DEAR HARRIETTE: I am teaching my children how to write and send thank-you cards for gifts they receive on occasions such as birthdays. One question came up that I did not know how to answer, so I wanted to ask you.

When a kid attends my son's birthday party but does not bring a gift, should my son send a card to thank that kid for coming to his party? What is the etiquette for that? -- Mom, Silver Spring, Md.

DEAR MOM: The kindest, most inclusive thing you can do is to write a thank-you note to each child who attended the party. Those who came bearing gifts should be thanked for their specific gifts. If a guest's gift was his or her presence, write a note that thanks him or her for being there and sharing the special time.

While etiquette does not require that you write that extra thank-you note, I recommend it, because it is being offered in the true spirit of gratitude. The gift of a person's company is more precious than a thing, even if the object given is expensive.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My roommate and I get along pretty well, but sometimes when he's stressed or in a bad mood, he takes it out on me. Recently, because my textbook for a class we share never came, I asked to borrow his textbook for a couple of hours. I didn't even take it out of the room, but he made it sound like he was making such a huge sacrifice by letting me borrow it.

How can I deal with his annoying moments? -- Frustrated Student, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR FRUSTRATED STUDENT: You are understandably sensitive about needing your textbook and not having it. That your roommate has the same book and that you asked to borrow it briefly makes logical sense. Where logic stops, in my estimation, is with your feeling that he is annoying because he is not as eager to let you borrow the book as you would like him to be.

People can be protective of their valuables. For a student, a textbook is at the top of the valuables list. Rather than assume that your roommate is being rude, mean or stressed out, consider that he may simply be reluctant to let anyone borrow his book, including you.

Rather than reacting negatively to him, be completely forthcoming. Acknowledge that you realize you are asking a lot to request borrowing his book. Tell him the status of your book, including when you expect to receive it. Suggest using his book when he is working on other assignments. If he remains highly irritated, go to the library and see if you can use a copy there until yours arrives.

Do your best not to get a chip on your shoulder about this. Your roommate may be temperamental. If so, you will need to figure out how to deal with him during those times. Work on setting boundaries that take both of your personalities into consideration.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I don't know where the years went. I used to be cute and thin and attractive, or so I thought. Now I look overweight and sad.

I guess I am kind of sad. My boyfriend left me a few months ago, and I feel bad. I don't know if this is a midlife crisis, like people talk about. All I know is I hate looking at myself, and I don't really like my life so much. I go to work and come home and don't do much else. I need to get out of this rut. -- In a Hole, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR IN A HOLE: You have mentioned several things that could lead to self-doubt. The aging process is real for everyone. It can be hard to accept that your body is changing in ways you don't like -- especially if you once were thin and now are not, and only now are realizing that it can be troublesome.

The great news is that you can do something about your weight. Step away from the mirror and into a gym, or even turn on an exercise program on TV. You will be amazed that moving your body can help you get fit and improve your mental outlook. It will not happen overnight, but it does work.

As far as the ex-boyfriend, it is important to mourn the loss of that relationship and move on. Remember what you appreciated about that bond, as well as what didn't work. Recall what you liked about yourself, then embrace those qualities. Reflect on what you liked and disliked about your boyfriend. The things you appreciated should be the qualities you look for in a potential new partner.

If you have any girlfriends to hang out with, make a date with them to go out and have a good time talking and laughing. Look for easy, fun opportunities to bring joy into your life.

Also, look for a therapist who can help you think through your state of mind and find some peace within yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I want to go on vacation, but my husband doesn't want to go anywhere. Every time I ask him, he shrugs it off and says he isn't leaving his house.

My girlfriends are going on a spa vacation for a long weekend, and I think that would be really fun. I want to go, but I'm afraid to mention it to my husband. How can I bring it up? -- Need a Vacation, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR NEED A VACATION: Your husband may be thrilled that you have a getaway option with your friends that will satisfy your thirst for travel without a commitment on his part. With excitement, tell him about the idea. He may surprise you and be happy about your plan.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother lost his wife more than 10 years ago, and still he regularly talks about her as if they were together yesterday. It used to be sweet, but now it seems weird. He is still young. My family thinks it would be healthy for him to meet someone and date again, but he hasn't dated at all since his wife died.

He doesn't seem to be in mourning. He works and does his daily duties, but he lives a lot in the past. He visits her grave every other weekend, and he is attached to her in a way that seems odd. How can we get him to snap out of it? -- Concerned Sibling, Chicago

DEAR CONCERNED SIBLING: Sometimes true love begins and ends with one relationship. It could be that your brother has enough love only for his deceased wife. He would not be the first person to have such an experience. There are countless stories of widows and widowers who pine for their spouses long after they are gone.

I knew an elderly man who lost his wife. He went to the cemetery every weekend to play his horn in honor of her life. Over time, he started to have female companions, but he was clear about where his heart belonged.

Your brother could be like that. He could also potentially benefit from professional support. A grief specialist may be able to help him see how he can honor his wife and live in the present. Do the research to find a counselor in your area. Encourage your brother to meet with him or her.

Know that ultimately, this is your brother's life. He may choose to stay in the shadows of his past. All you can do is introduce him to the idea that he can love his wife and still move on.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into an email argument with an official at my son's school, and I pushed back hard. While I was telling the truth, I know I reacted harshly.

I'm wondering if it's appropriate to apologize or if I should let it go. I have had other head-butting incidents with these people in the past, but usually I keep my cool. This time, I had had enough. I was so angry that I blew up. I know that is not the best way to communicate. -- Hot Head, Silver Spring, Md.

DEAR HOT HEAD: Trust your gut. If you think you were more intense than the moment required, say so. You can speak to the official in person or write a note that expresses your regret for coming on so strong.

Know that by apologizing for your tone, you are not necessarily apologizing for your message. It would be good to make that clear. Let the official know that you hope the core issue will be addressed in an expeditious manner AND that you are sorry you got so upset when delivering your message.