life

Don't Pussyfoot Around Uncle's Bad News

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 19th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My uncle is a local businessman who has had some bad breaks recently. A local blogger just wrote a scathing article about his business practices, and it is making its way all over our community.

I feel so bad for my uncle. He is a good man who didn't mean to mess up like he did. I figure he must be pretty embarrassed. What can I do to make him feel better? Should I pretend like I don't know about the blog post, or should I say something? -- Uncle Supporter, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR UNCLE SUPPORTER: Sometimes not addressing the elephant in the room just makes it more uncomfortable. The best thing you can do is to visit your uncle, give him a big hug, and tell him you love him and are so sorry that the blogger wrote such a horrible article about him.

By stating the obvious, it no longer has to be a source of tension. You need not ask your uncle about his business practices or the article. If he wants to talk about any of it, he will. What he will appreciate most from you is your loving support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently ran into a woman I met many years ago. She was with a former employee of mine -- a nut job whom I had to fire. Every time I have seen the former employee over the years, it has been weird. She is dishonest and seems to be mentally unstable.

The other woman, however, seems nice, and she wants us to reconnect. I asked if she and my former employee are still friends, and she said they talk now and then.

I don't want to be in my former employee's life. Should I just walk away from this nice woman, too? -- Choosey Friend, Baton Rouge, La.

DEAR CHOOSEY FRIEND: Be honest with this potential new friend. Tell her that you would be happy to reconnect with her but that you have no interest in a relationship with your former employee. By establishing your terms clearly, she can react to them and respond. And remember: Just because she stays in touch with your former employee does not mean that you would automatically find yourself in her company.

Instead of dredging up all your memories from the past, stay in the present. Have tea with this woman. Find out if you have any current shared interests on which to develop a friendship. In that way, you will be able to tell if this was simply a pleasant momentary reconnection or a budding friendship.

life

Hospice Is Not Limited to the Final Days

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 18th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I enjoy your column almost every morning in the Chicago Tribune. I find your advice on target, supportive, realistic and straightforward.

I'm writing in response to your comment that hospice care usually indicates someone is in the last weeks or days of life. Unfortunately, you are correct that people often seek hospice services when death is imminent. This is a tragedy, because hospice services are available (and paid for by Medicare and other payers) to individuals who have life-limiting illness and may not survive beyond six months.

The American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine (aahpm.org) and the Hospice and Palliative Nurses Association (hpna.org) work hard to change the public perception that the benefits of hospice and palliative care are limited to the last weeks and days of life. In fact, these professional organizations encourage physicians and other health-care providers to introduce palliative care at the time of a life-limiting diagnosis. Hospice and palliative care offer symptom relief and support for quality of life when cure-oriented health-care services are no longer effective or desired.

Although my nursing specialty is not hospice and palliative care, I have been privileged to serve on the National Board for Certification of Hospice and Palliative Nurses since 2008 and complete my second and final term in 2013. During this time, I have learned so much about these valuable services and the dedicated professionals who provide them. Persons with life-limiting illnesses suffer needlessly because of the perception that hospice care means giving up hope and is reserved for the last hours of life.

Please acknowledge in your column that palliative and hospice services provide great comfort to individuals with life-limiting illnesses and their families and that they can access these services long before their final hours. An additional resource: getpalliativecare.org. -- Compassionate Nurse, Chicago

DEAR COMPASSIONATE NURSE: Your voice represents many who have written me to clarify the role and timeline associated with hospice care. I want to thank all of you for your input.

It is true that many people consider hospice as the last stop, as it often is. But, as you and others have pointed out, although it can be a vital support for families during a loved one's final days, hospice also can be a much longer-term experience than a few days or weeks.

Another point about hospice that some may not know is that this service is offered at a variety of facilities and also at home. I want to apologize for painting an incomplete picture of this vital service. I appreciate your clarifying comments.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When someone dies, it used to be traditional for people to give their family money in an envelope to help defray the costs. Is this still an acceptable practice? A co-worker's mother recently passed away, and I wasn't sure if it was in good taste to do that. -- Death Etiquette, Salt Lake City

DEAR DEATH ETIQUETTE: Yes, it is still common practice in some areas, especially in the South, to put cash in an envelope with a condolence card when someone dies. Amounts vary from as little as $10 to whatever one can afford. It is not a requirement, however.

If you think your co-worker would appreciate this gesture, go for it. If you think it could cause discomfort, give the card and flowers or a contribution to a charity of choice.

life

Studying Is Job One in College

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 17th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently turned 40, and I have decided to go back to college to finish my degree. I can truly say that I have saved my life.

Here's my question: I'm taking 16 credits, and I know it is a lot since I haven't been in school in almost 20 years. I would like to know if it is possible to create a healthy balance of college and a simple social life and, if so, how? -- Mr. Midlife, Chicago

DEAR MR. MIDLIFE: Congratulations on making such a huge effort to reset your life's course!

I recommend that you do what most successful freshmen do: Focus solely on your studies. Sixteen credits will be a lot of work -- work that is different from that performed at most jobs. You have to go to class, study, write papers and be evaluated on your work constantly.

For your first semester and possibly longer, put your social life on hold. If you go to church or have another regular spiritual commitment, you can do that, but don't volunteer for extra activities.

Look at your class schedule and mark the holidays. You can socialize during spring break and any other time when your school is not in session.

After you get a sense of how you are managing your course load, you can gradually add a few simple activities.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This is my first week in a new job at a prestigious hospital in New York City, and I feel uncomfortable wearing my current wardrobe to work. In my management role, I do not have to wear a uniform.

Here's my problem: I'm a size 16. I wear a size 11 in women's shoes, and I am curvy. Can you suggest colors and designer lines that would be suitable for me to wear? -- Fashion Plus, Manhattan, N.Y.

DEAR FASHION PLUS: It's wonderful that you have a new job and want to look your best.

There are many options for professional plus-size fashion these days, and at virtually every price point. Nearly every major designer has a plus line, not to mention the traditional plus-size companies.

Don't be limited by color other than what seems appropriate where you work. Being large does not preclude you from wearing colorful or printed clothing. And, by the way, your size in clothing and shoes is more common than you may think.

It sounds like your current style is a big part of your challenge. You may want to engage the help of a personal shopper or stylist. Many department stores have them on staff at no extra charge. By all means, have someone give you feedback about the different outfits you try on so that you find silhouettes that flatter your curvy figure. If necessary, have your clothing altered to ensure that it fits your curves just right. Good luck!

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