life

Tennis Can Serve Up Good Health

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 31st, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is going to be 9 years old in two months, and I would like for her to start playing tennis. I found a junior tennis program that's only $20 a year, which I think is a great price. I hope my daughter would like playing tennis, because it's a great way to stay in shape.

Do you think it's too early to introduce her to organized sports? -- Tennis Mom, West Orange, N.J.

DEAR TENNIS MOM: Boy, did you luck out! To find a tennis program at that price is unheard of. Check to make sure that it is legitimate. Ask about the structure of the program, the ages of the other children and the expectations.

As far as a 9-year-old starting tennis, that is no problem. Some children start tennis lessons at a very young age. Tiger Woods was little more than a toddler when he started, and look how far he has taken the sport. Tennis is a great sport to help keep a body in shape. It teaches many other skills as well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She is really cool, but I am concerned about her. Since her breakup, she does not want to go home, and this behavior has become exhausting for me. She wants to go out all the time, and lately I have extended my train ride home because I don't want to see her depressed.

I love my friend, but she is wearing me out. What can I do to help her speed up the depression process? -- Girlfriend to the End, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR GIRLFRIEND TO THE END: Guess what? One way you can prove what a great friend you are is to draw the line.

Your friend may not be facing reality right now, which is why she wants to hang out all the time. Being at home alone can be tough right after a breakup.

You may be able to help her by saying no to the incessant outings. Tell her that you have to curb your extracurricular activities. Invite her to your home for dinner or a movie. If you are up for it, invite her to spend the night. You two can talk rather than party.

If she is unable to shake her emotional distress on her own, suggest that she get counseling. Many people go for short-term emotional support after breaking up with a partner. She can learn tools that will help her cope with what happened and examine what her role in the breakup might have been. Does she have any idea of what she may be able to do differently in her next relationship? It would be wonderful for her to process this with support so she can be mentally healthy when the next beau comes around.

life

Friend Is Stingy With His Thank-Yous

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 30th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend asked me to do a huge favor for him, and, as usual, I did it right away. Did he send me a thank-you note or even pick up the phone to call? Exactly. I am so miffed. He could at least have acknowledged that I did what he asked. How do I address this without blowing up? -- Hurt, Westchester, N.Y.

DEAR HURT: Wait until you calm down. It is not wise to scold anyone when you are upset.

Once you have cooled off, reach out to your friend and tell him that you did what he asked and that you are not happy he failed to complete the circle. He likely will apologize at that point, for whatever that will be worth after the fact.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read the response about hospice from "Compassionate Nurse," and, as a hospice volunteer for more than 15 years, I would like to add some thoughts.

First, I want to say that the nurses, in my opinion, are the angels of palliative care and hospice services. They deal with the patients day in and day out and can give the families the most accurate information about their loved ones.

To me, the essence of hospice care is the support and compassion the system gives to the patients and families. I believe that most people think death is an event. This is true when one dies of a heart attack, brain aneurysm, etc. Otherwise, death is a process over time, and this is where hospice can guide the family and loved ones.

Hospice is there to give as much support as requested, including emotional support, answers to questions and medical equipment for comfort. Remember that hospice care can be in the home or at a hospice facility.

The person in need has many choices today. There are for-profit and nonprofit palliative and hospice care organizations. I belong to a nonprofit one, which by state law must have at least 5 percent volunteer participation to keep its status. I am not saying one is better than the other, but I am suggesting that people contact more than one in order to obtain the best care for the person in need.

Another important aspect of hospice is the bereavement support most offer after the loved one has passed on. The survivors learn and experience that there is no wrong way to grieve and that to be human is to grieve. The pain of the loss never goes away; one just learns to manage it better. -- Hospice Volunteer, Chicago

DEAR HOSPICE VOLUNTEER: Thank you for adding your insight to this conversation. I believe many readers and I have learned a lot about the role of hospice and palliative care, thanks to the many people who have written to me to clarify what actually happens during this tender time in a family's life.

life

How Often Should a Grown Child Phone Home?

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 29th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend talks to her mother and siblings on the phone once a day, if not more. She lives in a different town from them.

I also live in a different town from my mom. I talk to her, but definitely not every day -- more like once a week. Sometimes even more time passes. I don't think I am neglecting my mom, but my friend keeps telling me that I don't call her enough. My take is that we are different, and our families have different expectations. But my friend talks about it so much that I am beginning to feel guilty. What do you think? -- Not So Chatty, Seattle

DEAR NOT SO CHATTY: As you said, you and your friend are different people with different families and, likely, different expectations.

That said, your friend could have a point. It could be true that your mother misses you or needs to hear your voice.

Why don't you check in with your mother to see how she feels? Call and ask how she's doing. Make sure she is in a positive frame of mind. Then tell her about your best friend's comment and ask for her opinion. She may welcome more frequent calls or be perfectly comfortable with your current rhythm.

Personally speaking, I have two sisters who typically talk to my mother more than I do. In recent years, though, I have started calling my mother more often, and she has thanked me for being in closer touch. I have been much more attentive than I was in the past.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My aunt has asked me to help her go back to college. She is 60 years old, and she is planning to get an associate's degree in nursing.

I'm happy to help my aunt, but here's my dilemma: I need to find the time to walk her through the application process in person rather than over the phone. I recently went back to college, and my free time is limited. How can I best help my aunt? -- Lending a Hand, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR LENDING A HAND: Ask your aunt what her deadline is for completing her application. Review your schedule to see when you have an hour or more of free time before the deadline. Schedule a face-to-face meeting with your aunt, and let her know in advance that you want the two of you to concentrate on getting the application completed at that meeting.

You may have inspired your aunt to go back to college. Continue to encourage her. Let her know how rigorous you are finding the process to be. She will need to step into the academic rhythm in order for it to work for her.

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