream job" -- an unlikely option for most people when they first start working -- if you choose not to go to graduate school, do your best to pursue employment in your field of interest so that you do not waste your time. Also, don't wait too long to go back to school. Earning money can make it tough to immerse yourself in education, especially if you have to give up your job to do it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: How do you address a stalking situation? I take my niece to school three times a week, and we usually take the same route every day. As of late, I have changed our route because I feel that someone is following us. As her uncle, I want to keep her safe. I have seen this guy when I walk her to school, when I'm coming home from work -- almost every day. There's something odd about him. After I dropped off my niece at her school, I bumped into the man at a newsstand, and I asked him why he was following me. He said he wanted to be friends. I told him no and walked away in disgust. I didn't know what to do. Should I have found a police officer to report my situation? -- I'm Watching You, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR I'M WATCHING YOU: You are wise to change your route regularly to protect your niece. By all means report your suspicions to the local police. Be sure that you lock your doors and windows at home. Consider getting a security system if you don't already have one. Make sure your friends and neighbors know your suspicion.

life

Charity Giving Must Be Researched

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 10th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel so bad for the people in Boston after the marathon bombings. I want to give money to help. I'm a little afraid, though, of where to send my money. I hear that there has been a lot of money collected already and there are scam businesses set up to divert the money going to victims of the bombing. I know I can go to the Red Cross, but what if I want to give another charity a chance? How can I do it safely? -- Wanting to Give, Philadelphia

DEAR WANTING TO GIVE: It is wonderful how generous people have been in the wake of this tragedy. And you are right to be wary of how to give. I also like the idea of sharing the wealth with a variety of charities, but you need to be sure your choice is legitimate.

The IRS has come up with a few guidelines for safe charitable giving:

-- Donate to qualified charities. Use the Exempt Organizations Select Check tool at IRS.gov to find qualified charities. Only donations to qualified charitable organizations are tax-deductible. You can also find legitimate charities on the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) website at fema.gov.

-- Be wary of charities with similar names.

-- Don't give out personal financial information. Do not give your Social Security, credit card of bank account numbers and passwords to anyone who solicits a contribution from you. Scam artists use this information to steal your identity and money.

-- Don't give or send cash. For security and tax record purposes, contribute by check, credit card or another way that provides documentation of the donation.

-- Report suspected fraud. Taxpayers suspecting tax or charity-related fraud should visit IRS.gov and perform a search using the keywords "Report Phishing."

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that it is spring, people are dressing crazy. I saw one woman wearing a miniskirt, and as she crossed the street her skirt blew up in the air and exposed her panties. That was not cute at all. I saw another woman who didn't seem to even have on panties while wearing a sheer skirt. Now, I am no prude, but I do think people should at least take a look at themselves before they walk out the door. Can you please say something to these people about appropriate dress? -- Appalled, New York City

DEAR APPALLED: I have seen my fair share of too much body exposed, especially in warmer months. While I love fashion and like the idea of people having the freedom to express their unique personalities through their attire, I believe that we all should know where to draw the line.

I suggest that you think about your day before you leave your home. Make note of what you have to do and what is expected of you when you show up. That includes what you have to wear. Consciously decide how to dress so that you will feel empowered throughout the day. Once you are dressed, look at yourself in the mirror -- head to toe, front to back. Make sure that you like the way you look all the way around.

If you do that, chances are you will think twice about not putting on underwear or wearing something so short or so low-cut that you will not be comfortable all day long.

life

Nice Guy Has Trouble Getting Out of the Friend Zone

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 9th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: Every time I meet a young lady and start dating her, it turns into a platonic relationship. I don't know why. I am a kind man. I am very active in my church. I treat women with respect. I have good manners. Sometimes they call me a teddy bear. I am very tall and -- I'll just say it -- a big guy. I don't want to go on and on, but I really am a nice guy. Honestly, I think that's the problem. Maybe I am too nice. It seems like the guys who are deceitful or slick always get the girls. What can I do? -- Lonely Guy, Shreveport, La.

DEAR LONELY GUY: You have not met the right woman for you -- yet. Do not give up. What many people do not realize is that there are countless men who are having trouble finding a match.

As you know, it can be challenging to find the right person. To refine your search, make a list of the qualities that you desire in a partner. Be as specific as you can. Your list will help you to weed out poor prospects.

Now, write a list about yourself. What are your best qualities? What have women told you when they relegate you to the "friend" category? Do your best to remember anything specific about the feedback you have received. You may discover something about your behavior that you can modify. Do not give up!

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your answer to Mom in Shock about how her child and a friend were running down a fellow student for wearing the same clothing several times a week could have gone a step further -- on several fronts.

Instead of a handout directly to the schoolmate and/or her family, how about contributing to a program that helps multiple children at the school in a way that won't be embarrassing to the schoolmate and/or her family. Lots of these programs let the kids "shop" for their own outfits and run less risk/possible embarrassment of wearing clothes from an easily identified source.

And this way the daughter can help multiple children by giving her outgrown and/or unwanted items and learn about being sensitive to others' feelings and self-confidence. And the daughter will learn about continuing generosity. I think this is a win-win that keeps the recipients' dignity in mind.

Sometimes a women's league or hospital thrift shop (for example) runs such programs. Or check with the Salvation Army. -- Helping Hand, Chicago

DEAR HELPING HAND: Great ideas! Empowering children and eliminating embarrassment are so important. I love the idea of letting children "shop" for their own outfits.

Further on this topic is the perspective that many of us have on people wearing clothes repeatedly. This is one reason why some schools require uniforms. This takes the competition regarding wardrobe largely out of the equation. Another idea occurred to me as well: In other countries, there is little to no stigma to people -- children and adults alike -- wearing the same clothes often. We have lots to learn.

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