life

Breaking Up Usually Means Spending Time Apart

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 27th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and her longtime boyfriend broke up recently. They've been friends for so long that they say they can't not talk to each other. She says none of their talking is romantic, but I told her I'm worried she'll get hurt because it's impossible to get over someone without a little space. They still talk every day. What's your opinion on the situation? -- Concerned, Washington, D.C.

DEAR CONCERNED: I agree that distance is often a healer in relationships. It is wise for couples who break up to spend time apart from each other to heal and redefine themselves. This is particularly true for couples who have been together a long time.

That said, it is not within your purview or power to convince them to cool it with their communication. Who knows what is next for them? Perhaps they will be able to talk through their issues and find clarity on why they broke up and whether they intend to stay just friends or try again. Perhaps one or both of them will get their feelings hurt when new love interests come on the scene.

You cannot protect your friend from her fate. If she asks your opinion, you can give it. Make sure you are clear when talking to her that what you are offering is just that: an opinion. If things backfire, bite your tongue and do not say, "I told you so." Instead, be a good friend by being a compassionate listener.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends overshares on Facebook. He recently posted his GPA, which wasn't great, along with a message about how it has inspired him to do better. He has also said on Facebook that he has never been kissed. I think things like that are too personal to post on the Internet for everyone to see. Should I talk to him, or is it his prerogative to post whatever he wants? -- Privacy Please, Chicago

DEAR PRIVACY PLEASE: Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could get your friends to heed your advice? Unfortunately, it doesn't often happen. Don't give up yet, though.

Ask your friend to have a chat with you. Mention your concern over the amount of personal information he shares via social media and how it could backfire on him as it relates to continuing his education, getting a job or being taken seriously. Point out also that posting about his love life, or lack thereof, can easily attract stalkers or other undesirables. Suggest that he have these conversations with his friends rather than his cyberfriends. A cyberconversation about personal intimacies can backfire too quickly.

After you share your thoughts, back off. He is an individual with the right to post what he chooses. He may be comfortable with his personal postings and choose to continue. If he does, your next step can be to stop engaging him via social media so that you avoid being a participant in his drama.

life

Hubby Is Happy Traveling in the USA

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 26th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I need some help with my husband, who refuses to travel outside of the United States. We have been married for six years, and every year I tell my husband that I want to travel to Paris and Italy for vacation. And every year he politely tells me no.

When I asked why he is not interested in traveling outside of the U.S., he responded, "We can see everything we want right here in the United States." To prove his point, this is what my husband decided to do: Instead of going to Europe, we went to Las Vegas and stayed at the Paris hotel, and we visited the Venetian hotel to ride the gondolas.

I have to admit that we had a great time in Vegas, but I really wanted to go to Europe instead. How can I change my husband's mind about traveling outside the United States? -- Would-be Globetrotter, Chicago

DEAR WOULD-BE GLOBETROTTER: I hope you thanked your husband for his creative attempt to satisfy you and himself. You have to admit that his compromise was clever.

I suggest that you dig a little deeper to try to find the source of your husband's apprehension regarding international travel. Is there something in his past that might preclude him from securing a passport? Did he have a bad experience before meeting you that had to do with international travel?

If he sticks to his guns, begin to talk to him about other options. It could be that his lack of interest in going does not preclude you from going. Perhaps you can go to Europe with some of your girlfriends or with an organized tour group. Indeed, if you go and come back with a wealth of stories, he may change his mind and choose to join you the next time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A superior sent me a rude email earlier this week. Her request was reasonable, but the way she phrased the email was unnecessarily rude and harsh. I'm not sure if I should bring it up with the other superiors or if it would put them in an uncomfortable position. What should I do? -- Offended, Boston

DEAR OFFENDED: If you can drum up the courage, speak directly to the woman who wrote the email. Request a meeting. Acknowledge the tasks that she requested. If you have completed them, state that fact. Otherwise, tell her when you expect to be finished. Then add that the note was a bit disconcerting for you because it was so harshly delivered. State that you want to do a good job and fulfill her expectations and that it will be easier to do so if she is not so harsh.

Your superior may not respond favorably to your request, but I think it would be best to go to her first before reporting her to others. If you do not feel that you have been heard or acknowledged after talking with her, go to human resources for support.

life

She's Not Fishing for an Invitation

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 25th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just saw on Facebook that one of my longtime friends is getting married. She looks so pretty and sounds so excited in her message.

I want to congratulate her, but I don't want to make her feel bad if she isn't planning on inviting me to her wedding. Obviously, I would like to be invited. But I understand how expensive weddings can be and do not have any expectations about going.

How do I congratulate her without asking? I really am not trying to push her one way or the other. -- Well-Wisher, Washington, D.C.

DEAR WELL-WISHER: Be authentically happy for your friend. Give her a call and congratulate her. Invite her to lunch or out for drinks to get caught up and to celebrate her engagement. The point is to acknowledge her good news with an independent invitation that is not attached to a party or the actual wedding.

If she agrees, treat her to the outing and listen to her stories. Most brides-to-be are filled with anecdotes about how the couple met and the upcoming nuptials, news about their families and more.

Be sure to catch her up on your life as well. Be a friend -- without attachments. She will appreciate that you are present and asking nothing of her.

Tell her that you love her and want the best for her. Make it clear that you are not asking for an invitation. You are simply offering her your love.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I finally have time to respond to the mother who is distraught because a rude teacher hurt her child's feelings. I am shocked at this. There is absolutely no excuse for any teacher to be rude to any student -- or to anyone else, for that matter. I call that bullying.

I never, ever even had to raise my voice! Empowering students is more work than being a bully.

It sounds like this teacher has gotten away with this, and as you age, a bad habit becomes worse. This is abuse. She should be fired immediately. -- Old School, Vassar, Mich.

DEAR OLD SCHOOL: I couldn't agree with you more that the administration needs to evaluate this teacher's behavior and decide what disciplinary action will be taken. 

I believe the role of a teacher is at least twofold. Of course the teacher is charged with teaching the students a variety of content. At my daughter's school, they go one step further and pronounce that the teachers should inspire students to become lovers of learning.

Additionally, I believe a teacher's responsibility is to empower students to be confident individuals who believe they can learn, grow and prosper. Bullying does the opposite, because it erodes self-confidence and stymies growth.

It is up to parents to stand up to any teacher who is mean, condescending or otherwise bullying any student in the classroom. That may mean speaking directly to the teacher and/or the principal.

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