DEAR READERS: On this day that many consider the day of love, I want to do a bit of reflecting. I often get questions from readers who aren't sure how to approach Valentine's Day with their spouse, partner, friends or even ex. Often the discomfort centers on whether the person should buy something, which would require buying into a holiday that some consider manufactured.

I totally get that the marketing of Valentine's Day has become so huge that it can overpower the sentiment the holiday was designed to convey.

For me, Valentine's Day took on a whole new meaning when my father died in 1999. He had been ill for about a year. When he began to decline, I was scheduled to be on a multicity book tour. I wondered if I should go, and my mother sternly told me that I should. That's what my daddy would want. She said she would call me when it was time to come home, and I would just have to be ready to go immediately.

And so it went. I hopped from city to city until I got the call. I made the trek home to Baltimore from the Midwest and immediately went to the hospital to see my father. He was resting comfortably in his bed, and his eyes brightened when he saw my face. I shared with him all that was happening with my book, and his gaze told me that he was proud. As we prepared to leave, I told him that we would be back in the morning, and then I reminded him that the next day was Valentine's Day. My father's face instantly took on a pained expression. He was no longer peaceful. He was upset.

Little did any of us know that he would not be with us that next day. My daddy, the Honorable Harry A. Cole, was born on New Year's Day and died on Valentine's Day. Though he lived a full life that continues to make my family proud, his seemingly untimely death gave Valentine's Day new perspective for us all. Suddenly, Love Day represented the loss of love. In the early years after his death when we would near the day, rather than envisioning a big red heart, we would be filled with sadness. It seemed more like a bleeding heart.

Now that many years have passed, so has that perspective. We can choose to remember the love that we had for our father as we cherish years of memories. My sister Stephanie believes that Daddy waited for me to come to say goodbye before he allowed himself to go. He didn't realize that he would be letting go on Love Day.

In an odd way, his passing has made us have more reverence for this hallowed day. When you realize that your loved ones will not always be here, it makes it easier to remember to show them your love when they are. As I remember my father on this special day, I also will be actively connecting with my family, friends and others who matter to me to remind them that I love them. I hope that you will do the same.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family, with their three teenagers, came to visit recently. I am almost certain that one of them stole some of my clothes. The girls were trying things on one day when we were playing around. I let one of them wear a jacket of mine, and another borrowed a pair of pants one day. They gave them back and I washed them, so it was clear that I wasn't giving them away. But several clothing items, things they tried on, are missing.

I have looked everywhere, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to accuse them of stealing. How can I inquire about the whereabouts of my things without causing a stir? -- Missing My Stuff, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR MISSING MY STUFF: Before you say anything, scour your home once more to see if you can find the clothing. Look under the bed, behind the sofa, near where the teenagers slept, in the back of your closet. Do a thorough search to be sure you do not have these things yourself.

If you do not, I vote for the direct question. Call the teens and explain that you cannot find the items in question anywhere. Be specific about which clothes you are missing, and remind them of the time they tried them on. Ask if they have the items. Tell them you are wondering if perhaps they inadvertently picked them up.

Speak directly to the teens, but also let their parents know of your concern. Ask the parents to follow up to see if your clothes are actually in their house.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband grew up with all boys. Ever since we first got together, I have been carefully pointing out things that girls appreciate. Among them is taking a shower before getting in bed. He is not enthusiastic about that at all. He says, "What difference does it make?"

I give him a list that ends up sounding like I am badgering him. I don't want to be a nuisance. But I do want my husband to be clean when I cuddle up next to him at night.

How can I get that across to him? He has a physically demanding job and rarely smells fresh at the end of the day. -- Looking for Mr. Clean, Atlanta

DEAR LOOKING FOR MR. CLEAN: Make the idea of taking a shower before bed more appealing by offering to share the shower! If you can spice it up by making the action seem like fun and by attaching a potential reward to the simple action, you may get much better results.

You can also gently tell him that you want to snuggle with him, and it would be so much better if he were fresh and clean for you. Ask him to rinse off the residue of the day and make himself ready. Since this is new, it may take some time to get him into a pattern of cleanliness, but it's worth the effort.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 80-year-old mother is in good physical health, which is a blessing. She stays in close touch with my brother and me. But that is sort of the problem.

She lives alone, and I think she's lonely and bored. She calls me at least three times a day, including when I am at work. She doesn't like it when I cannot take her calls. I try to explain to her that it's best for me to talk after work, but she doesn't remember.

I am at my wit's end. I can't talk to my mother every few minutes. How do I tell her this without hurting her feelings? -- No Time to Chat, Washington, D.C.

DEAR NO TIME TO CHAT: It's a blessing that you have your mother. She is probably calling you because she doesn't have anything else to do. Since she is in good health and seemingly bored, why not do some research and figure out activities that might interest her? Helping her get involved in daytime activities would be more constructive than reprimanding her.

There may be a local senior center that offers day programs for senior citizens. Many of these programs include art, computer, dance and even culinary classes. Ask your mother if you can sign her up for one. Then when you do talk, the conversation will be that much more interesting!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend called me out of the blue. He said he was in town, and he wanted to know if we could get together. We broke up four years ago, and I hadn't heard from him since. Now he's coming back like I want to talk to him.

I feel uneasy about this. I loved him, and he really hurt my feelings. What if he does something that will hurt me again? Should I not return his calls? Should I see him? Or should I just act like I didn't hear from him? -- Cautious, Salt Lake City

DEAR CAUTIOUS: Will you obsess over him if you do not respond? I think that is the real question.

It sounds as if you've jumped back on the emotional roller coaster that you rode at the end of your relationship. Step off and observe the situation. Why are you feeling so distraught? What do you want from this man, if anything? What are you hoping for?

If you think you can be grounded when you speak to him, start with a call. Ask what he wants to meet about. Press him for context. If you think you can manage a face-to-face meeting, suggest a public location and go for it. But don't make it a reunion meeting. Your goal should be finding out what's on his mind. If he seems vague, press him for why he has reappeared at this time.

Avoid confronting him about his past behavior, at least at first. Listen. Based upon what he says, you will know what your next steps should be. Don't presume to know the nature of his communication. Let him tell you.