life

On Thank-You Notes, It's Better Late Than Never

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 15th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: Is it ever too late to send a thank-you note? My kid got lots of cool presents for his birthday. I sent a blanket note of thanks through the online invitation we sent out, but when my kid started writing notes, we all got distracted.

Can we jump back on it? Is it still OK a couple of months later? -- Neglectful Mom, Washington, D.C.

DEAR NEGLECTFUL MOM: Stop beating yourself up and pick up the pen. Sit down with your child and complete your list of thank-you notes.

To answer your question, it's never too late to say "thank you." These days, it is acceptable to send thank-you notes via your online invitation service, although it is nowhere near as personal and engaging as handwritten notes sent by regular mail.

I feel like this act of etiquette is becoming a rare art form. Imagine how heartwarming it is when someone receives a note of gratitude via any mode of communication!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a lot of presents for the holiday, most of them things I don't want. What's fantastic is that they came with gift receipts. I can take them back if I want, and what I want most is the money. I'm short on cash but long on stuff.

Do you think the people who gave me the presents would be offended if I simply cashed in their gifts? I suppose I don't have to tell them, but what if they ask? Do I tell the truth? I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. -- Gifted, Shreveport, La.

DEAR GIFTED: Anybody who gave you a present with a gift receipt in it meant for you to have the option of keeping the item or returning it. You should not feel that you are in any way betraying the sentiment behind the gift by returning it for cash.

I encourage you to send thank-you notes for all your gifts. If you return one, there is no need to state that in the note. Instead, express gratitude for the giver's thoughtfulness and for remembering you during the season.

If asked how you liked the gift, you can say that you thought it was lovely but that you returned it because you wanted to pool your resources to do something else. Express your gratitude for the opportunity to do that with this person's gift.

If asked what you did with the money, respond truthfully. If you bought something else, say so. If you paid your phone bill or rent, say that. If you put it in the bank, say that. By revealing what you actually did with their gift, you will provide insight for the givers in the future. Being coy, shy or unresponsive when asked what you did will only make you and the other person feel awkward, which is totally unnecessary.

life

Student Needs More Than a Writing Critique

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 14th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: A student of mine (a 10th-grader) brought me a paper he wrote over the holidays. He was eager for me to read it in his presence, which is not usually my practice. But I read it, as he seemed intent upon getting my opinion on the spot.

What I read was disturbing. This young man seems to have had some kind of psychological breakdown. I am no expert on the matter, but in his writing, he states that he eventually went to a psychiatrist, who told the student and his mother that he has a specific mental condition.

He wants to publish something about his experience. This may eventually be a good idea, but the work he presented is not ready for publication. I didn't know what to say to him, so I referred him to an editor friend. I realize this was probably unfair, as I gave my friend no warning about what he would be responding to.

I don't think I handled this well. I don't want to hurt this young man's feelings, and I don't want to put a friend in an awkward situation. What can I do now? --Perplexed, Seattle

DEAR PERPLEXED: You are right that you should not have referred your student to your editor friend without an advance conversation. It's not too late to fix that.

Call your friend and explain what you know about this student's situation. Ask for his professional opinion about the literary value of the work in question. Is there a chance your student could be published with a few tweaks, or does much more work need to be done? Your friend may even be able to give constructive suggestions to this student without being too critical, based upon his emotional state.

You also should talk to the student about his experience. Ask how he's doing now and if he is getting the support he needs. Tell him you would like to support him further by talking to his parents and introducing him to the school counselor, if they don't already have a relationship. Be proactive by leading him back to his family, possibly to talk to them about the story if he is comfortable sharing it with them.

The fact that he wrote down and wants to share what he has been going through is fantastic. That means he is not ashamed. Help him to communicate further about what's happening to him in safe spaces -- at home and/or with a professional counselor or his primary care physician. Do not try to be his psychiatrist. Leave that to someone who is trained for that purpose.

For more information on the types of mental illness often identified in teens, read aacap.org/cs/root/resources_for_families/glossary_of_symptoms_and_mental_illnesses_affecting_teenagers.

So many children and teens suffer from mental illness. If you have stories of success or challenge that you would like to share, please send them to me.

life

Use Discretion in Responding to Fundraising Pleas

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 12th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: A lot of people are using websites to raise money for their projects. I've read up about them and see that many are legit. The thing is, I am not a bank. I have a lot of friends in creative fields, and they keep sending me requests. Many of them are from Kickstarter, which I know is good, but still.

At first I was feeling guilty for not giving them money. Now I am beginning to feel annoyed. I want to be a good friend and to support my associates. That support cannot mean that I always have to fork up cash, right? -- Tapped Out, Silver Spring, Md.

DEAR TAPPED OUT: I will say first that I think these financial models for fundraising are brilliant. They definitely have worked for many people who are raising small amounts of cash.

I agree with you that sometimes the requests come in fast and furious. The smallest amount a person can give to these opportunities is low, so recipients may feel some guilt in rejecting them. Of course you can give $5 or $10 or $50, right?

My advice is to give to these fundraising campaigns only if you want to do so. Create your own budget that includes charitable giving and investing. Make decisions about what efforts you want to support based on your interests and your budget. Should you choose not to support an unsolicited cause, you can still send your good wishes -- without the check.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel kind of stupid or cliched, because I want to start an exercise program and get my body together, and I know that everybody says this in January. I feel stupid that I haven't gotten it together before now, but I'm inspired by people like Jennifer Hudson who have lost tons of weight. I figure there's a chance I could lose some, too, with help. How can I get started with something that I will actually do? -- Wanting Fitness, Salt Lake City

DEAR WANTING FITNESS: Congratulations on the desire to be fit. You can get started by visiting your doctor for a complete physical. Make sure your body is healthy enough for exercise, and learn if you have any health concerns.

Next, find a gym that offers classes. Many people who are new to working out get more success when they have help from a teacher and the camaraderie of a classroom setting. You can find a gym of any size, co-ed or single gender, fancy or simple. Find something within your budget that is convenient to your life. Make it easy on yourself, and you stand a better chance of being successful.

You can also consider weight-loss programs such as Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig that help with menu planning and exercise tips. Good luck!

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