DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a problem with my mother. She is flirting with my husband and has been for the five years she has lived near us. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage, but when my mother decided to move out of one state to live with us, I refused. I don't trust her, and I know she just used me to attract men. So she has lived about a mile from us for the last five years. She is 84 years old, hated my father for the 47 years they were married and still hates him even though he has been dead for eight years. My dad did everything she wanted. He gave her a nice home, cars and spending money -- he loved her even after they were divorced. She ran off with an older man, but that didn't last because his ex-wife took him back.

Now it seems like she wants my husband! She kisses him on the lips in front of me. I tell her that he is mine, and she laughs and says he is hers, too. Then she giggles and walks away. When my husband goes over to help her, she tricks him into kissing on the lips again. We have caught her in lies, but he just says that she's old. I hate what she is doing to our marriage. I love my husband and trust him completely. I don't trust my mother. We haven't been close for 40 years.

When my mother's sister died in 1996, my mother acted in a motherly way to my adult cousins. They think she is just the cutest, so they always come first with her. My brothers and I never hear from her unless she wants something. My younger brother won't do anything with our mother because she hates his wife.

So now I am saddled with her. I don't know what to say or do that will get into her head that I am serious that my husband is mine, and I don't share. -- Hands Off, Chicago

DEAR HANDS OFF: At 84, your mother is not likely to change. What you have described is unfortunate, but it does not have to damage your marriage. Your husband is not going to run away with your mother. If he chalks her behavior up to old age, it sounds like he is able to manage her inappropriateness without being too uncomfortable. He could also tell her to stop kissing him on the lips. He can stop reaching toward her to hug or kiss her at all. He is the one who has to do something, though. Your words and warnings are falling on deaf ears.

Since you know how your mother is, do your best to stop getting undone by it. Instead, focus your energy on your marriage. Continue to engage in intimate and fun activities with just you and your husband.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work with a lot of women, and it's beginning to be way too much with all the posing and weight loss competition going on. There is even a 65-year-old colleague who is in on the competition. They all claim different reasons for weight loss, but I know they are competing with each other. My manager has had lap band surgery, and her ego has gotten so big that I do not want to be in the same room as her. She is always sizing up the women next to her -- including me -- and talking about her weight loss. Another female co-worker who is almost 50 says she is going to start bodybuilding. There's nothing wrong with that except she won't stop asking people how much it looks like she's lost. She weighs in on a daily basis. The older woman reads all the labels of my food and tells me why I should not eat it.

I am tired of it all and happy with how I look. I eat in moderation and I walk, but I am not in competition with this crazy group -- I just like to breathe freely. I want this to all go away or not involve me. How do I do this without them thinking I am trying to one-up them or join their covert competition? -- Count Me Out, Washington, D.C.

DEAR COUNT ME OUT: That's a lot to take in on a daily basis! What you need is tunnel vision. You are going to have to figure out how to focus on your work in a laser-sharp manner, clearing your mind's eye of these women and their weight loss obsession. You can stop responding when they ask you questions or model before you. You can store your food in private and remove labels so that there is less ammunition for them to pick at. You can tell the woman who evaluates your food that you are not interested in her comments.

Mostly, though, do your job. When they slip into weight chat, walk away. Because they are so immersed in this discussion, chances are they may not even notice that you are not participating. If you need to say something, though, feel confident stating that you are not interested in being a part of that conversation. It doesn't matter what they think.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In my college writing class, there are at least two people who talk constantly in every two-hour session. I think they're nice people, but when it comes to the writing class, I need to concentrate. How should I approach them without hurting their feelings? -- Want to Learn, New York City

DEAR WANT TO LEARN: Can you move your seat away from these people? Position yourself as close to the teacher as you can. You can also ask them to lower their voices. State the obvious -- you can't hear the teacher when they are talking.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My district manager is always mocking me and busting my chops. He says I'm one of his favorites and he respects me, but sometimes he takes it too far. I've been with my company for seven years now, and the highest I have moved up is assistant manager. The district manager calls on me for everything from training staff at other stores to taking on certain key managerial roles, but he doesn't feel I'm ready for my own store. I've helped open and run five stores within my district. I really love the company and my peers, but I'm ready for a change. I'm tired of trying to work through the ranks, while others -- even people I've trained -- are moving up. I want to leave the company, but I don't want to lose out on the opportunity of possibly ever getting my own store. What should I do? -- Poised for Success, Washington, D.C.

DEAR POISED FOR SUCCESS: Why not have a talk with your district manager to set the course for your future success? Let him know your desire to take on more responsibility. Remind him in an affirmative, non-defensive way of your successes on behalf of the company thus far. Ask him what the benchmarks are that you need to reach in order to be ready to run your own store. Ask him to give you pointers on what he believes you need to do in order to meet those benchmarks. Demonstrate to him that you are a team player and that you want to rise in the company. See how he responds. That will help you know if you have a future with this company.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had to weigh in on the person who took offense to her superior's email request as being reasonable but too harsh. I have encountered this from the other perspective -- misunderstood, perhaps, because I was in a hurry, facing deadlines and needing quick help, or just passionate about the issue. I expect the other party to receive the email based on their knowledge of me and of our working relationship. It is impossible to accurately interpret tone of voice or intention in the written word. It is crucial to remember who is speaking and what you know of his or her personality. Hear the writer's voice reading the email rather than your own. Never follow up one disconcerting email with another. Face-to-face is the only way to truly know what the other person intended. Tone of voice, eye contact and body language can't be communicated by email. --Too Often Misunderstood, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR TOO OFTEN MISUNDERSTOOD: It is great to receive another perspective on such a prickly topic. You are right that it is wise for people to think outside of themselves when they are receiving communications. This includes employees who are reacting to communication from their bosses. As you well know, in the heat of the moment it can be difficult for either party to react calmly and with reason.

Your point about remembering who is speaking and what your relationship has been with that person is imperative. Then you can better ascertain what's going on. You may give your boss the benefit of the doubt because you know it has been a rough day, for example. Best of all is the point that communicating face-to-face yields more real results. If that is not possible, try the phone over an email exchange.