life

Just Say 'No' to Sleazy Friend Requests

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 1st, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have begun to get weird friend requests on Facebook that I think are kind of creepy. I keep my communication there on the up-and-up, but I just got about 10 requests from women who are dressed like hookers. Well, that could be an exaggeration. One had on only a bra. Another had a close-up breast shot. Others are holding onto poles and stuff. Really gross.

I have no idea why these people are trying to friend me, but I find it disgusting. What can I do? Is this considered spam? -- Grossed Out, Shreveport, La.

DEAR GROSSED OUT: You may have accepted a friend request from someone who was friends with one or more of these people. Often that precipitates a stream of requests from unknown people.

What's great about Facebook is that you absolutely do not have to accept any of these people as friends. You can say "no" to them when they request friendship and delete their requests.

I'm sorry that you have to even see their photos. You can write to Facebook and report someone you believe is behaving inappropriately. In this case, though, it seems that simply not friending them is enough. How they choose to dress may not be to your liking, but although what you described is perhaps in bad taste, it is not illegal.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The woman who sits at a cubicle across from me is unhygienic, in my opinion. She picks her nose and then uses the telephone without ever cleaning her hands or the instrument. She picks her teeth and leaves her used dental floss on her desk. Then she wants to come into my space and touch things. I don't want her hands on anything that I touch. Even when she goes to the bathroom, at least when I have been in there with her, she doesn't wash her hands. Who can imagine that kind of behavior in these days and times?

What can I say to her that won't seem rude but lets her know she can't cross the invisible line of my area unless she cleans herself up? -- Cleanliness Crusader, Jacksonville, Fla.

DEAR CLEANLINESS CRUSADER: You have to state the obvious; otherwise, your office mate will never pick up on your cues. For whatever reason, she doesn't realize her behavior is unhygienic. She is oblivious to how her actions can make the environment unsafe for others.

When no one else is around, tell her that you have noticed things she does that concern you. Run down the list. Tell her that especially now, during flu season, you do not want to catch any illnesses. Implore her to clean up her desk area, sanitize it and wash her hands when she uses the restroom.

She will likely be embarrassed and even angry, but at least you will have said it. If she does not comply, ask her to stay out of your work area. You may have to remind her from time to time.

life

Tennis Can Serve Up Good Health

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 31st, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is going to be 9 years old in two months, and I would like for her to start playing tennis. I found a junior tennis program that's only $20 a year, which I think is a great price. I hope my daughter would like playing tennis, because it's a great way to stay in shape.

Do you think it's too early to introduce her to organized sports? -- Tennis Mom, West Orange, N.J.

DEAR TENNIS MOM: Boy, did you luck out! To find a tennis program at that price is unheard of. Check to make sure that it is legitimate. Ask about the structure of the program, the ages of the other children and the expectations.

As far as a 9-year-old starting tennis, that is no problem. Some children start tennis lessons at a very young age. Tiger Woods was little more than a toddler when he started, and look how far he has taken the sport. Tennis is a great sport to help keep a body in shape. It teaches many other skills as well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She is really cool, but I am concerned about her. Since her breakup, she does not want to go home, and this behavior has become exhausting for me. She wants to go out all the time, and lately I have extended my train ride home because I don't want to see her depressed.

I love my friend, but she is wearing me out. What can I do to help her speed up the depression process? -- Girlfriend to the End, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR GIRLFRIEND TO THE END: Guess what? One way you can prove what a great friend you are is to draw the line.

Your friend may not be facing reality right now, which is why she wants to hang out all the time. Being at home alone can be tough right after a breakup.

You may be able to help her by saying no to the incessant outings. Tell her that you have to curb your extracurricular activities. Invite her to your home for dinner or a movie. If you are up for it, invite her to spend the night. You two can talk rather than party.

If she is unable to shake her emotional distress on her own, suggest that she get counseling. Many people go for short-term emotional support after breaking up with a partner. She can learn tools that will help her cope with what happened and examine what her role in the breakup might have been. Does she have any idea of what she may be able to do differently in her next relationship? It would be wonderful for her to process this with support so she can be mentally healthy when the next beau comes around.

life

Friend Is Stingy With His Thank-Yous

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 30th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend asked me to do a huge favor for him, and, as usual, I did it right away. Did he send me a thank-you note or even pick up the phone to call? Exactly. I am so miffed. He could at least have acknowledged that I did what he asked. How do I address this without blowing up? -- Hurt, Westchester, N.Y.

DEAR HURT: Wait until you calm down. It is not wise to scold anyone when you are upset.

Once you have cooled off, reach out to your friend and tell him that you did what he asked and that you are not happy he failed to complete the circle. He likely will apologize at that point, for whatever that will be worth after the fact.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read the response about hospice from "Compassionate Nurse," and, as a hospice volunteer for more than 15 years, I would like to add some thoughts.

First, I want to say that the nurses, in my opinion, are the angels of palliative care and hospice services. They deal with the patients day in and day out and can give the families the most accurate information about their loved ones.

To me, the essence of hospice care is the support and compassion the system gives to the patients and families. I believe that most people think death is an event. This is true when one dies of a heart attack, brain aneurysm, etc. Otherwise, death is a process over time, and this is where hospice can guide the family and loved ones.

Hospice is there to give as much support as requested, including emotional support, answers to questions and medical equipment for comfort. Remember that hospice care can be in the home or at a hospice facility.

The person in need has many choices today. There are for-profit and nonprofit palliative and hospice care organizations. I belong to a nonprofit one, which by state law must have at least 5 percent volunteer participation to keep its status. I am not saying one is better than the other, but I am suggesting that people contact more than one in order to obtain the best care for the person in need.

Another important aspect of hospice is the bereavement support most offer after the loved one has passed on. The survivors learn and experience that there is no wrong way to grieve and that to be human is to grieve. The pain of the loss never goes away; one just learns to manage it better. -- Hospice Volunteer, Chicago

DEAR HOSPICE VOLUNTEER: Thank you for adding your insight to this conversation. I believe many readers and I have learned a lot about the role of hospice and palliative care, thanks to the many people who have written to me to clarify what actually happens during this tender time in a family's life.

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