DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband has told me he doesn't want to be married anymore -- after 10 years and three children. He says I should be happy that he came to me directly before cheating on me or anything else. Really?

I am sick to my stomach. We just had a vacation together, and everything seemed great. Now he says he wants to move out and start his life over. He says he will continue to help take care of the kids but realizes he wants something different in his life -- not me. He thought the only respectable thing to do was to tell me. After he said that, he didn't want to talk about it.

He made a statement with dates for when he wants to leave. When I asked if he had a girlfriend, he said he didn't yet but he was interested in someone. He said he agreed not to mess around with her until we had broken up.

I am so angry. What can I do to save my marriage? --Distraught Wife, Detroit

DEAR DISTRAUGHT WIFE: Ask your husband to go to counseling with you. Even if he confirms that he is ready to move on, ask him to participate in counseling for the sake of the children.

If you can get into a professional counseling environment where the two of you can talk through your challenges and concerns, you stand a chance of learning more about where his heart is and whether there is a chance at reconciliation. It could be that this other woman is a passing interest but that out of respect, he feels he should leave rather than get involved in an affair. The root of the reason for his straying may be something you can identify and work through with help. Try that before you let him go.

No matter what, since you have three children, you will need to figure out how to manage them from two households. A counselor can be instrumental in that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My next-door neighbor is a nice guy who always seems to need something. That proverbial cup of sugar has turned into dish detergent, flatware, a bottle of wine, anything. He knocks on our door at all hours of the night when he needs something, and it has become annoying.

Don't get me wrong. My wife and I like him a lot, and he is generous with us. He gives us a bottle of wine for the holidays and odd gifts here and there. But we don't like being his go-to, especially after midnight.

How do we handle this? We live in an apartment building, so it's easy for him to walk a few steps across the hall to make his inquiry. -- Bothered, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR BOTHERED: You don't have to answer the door just because somebody knocks on it. If it's late and you don't want to be bothered, ignore the knock. You can also tell your neighbor that unless it's an emergency, he should not come by after a particular time. You can set boundaries without being mean.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend's father died, and I feel so bad for her. He lived with her for the last few years, and she was a dutiful daughter. She seems so calm about her dad's death, but I can't imagine how. He wasn't really sick; he just died.

She is going about making arrangements very matter-of-factly. I want to be of help, but she seems so efficient that she doesn't need help. How can I be a good friend to her without being annoying? -- Best Friend, Laurel, Md.

DEAR BEST FRIEND: Trust that your friend is doing the best she can, and know that she likely values hearing from you.

Check in with her each day, morning and evening, to see how she's doing. Once a day, specifically ask if she needs your help with anything. During another call, check in on her emotions by asking how she's feeling and whether she wants to talk. Ask if you can fix her some food or take her for a drive. Let her know that you love her and that you want to be there for her in any way she would prefer.

Being a friend may simply mean offering your ear and your love to her consistently. If she has a moment of need, you will have a chance to support her if you are speaking to her regularly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My niece is a real Debbie Downer. No matter what we talk about, she always finds something wrong with it. We spent a few days together during the holidays, and she drove me crazy. I was telling her about my new job. She didn't care. We listened to music, and she hated everything I played for her. Honestly, all she did was complain.

At one point, I said that she seems to see the glass as half empty, while I see it as half full. She took offense at my statement. I tried to give her examples of what I meant.

In the end, when she had hurt my feelings for the 100th time, I blew up and told her off. I really didn't mean to do that, but I was so frustrated.

How can I fix it with her? I think she must be sad or something. I want to help her and protect myself at the same time. -- Worn Out, Los Angeles

DEAR WORN OUT: Your niece probably doesn't realize how she affects others. Often when people are overly negative, they have low self-esteem. Sadly, when they are challenged about it, this only helps to support their belief that the world is against them.

It may help to be very specific when you tell your niece your concerns. If you can identify a situation when she was extremely negative and it hurt your feelings, describe it to her. Through your eyes, she may be able to see how her reaction affects you. Chances are, she has been clueless about considering your feelings.

Helping her open her eyes to others' perspectives may soften her opinions about herself and those around her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family is divided politically. Even though the election is over, people are still upset.

When we got together over the holidays, one of my uncles (who had had too much to drink) started talking about the presidential election and how he thought the vote was rigged. The opposing uncles jumped in, and I thought it was going to come to blows. It was awful. I know they had all been drinking, but still it was mean and ugly. When I tried to break it up, it just got worse.

What should I have done, and what can I do in the future? They aren't going to change their views. -- Peace Maker, Washington, D.C.

DEAR PEACE MAKER: Tensions were high going into the presidential election, and it was predicted that afterward there would be a lot of bad feelings, no matter who won or lost. It is also relatively common for extended family to include members of different political persuasions. This can be a recipe for major conflict. In your case, the situation was exacerbated by alcohol.

What can you do? Nothing in the midst of a drunken fight. It's best in a situation like that to walk away. You could invite anybody else who isn't intoxicated to walk away, too. Anybody who is already lit is not going to be able to hear the voice of reason.

When your relatives are sober, you can recommend that they agree to disagree on politics and agree not to talk about their political views at family gatherings. This doesn't mean their opinions aren't valued; it means their love of family is greater. Try that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My assistant has worked for me for less than a year. Because she's the newest member of our team, she doesn't have any vacation days.

She asked me if she could take time off for the holidays anyway. She told me that she wanted to see her family and that they always get together at her mom's house, 300 miles away.

Her question put me in an awkward situation. We have rules at my office about vacation time, but she really put the guilt trip on me -- so much so that I gave her two days off. She hardly said "thank you" after all of that.

I am not happy about this at all. How can I let her know my feelings? -- Annoyed, Dallas

DEAR ANNOYED: Remember that your assistant is young and in need of guidance. Rather than being upset with her, educate her.

Tell her you are disappointed that she seems ungrateful for your extra effort to make her holiday comfortable. Tell her that you realized how lonely she was for her family and that you made an exception so she could be with them. Explain that you expect her to have the basic manners to say "thank you" and to go the extra mile at work because you went the extra mile for her.