life

Don't Rush Family Introductions

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 16th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently turned 39. I really want to get married, and I'm looking to start dating again. I have some reservations because I have two young girls, and I think it may turn off some men if I talk about my girls on the first date.

When do you think it would be a good idea to introduce my girls to Mr. Right? -- Planning to Say I Do, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR PLANNING TO SAY I DO: You are way ahead of yourself. It is good to think ahead, but it is also important to have perspective.

You said you want to start dating again. That means Mr. Right is likely a long way off. Take things one step at a time. Date people whose values you share and who like children.

I think you should tell a first date that you are a single mom, because it's a huge part of who you are. Casual dates should remain just that -- out of the purview of your children. When you feel serious about someone you like and definitely think he is interesting and devoted enough to be a consistent friend, you can introduce him to your girls. Start off introducing him to them as your friend. If you can establish that you respect this person because he is a dear friend, they will have the space to look upon him kindly without wondering or worrying about whether he is going to take away their mother.

Organize "play dates" so they can see if they enjoy one another's company. In the end, if you decide you want to be in a relationship with this man, you will want the whole family to be compatible.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into a heated debate with the parent of one of my son's friends, and now I feel uncomfortable when I see this guy. We were talking politics, always a touchy subject, and we do not share the same views. Each of us expressed our opinions strongly, and we left in a huff. Now I see this guy at my son's school, and I'm not sure what to say. Can you help? -- Fiery, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR FIERY: Why not let the past stay in the past? When you see this parent, say hello. Shake hands or do whatever you used to do when you saw each other. It is perfectly normal for two people to have differing political views. There's nothing wrong with that.

If you think you were disrespectful to this man, you could apologize for the conversation getting so heated. If, however, you just think views were expressed amid tension that could be expected given the subject matter, let it go.

life

Spread the Word -- and the Music -- Using Social Media

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 15th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm an independent recording artist, and I need to hire a publicist to help get word out about my project. I was informed that it would cost $500 to $1,000 a month to hire a good publicist. I realize that I am not able to afford a publicist at this time. Can you suggest some cost-effective ways to get my music out to the masses? -- A Dollar and a Dream, Chicago

DEAR A DOLLAR AND A DREAM: First, I want to tell you that many publicists are much more expensive than the prices you were quoted. So, yes, a publicist is a real expense that you will likely need at some point. Until you can afford one, use social media to promote yourself.

Become a regular content provider on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram and other places where you can post images, videos and music samples. Make fliers that can be sent out virtually or printed and handed out physically.

Wherever you go, carry CDs that you can give away for promotional purposes. Sell them whenever you can, but be prepared to also give them away to build the buzz about your brand.

Read books about marketing and promotions to help you develop your strategy. When you do hire a publicist, you will have expertise to bring to the table about how your music appeals to particular audiences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter talks on her cellphone nonstop, and it's driving me crazy. I purchased an unlimited cellphone plan for my family, which consists of my husband, my daughter and me. I made the mistake of telling her that she has unlimited talking and texting on her cellphone. My daughter has not stopped talking since I informed her of the change. Help me, Harriette. -- Family Business, Newark, N.J.

DEAR FAMILY BUSINESS: I hear a chorus of parents chiming in on this one!

Before cellphones, teenagers talked on landlines all the time. Social activities and relationships dominate the teen years, so what you are describing is not unusual in any way.

That doesn't mean you can't enforce rules on phone use. Some families require that cellphones be put in a basket at the front door when family members come home. That reduces distractions from people outside of your house, and family members theoretically have more time to connect with one another -- although in the age of the Internet, people can definitely communicate without a phone.

Your goal is to carve out time for family interactions that are interesting enough that your teen will want to spend a little time with you. It's easier said than done, I know. But if you plan activities that you think your daughter will consider fun, you stand a chance of getting her to pause the cellphone usage at least a bit.

life

Take Time Today to Say 'I Love You'

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 14th, 2013

DEAR READERS: On this day that many consider the day of love, I want to do a bit of reflecting. I often get questions from readers who aren't sure how to approach Valentine's Day with their spouse, partner, friends or even ex. Often the discomfort centers on whether the person should buy something, which would require buying into a holiday that some consider manufactured.

I totally get that the marketing of Valentine's Day has become so huge that it can overpower the sentiment the holiday was designed to convey.

For me, Valentine's Day took on a whole new meaning when my father died in 1999. He had been ill for about a year. When he began to decline, I was scheduled to be on a multicity book tour. I wondered if I should go, and my mother sternly told me that I should. That's what my daddy would want. She said she would call me when it was time to come home, and I would just have to be ready to go immediately.

And so it went. I hopped from city to city until I got the call. I made the trek home to Baltimore from the Midwest and immediately went to the hospital to see my father. He was resting comfortably in his bed, and his eyes brightened when he saw my face. I shared with him all that was happening with my book, and his gaze told me that he was proud. As we prepared to leave, I told him that we would be back in the morning, and then I reminded him that the next day was Valentine's Day. My father's face instantly took on a pained expression. He was no longer peaceful. He was upset.

Little did any of us know that he would not be with us that next day. My daddy, the Honorable Harry A. Cole, was born on New Year's Day and died on Valentine's Day. Though he lived a full life that continues to make my family proud, his seemingly untimely death gave Valentine's Day new perspective for us all. Suddenly, Love Day represented the loss of love. In the early years after his death when we would near the day, rather than envisioning a big red heart, we would be filled with sadness. It seemed more like a bleeding heart.

Now that many years have passed, so has that perspective. We can choose to remember the love that we had for our father as we cherish years of memories. My sister Stephanie believes that Daddy waited for me to come to say goodbye before he allowed himself to go. He didn't realize that he would be letting go on Love Day.

In an odd way, his passing has made us have more reverence for this hallowed day. When you realize that your loved ones will not always be here, it makes it easier to remember to show them your love when they are. As I remember my father on this special day, I also will be actively connecting with my family, friends and others who matter to me to remind them that I love them. I hope that you will do the same.

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