life

It's Time to Mend Fence With Terminally Ill Sister

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 4th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: Two weeks ago, my sister became really sick and was rushed to the hospital. Another sister and I went to visit her. The doctor told us that she had not spoken in five days and that her organs were slowly beginning to fail. The doctor told us it is only a matter of time before she passes away.

I almost fainted when I heard the news, because I'm still recovering from our mother's sudden passing. I'm hurt, because my sister and I have not had the best relationship over the years, and I wish it were better. In the meantime, how can I make peace with my sister before she dies? -- Brokenhearted, Chicago

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: As long as your sister is alive, you can talk to her with the intention of healing your wounds.

Spend as much time as you can by her side. Tell her that you love her and that you are so sad she has become ill. Apologize for anything you may have said or done over the years that could have been hurtful. Let her know that you forgive her for anything she may have said or done. Pray for the ability to fully forgive her and to heal your relationship.

This does not mean that you will miraculously be freed of old wounds or memories, but you do have the opportunity, while she is still alive, to choose to release things from your past.

Even if your sister does not respond, continue to talk to her. Tell her stories of joyful experiences in your life. Fill her in on whatever you think may soothe her during this difficult time. And be sure to talk to your other sister, too, so that you can strengthen that bond as this one comes to a close.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently got a job with a theater company that scheduled me to work once a month. My manager sent out an email a few days ago, asking about our availability for the upcoming month. I told my manager I could not work a particular weekend because I had a prior engagement. To my surprise, I received an email from the general manager saying they're taking me off of the work schedule.

I'm taken aback by the email, because the company has me working on a very limited schedule. How should I address this sudden change with the general manager? -- Part-Timer, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR PART-TIMER: If possible, have a personal conversation with your manager first, then the general manager. Reiterate your interest in working at the company. If you have asked in the past about increasing your hours, remind them of this. Explain that you will do your best to be available, even though that one weekend was previously booked.

Speaking up and addressing your bosses directly should at least show them your sincerity and interest in working for them.

life

Bickering Makes Marriage Feel Like a Sham

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 2nd, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into a huge argument with my husband last week over stupid stuff. I feel like we argue every five minutes about something. I am so sick of him. We have been married about 10 years, and I'm beginning to feel that it isn't worth it. If everything is negative, what's the point?

This time it is so crazy because we were arguing about going on vacation. I had one idea, and he had another. I introduced the idea to see if a change of pace might do us some good. Even that blew up on me.

I'm nearly ready to pack my bags and jet. But that feels cowardly. This has to stop. What can I do? -- On the Brink, San Francisco

DEAR ON THE BRINK: Too bad you argued about a vacation. Taking time away from the rigors of your life can be restorative for couples who are having marital difficulties.

Do you think you can revisit the idea of a vacation from a more neutral frame of reference? Go back to your husband and ask if he is willing to broach the topic again. If so, do your best to select an activity that you both will enjoy.

If you cannot find a way to have that discussion, it's surely time for another one. It could start with a frank conversation where, during a sober, quiet moment, you ask your husband what he wants and if that still includes being married to you. Be prepared to admit that you are questioning whether the two of you should stay together. If you can speak openly and honestly about how you feel about your relationship, you may be able to begin a real discussion that evaluates your life together.

Getting a counselor to help both of you navigate next steps is also advisable. You may be able to learn how to speak more diplomatically and respectfully to each other, which can be amazingly helpful in supporting a relationship. Figure out what your triggers are and how you can look at them differently. Then revisit whether you think you can work together or need to separate.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have done something that I absolutely hate when it is done to me. I have been really busy, and during this time, a few of my good friends have called or emailed several times and I literally forgot to respond to them. It really isn't because I don't love them. The truth is, I have too much on my plate.

I get that it's my responsibility to stay in touch with my friends, but I haven't been doing a good enough job. How can I repair our friendships? I know their feelings are hurt. -- Too Busy, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR TOO BUSY: Start with a sincere apology. Check in with each friend individually, saying that you miss and love him or her and are terribly sorry for not being more responsive. Don't go into details about what has been distracting you. Offer to be more attentive in the future and then do your best to honor your pledge.

life

Just Say 'No' to Sleazy Friend Requests

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 1st, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have begun to get weird friend requests on Facebook that I think are kind of creepy. I keep my communication there on the up-and-up, but I just got about 10 requests from women who are dressed like hookers. Well, that could be an exaggeration. One had on only a bra. Another had a close-up breast shot. Others are holding onto poles and stuff. Really gross.

I have no idea why these people are trying to friend me, but I find it disgusting. What can I do? Is this considered spam? -- Grossed Out, Shreveport, La.

DEAR GROSSED OUT: You may have accepted a friend request from someone who was friends with one or more of these people. Often that precipitates a stream of requests from unknown people.

What's great about Facebook is that you absolutely do not have to accept any of these people as friends. You can say "no" to them when they request friendship and delete their requests.

I'm sorry that you have to even see their photos. You can write to Facebook and report someone you believe is behaving inappropriately. In this case, though, it seems that simply not friending them is enough. How they choose to dress may not be to your liking, but although what you described is perhaps in bad taste, it is not illegal.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The woman who sits at a cubicle across from me is unhygienic, in my opinion. She picks her nose and then uses the telephone without ever cleaning her hands or the instrument. She picks her teeth and leaves her used dental floss on her desk. Then she wants to come into my space and touch things. I don't want her hands on anything that I touch. Even when she goes to the bathroom, at least when I have been in there with her, she doesn't wash her hands. Who can imagine that kind of behavior in these days and times?

What can I say to her that won't seem rude but lets her know she can't cross the invisible line of my area unless she cleans herself up? -- Cleanliness Crusader, Jacksonville, Fla.

DEAR CLEANLINESS CRUSADER: You have to state the obvious; otherwise, your office mate will never pick up on your cues. For whatever reason, she doesn't realize her behavior is unhygienic. She is oblivious to how her actions can make the environment unsafe for others.

When no one else is around, tell her that you have noticed things she does that concern you. Run down the list. Tell her that especially now, during flu season, you do not want to catch any illnesses. Implore her to clean up her desk area, sanitize it and wash her hands when she uses the restroom.

She will likely be embarrassed and even angry, but at least you will have said it. If she does not comply, ask her to stay out of your work area. You may have to remind her from time to time.

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