DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into a long, drawn-out conversation/argument with my sister the other day, and after a while I got defensive. That's when I really messed up. I lashed out and basically told her about herself. She can be really harsh and mean. I know she is supersensitive, so I have never said that to her before, but I socked it to her this time. I could tell immediately that I hurt her feelings.

I feel awful. I can't take back what I said. It was all true, but still, I didn't mean to hurt her. How can I mend this fence? -- Sad Sister, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR SAD SISTER: Sometimes it takes just a spark to set off a huge brush fire. But guess what? That might not be so bad. Maybe you have unearthed something about your relationship with your sister that is worth exploring.

Reach out to her and apologize for hurting her feelings. You are legitimately sorry about that. But then go further. Although she is sensitive, it sounds as if you are, too. Tell her that the way she says things to you sometimes hurts your feelings. Often people who think they are communicating in a direct manner do not realize that their words may come off as harsh. Describe a scenario and tell her how it made you feel. Listen to her reaction. You two may have a breakthrough as a side effect of a stumble in your previous conversation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Honestly, must your reader offer up her body -- with the presumption that sex will be the reward for compliance -- to get her husband to observe basic hygiene by showering before bed? As a man, I resent the implicit manipulation in trying to appeal to our baser instincts.

If the writer's husband is so clueless, stubborn and unwilling to make such a small concession to his wife, her retreat to the sofa or spare bedroom might help the dolt see the error of his ways. Why, in your mind, must the woman walk on eggshells, resort to subterfuge and ultimately degrade herself by seducing a moron who refuses to budge an inch in doing something so basic as washing up before bed? -- Disgusted Husband, Washington, D.C.

DEAR DISGUSTED HUSBAND: I fully accept your view on this and, indeed, believe that the husband in question -- and anyone else who does not value hygiene before going to bed -- should think twice about that. Regrettably, I will also say that I have talked to many women who have used reason in imploring their husbands to bathe before bed, to no end.

I suppose moving out of the bedroom is a viable way to get him to pay attention, but it seems equally as strong as my recommendation. Your route looks like shutting the door; mine, like opening it. Both are extreme measures.

I hope any spouse reading this who is guilty of going to bed dirty will realize that it would be so much simpler to just clean up!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my son was not accepted to the college he has been dreaming about for years. He did get accepted to another school, but he is devastated. How can I support him through this? -- Sympathetic Mom, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SYMPATHETIC MOM: Remind your son of the victory of being accepted to college. Encourage him to reach out to his favorite school and find out why he wasn't accepted. Occasionally schools will provide feedback. If he gets it, this may help him to shore up areas that may not be as strong as he might like.

Give him context, no matter what. Many more applicants typically want to attend a given school than the school can accept. He is not alone in this tough rejection.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In today's paper, I read your column about a woman whose 80-year-old mother calls her three times a day at work.

As someone who has recently overseen the care of three elderly family members, I think your suggestion to find local senior centers for the mother was a good start, but it may be missing the mark. If the mother forgets that she should not call during the day, that is a big sign. Often we are in denial about the decline of our parents for any number of reasons.

It is time for this mom to be assessed by a doctor and to receive help in moving to a senior living apartment (with meals and social amenities) or assisted living. Also, she should get power of attorney and health-care proxies in order.

Most people wait too long for this step and suffer needlessly with boredom, neglect or worse. Making the move or change while still somewhat cognizant is a huge benefit to all.

I wish I had moved my mother sooner. She now lives in a very nice assisted living home; I call her daily or more, and visit her at least weekly. There are more activities than she can ever attend, and she has made new friends among the residents and the staff. She is eating well, receives her medicines on time and is cared for and happy.

Please inform your reader that it is time to step up and check out her mom's situation. She will get peace of mind, and her mother will remain engaged, safe and happy.

Numerous resources are available to help people learn how to afford such care. In our area, Eldersource is a good resource. Some assisted living homes offer a limited number of Medicaid beds (get on the wait list), and Veterans Affairs offers Aid and Attendance to veterans and their spouses. -- Been There, Rochester, N.Y.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for your suggestions. The bottom line is that when we are lucky enough to have our elders in our lives, we are also responsible for paying attention to their needs.

One thing that younger people can do now in preparing for the future is to purchase long-term care insurance before they need it. For more information, visit aarphealthcare.com.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been interested in a guy for a while, but he was in a long-term relationship. The two of them recently broke up because they "grew apart." I want to ask him out, but I don't want to be insensitive, even though growing apart normally means they don't have romantic feelings for each other anymore. Is there a courtesy period I should wait before making a move? -- In the Wings, Philadelphia

DEAR IN THE WINGS: If you are interested in this man, reach out to him as a friend. Invite him out for coffee, making the overture as neutral as possible.

If he agrees, ask him how he is doing. I recommend that you tell him you are interested in dating him. You do not need to push for trying to date him today, but if you don't say something, there is a good chance he may come to look upon you as a friend. Once you get put into the platonic friend category, it can be incredibly difficult to move into the category of potential romantic partner.

You can tell him that you don't want to be insensitive, but that you do want him to know you care about him and would like to spend more time with him in the future, if he is interested.

The state of his heart will determine his reaction. You may find that he cannot handle another relationship right now. Or he may let you know that he is interested in you and would like to see how things unfold.

He also may indicate that he is not interested in dating you. Pay attention to how he responds and proceed accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I constantly go back and forth on whether I want to stay in a relationship with my girlfriend. She is younger than me, and we are in completely different places in our lives. I'm sometimes embarrassed about our age difference and make her sound older than she is to my friends.

Right now, we're in a good place, but that could end any minute. What should I do? -- Betwixt, Laredo, Texas

DEAR BETWIXT: Age can be an issue in a relationship, but it doesn't have to be.

Lying about your girlfriend's age and feeling so uncomfortable about the status of your bond will surely lead to a breakup, perhaps unnecessarily. So pause for a moment and review your relationship. What do you like about being with this woman, and what doesn't work? Do you believe you are compatible? Do you enjoy each other's company? Why are you so afraid the relationship will end at any moment?

You need to figure out where you stand -- and where your girlfriend stands. Talk it out together to see if you both want to give it a real try. If you cannot get past your apprehension, do yourself and her a favor and move on.