DEAR HARRIETTE: My 8-year-old daughter received an expensive gift -- a smartphone -- from her father a few weeks ago. I understand the importance of communication, but I believe he went a little overboard with this purchase. I confronted him and asked why. His response was that he wants the best for his daughter.

To be honest, the best gift for my daughter, in my opinion, would be for her father to be a stabilizing presence in her life. What is he going to give her next -- an Xbox 360, or maybe a pair of $200 sneakers? -- Annoyed Mom, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR ANNOYED MOM: Because you and your ex are co-parenting your daughter, it is imperative that you come to terms on what you value for her at different ages. This may be hard since the two of you are not together.

Be careful not to scold your ex, which might drive him away. Instead, tell him you want to talk about age-appropriate gifts and what it means to give your child "the best." One reason an expensive smartphone may not be wise for an 8-year-old is that it can be easily lost. It also may offer too much access to the Internet, which could be detrimental to a young child if unsupervised.

Ask your ex if he is willing to talk to you before making big purchases. Indeed, it would be wise to set up weekly calls during which you can check in about parenting in general. If you grow accustomed to talking about your daughter without having it be only when you are angry, you stand a better chance of developing healthy habits that you both agree to implement.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a returning college student, and I'm having a challenge with the math elements of my microeconomics class. I haven't had to learn a math equation in more than 15 years, and my math skills are rusty.

I told my professor that I was struggling and that I was planning to get a tutor. To my surprise, she advised that I not seek help from a tutor.

I believe she has given me bad advice. I know my academic needs, and I want to do what is best for me and my grades. What should I do? -- College Man, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR COLLEGE MAN: Listen to your gut. If you think you need help, get it. It cannot hurt for you to get a tutor to support you in this class or any other. Especially since you feel rusty in this area, get help, become excellent at math, master this class and prove your value with great work.

Your professor may mean well, but you do not have to forgo support just because she thinks you do not need it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I would like to comment on your column about a caring co-worker who wants to give a younger colleague a coat.

While I don't know the age of the caring co-worker, I would have to guess that she is older. I'm 53 and have lived in the Chicago area for most of my life, and I don't wear a winter coat except to walk the dog. Yesterday the temperature here was 10, with a wind chill in the negative numbers, and I wore my usual medium-weight pullover while running errands. A couple of times, women approached me about the fact I didn't have on a winter coat, and I told them I never wear one. It drove my mother (a nurse) nuts for years (I also go out with wet hair and no hat), but since I'm rarely sick and don't complain about being cold, she has finally come around and doesn't even comment on it anymore.

Also, in the case of the younger generation, my son and his wife (in their early 30s) are rarely in winter coats, either. For them, it's a fashion thing.

I would suggest that the caring co-worker get to know this younger person better before dropping a used coat at her desk. Their taste in clothes could be miles apart. The younger worker might be insulted that someone was so presumptuous as to decide that she needed a used coat. She could be utterly embarrassed to be "mothered," and maybe freaked out that someone is watching so closely her comings and goings and the clothes she's wearing.

On the other hand, if the caring co-worker gets to know this younger person, maybe even "doing lunch" outside the office, that would give her an opportunity to find out if the younger person would be receptive to the idea of a used coat. If she is interested, this sharing also could take place away from the office, where there is less likelihood of others observing and making embarrassing comments -- or, worse, thinking that all their hand-me-down clothes should go to this younger worker.

I think there's a fine line that needs to be walked when giving used clothing, especially when it involves an office setting. -- Coat-Free, Chicago

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to school with a young woman (early 20s) who also did not have a warm coat. She walked several miles to campus rather than taking mass transit, even in the midst of Chicago's cold winters. When I offered her a coat, she said she preferred to layer.

The actual story -- as told by her apartment mate -- was that she was from a wealthy New York City family and apparently felt that living a life of deprivation demonstrated her independence and fortitude. -- Layered, Chicago

DEAR COAT-FREE AND LAYERED: Wow, I got so many wonderful letters about this topic that I decided to run two. You both give great alternative thoughts regarding the wearing of a winter coat -- or not -- in frigid temperatures.

The moral of your stories: Do not assume what another needs. Ask discreetly, and respond accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into a long, drawn-out conversation/argument with my sister the other day, and after a while I got defensive. That's when I really messed up. I lashed out and basically told her about herself. She can be really harsh and mean. I know she is supersensitive, so I have never said that to her before, but I socked it to her this time. I could tell immediately that I hurt her feelings.

I feel awful. I can't take back what I said. It was all true, but still, I didn't mean to hurt her. How can I mend this fence? -- Sad Sister, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR SAD SISTER: Sometimes it takes just a spark to set off a huge brush fire. But guess what? That might not be so bad. Maybe you have unearthed something about your relationship with your sister that is worth exploring.

Reach out to her and apologize for hurting her feelings. You are legitimately sorry about that. But then go further. Although she is sensitive, it sounds as if you are, too. Tell her that the way she says things to you sometimes hurts your feelings. Often people who think they are communicating in a direct manner do not realize that their words may come off as harsh. Describe a scenario and tell her how it made you feel. Listen to her reaction. You two may have a breakthrough as a side effect of a stumble in your previous conversation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Honestly, must your reader offer up her body -- with the presumption that sex will be the reward for compliance -- to get her husband to observe basic hygiene by showering before bed? As a man, I resent the implicit manipulation in trying to appeal to our baser instincts.

If the writer's husband is so clueless, stubborn and unwilling to make such a small concession to his wife, her retreat to the sofa or spare bedroom might help the dolt see the error of his ways. Why, in your mind, must the woman walk on eggshells, resort to subterfuge and ultimately degrade herself by seducing a moron who refuses to budge an inch in doing something so basic as washing up before bed? -- Disgusted Husband, Washington, D.C.

DEAR DISGUSTED HUSBAND: I fully accept your view on this and, indeed, believe that the husband in question -- and anyone else who does not value hygiene before going to bed -- should think twice about that. Regrettably, I will also say that I have talked to many women who have used reason in imploring their husbands to bathe before bed, to no end.

I suppose moving out of the bedroom is a viable way to get him to pay attention, but it seems equally as strong as my recommendation. Your route looks like shutting the door; mine, like opening it. Both are extreme measures.

I hope any spouse reading this who is guilty of going to bed dirty will realize that it would be so much simpler to just clean up!