DEAR HARRIETTE: I learned the other day that my best friend from back home had an affair with my boyfriend from high school. Yes, this happened years ago, but still. How gross! It came up in conversation the other day when we were reminiscing. We have remained close for all these years, and I can't believe she would do that to me.

I am having all kinds of feelings about this, which I figure is stupid. We are in our 40s now. But I can't help but wonder if she has done other things to deceive me. How do I find out? -- Deceived, Saginaw, Mich.

DEAR DECEIVED: Because she is such a longtime friend, assume the positive. Ask your friend why she told you about the affair now. Tell her that her revelation has thrown you emotionally and that you are not yet steady. Ask if there is anything else she has kept from you that you should know. Be honest with her, and if you feel you need to have a little space from her, make that clear.

Then try your best to forgive her. No one can change the actions of the past. What you can do is align yourself with your friend and agree to put the past behind you -- that is, unless something else comes up that you have to address.

I would avoid asking questions about the affair. It is much wiser to live in the present if you want harmony in your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in an apartment building, and my next-door neighbor is so loud that I can hear him whenever he is in his apartment. The walls are thin in our building, and I think he doesn't have any carpeting. Plus, he keeps very different hours from me. He is keeping me up and driving me crazy.

How can I address his loudness? I don't want to upset him, but honestly, he is frustrating me to no end. -- On the Brink, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR ON THE BRINK: Start with a positive outlook. There is a good chance your neighbor does not realize how loud and disturbing he is, especially if you have not mentioned it to him.

Knock on his door and ask if you can chat for a minute. Then tell him that you are having trouble sleeping and getting any peace because you can hear his every move. Ask if he would be willing to help you by being more mindful of his noise levels.

Ask if he has carpeting, and if he does not, encourage him to put down a few rugs. Be as specific as you can about what might help you to be more comfortable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My assistant cannot find anything. I give her a task to complete that includes filing materials or simply putting things away. When I ask for them later, she looks around dumbfounded and never finds them. I then go to look for the items and, voila, there they are.

This is so frustrating. I have suggested systems that she can use, including labeling things so it's clear where they go, yet she never can find anything. When I interviewed her, I made it clear that organization was a big part of her job. She led me to believe she could do it.

We're at the three-month point. Do I keep her or cut my losses? -- At Wit's End, Washington, D.C.

DEAR AT WIT'S END: Evaluate your assistant on all that she does well and poorly. Be as thorough as possible regarding the tasks you need her to fulfill. If the pros outweigh the cons, keep her and continue to support her in improving her skills. If her skills do not meet your needs, let her go. Be sure to tell her why so that she can grow.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your column every day. Today it made my blood boil. It involved a reader who was complaining about moochers on government programs. You responded that no one should assume that someone -- parent, friend or the government -- will take care of them forever.

You are both ignorant about this matter. I have a problem with people who pump out kids and don't work and live off the government because they are lazy. I am dependent on the government, but I am not lazy, and I have no kids. I am 33 and disabled; I will never be independent. It's not my choice. It's my reality. I work two hours, four days a week. I'm trying to do what I can, but I will never be able to support myself. I am not going to get better, only worse.

Don't lump everyone who is dependent on government aid into one category. Some people choose not to support themselves. Others wish they could. There is a difference. -- Offended, Des Moines, Iowa

DEAR OFFENDED: The last thing I intended to do was to offend you or anyone else on government assistance.

The topic of government aid is debated often on many points, including the one you and the original writer made about "moochers." My position is fairly straightforward. I know there are well-meaning people who, for a variety of reasons, need and should receive government support to live. Like you, many such people are disabled or ill.

I also believe that no matter how great the need, nothing is promised forever. When governments have gone into economic crisis, cuts have occurred that imperiled people on public assistance. Even the most deserving may experience a loss of support through no fault of their own. That, in part, is what I was getting at in saying that nothing is promised forever.

What's great about your writing in to share your story is that someone may read it and see that there are decent, hard-working people out there who need and receive support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My fourth-grader is learning a lot about the history of our country, and this month the curriculum has been focused on segregation and the Jim Crow South. As he brings home the stories they are learning, I am happy to know that the school is taking this part of his education seriously. But I also have been upset by some of the stories of racial discrimination in our nation.

It's not that I didn't know about this stuff, but I hate that my child has to be exposed to some of these awful parts of our past at such a young age. How can I talk about this topic with my son without getting upset? -- Unsettled Mom, Ann Arbor, Mich.

DEAR UNSETTLED MOM: I do not think you should try to cover up your emotional reaction to the material your son is learning. Part of our history is painful, especially as it relates to discrimination.

Do not diminish the horror of the stories that your son is bringing home. Instead, let him recount to you what he has learned. If you are not fully up to speed on the stories, do research with him to learn more.

Ask your son to share his feelings about the information he is learning in class. Tell him how it makes you feel. Be as honest as you can. If you have personal stories that reflect discrimination, share one or two that will give your son insight into what you or your family have endured.

You also can ask his teacher for support. The teacher may have materials you can read or advice on how to address some of the topics that are coming up in regard to this curriculum.

Bottom line: This discussion is a great thing. To know our history is to be empowered. Be sure your son understands that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: How much is too much money to spend on a first date? I'm a college student, and I want to ask out my crush. I want to take her to a fancy restaurant and buy her a bouquet of roses, which I think is romantic. But my friend says that would be too expensive for a first date.

What do you think? Is there an appropriate amount of money to spend on a first date? -- Eager to Impress, Gallup, N.M.

DEAR EAGER TO IMPRESS: There is no set limit on how much to spend on a first date, other than that you should not break your bank. Rather than attempting to spend as much as you possibly can, though, get creative.

What do you like about this woman? What do you know about her preferences? Rather than selecting a fancy restaurant, pick one off the beaten path that reflects her personality.

Roses are nice, but is there another flower that better represents her personality? The more specific your choices are, the more successful you will likely be at wowing your crush.