DEAR HARRIETTE: I would like to comment on your column about a caring co-worker who wants to give a younger colleague a coat.

While I don't know the age of the caring co-worker, I would have to guess that she is older. I'm 53 and have lived in the Chicago area for most of my life, and I don't wear a winter coat except to walk the dog. Yesterday the temperature here was 10, with a wind chill in the negative numbers, and I wore my usual medium-weight pullover while running errands. A couple of times, women approached me about the fact I didn't have on a winter coat, and I told them I never wear one. It drove my mother (a nurse) nuts for years (I also go out with wet hair and no hat), but since I'm rarely sick and don't complain about being cold, she has finally come around and doesn't even comment on it anymore.

Also, in the case of the younger generation, my son and his wife (in their early 30s) are rarely in winter coats, either. For them, it's a fashion thing.

I would suggest that the caring co-worker get to know this younger person better before dropping a used coat at her desk. Their taste in clothes could be miles apart. The younger worker might be insulted that someone was so presumptuous as to decide that she needed a used coat. She could be utterly embarrassed to be "mothered," and maybe freaked out that someone is watching so closely her comings and goings and the clothes she's wearing.

On the other hand, if the caring co-worker gets to know this younger person, maybe even "doing lunch" outside the office, that would give her an opportunity to find out if the younger person would be receptive to the idea of a used coat. If she is interested, this sharing also could take place away from the office, where there is less likelihood of others observing and making embarrassing comments -- or, worse, thinking that all their hand-me-down clothes should go to this younger worker.

I think there's a fine line that needs to be walked when giving used clothing, especially when it involves an office setting. -- Coat-Free, Chicago

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to school with a young woman (early 20s) who also did not have a warm coat. She walked several miles to campus rather than taking mass transit, even in the midst of Chicago's cold winters. When I offered her a coat, she said she preferred to layer.

The actual story -- as told by her apartment mate -- was that she was from a wealthy New York City family and apparently felt that living a life of deprivation demonstrated her independence and fortitude. -- Layered, Chicago

DEAR COAT-FREE AND LAYERED: Wow, I got so many wonderful letters about this topic that I decided to run two. You both give great alternative thoughts regarding the wearing of a winter coat -- or not -- in frigid temperatures.

The moral of your stories: Do not assume what another needs. Ask discreetly, and respond accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into a long, drawn-out conversation/argument with my sister the other day, and after a while I got defensive. That's when I really messed up. I lashed out and basically told her about herself. She can be really harsh and mean. I know she is supersensitive, so I have never said that to her before, but I socked it to her this time. I could tell immediately that I hurt her feelings.

I feel awful. I can't take back what I said. It was all true, but still, I didn't mean to hurt her. How can I mend this fence? -- Sad Sister, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR SAD SISTER: Sometimes it takes just a spark to set off a huge brush fire. But guess what? That might not be so bad. Maybe you have unearthed something about your relationship with your sister that is worth exploring.

Reach out to her and apologize for hurting her feelings. You are legitimately sorry about that. But then go further. Although she is sensitive, it sounds as if you are, too. Tell her that the way she says things to you sometimes hurts your feelings. Often people who think they are communicating in a direct manner do not realize that their words may come off as harsh. Describe a scenario and tell her how it made you feel. Listen to her reaction. You two may have a breakthrough as a side effect of a stumble in your previous conversation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Honestly, must your reader offer up her body -- with the presumption that sex will be the reward for compliance -- to get her husband to observe basic hygiene by showering before bed? As a man, I resent the implicit manipulation in trying to appeal to our baser instincts.

If the writer's husband is so clueless, stubborn and unwilling to make such a small concession to his wife, her retreat to the sofa or spare bedroom might help the dolt see the error of his ways. Why, in your mind, must the woman walk on eggshells, resort to subterfuge and ultimately degrade herself by seducing a moron who refuses to budge an inch in doing something so basic as washing up before bed? -- Disgusted Husband, Washington, D.C.

DEAR DISGUSTED HUSBAND: I fully accept your view on this and, indeed, believe that the husband in question -- and anyone else who does not value hygiene before going to bed -- should think twice about that. Regrettably, I will also say that I have talked to many women who have used reason in imploring their husbands to bathe before bed, to no end.

I suppose moving out of the bedroom is a viable way to get him to pay attention, but it seems equally as strong as my recommendation. Your route looks like shutting the door; mine, like opening it. Both are extreme measures.

I hope any spouse reading this who is guilty of going to bed dirty will realize that it would be so much simpler to just clean up!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my son was not accepted to the college he has been dreaming about for years. He did get accepted to another school, but he is devastated. How can I support him through this? -- Sympathetic Mom, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SYMPATHETIC MOM: Remind your son of the victory of being accepted to college. Encourage him to reach out to his favorite school and find out why he wasn't accepted. Occasionally schools will provide feedback. If he gets it, this may help him to shore up areas that may not be as strong as he might like.

Give him context, no matter what. Many more applicants typically want to attend a given school than the school can accept. He is not alone in this tough rejection.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In today's paper, I read your column about a woman whose 80-year-old mother calls her three times a day at work.

As someone who has recently overseen the care of three elderly family members, I think your suggestion to find local senior centers for the mother was a good start, but it may be missing the mark. If the mother forgets that she should not call during the day, that is a big sign. Often we are in denial about the decline of our parents for any number of reasons.

It is time for this mom to be assessed by a doctor and to receive help in moving to a senior living apartment (with meals and social amenities) or assisted living. Also, she should get power of attorney and health-care proxies in order.

Most people wait too long for this step and suffer needlessly with boredom, neglect or worse. Making the move or change while still somewhat cognizant is a huge benefit to all.

I wish I had moved my mother sooner. She now lives in a very nice assisted living home; I call her daily or more, and visit her at least weekly. There are more activities than she can ever attend, and she has made new friends among the residents and the staff. She is eating well, receives her medicines on time and is cared for and happy.

Please inform your reader that it is time to step up and check out her mom's situation. She will get peace of mind, and her mother will remain engaged, safe and happy.

Numerous resources are available to help people learn how to afford such care. In our area, Eldersource is a good resource. Some assisted living homes offer a limited number of Medicaid beds (get on the wait list), and Veterans Affairs offers Aid and Attendance to veterans and their spouses. -- Been There, Rochester, N.Y.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for your suggestions. The bottom line is that when we are lucky enough to have our elders in our lives, we are also responsible for paying attention to their needs.

One thing that younger people can do now in preparing for the future is to purchase long-term care insurance before they need it. For more information, visit aarphealthcare.com.