DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an etiquette question. My nonprofit organization is partnering with another nonprofit to present a community workshop. We want to present the guest speaker with a gift. The two options are a $25 American Express gift card or flowers (not in a vase).

Which is more acceptable or appropriate? My board members think the gift card is impersonal. -- Do the Right Thing, Baltimore

DEAR DO THE RIGHT THING: It's great that you want to publicly thank your speaker. Since you are not paying the speaker, a token of appreciation is a fine gesture.

I would consider a hybrid of your ideas. How about the gift card with a single rose, so that when you present it, folks in the audience see something and the speaker gets something he or she can actually use? Be sure to include a note of gratitude with the gift card that is signed by the key members of your group.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 26-year-old gay male. I started seeing a guy when I was 19, and we dated for five years. This June, I found out I had contracted HIV from him, and it totally devastated me.

I had resigned myself to remaining single and "bearing the burden alone." I have told only one of my family members and am TERRIFIED to tell the rest. To make it worse, I've met an amazing guy who, despite my best efforts, I've fallen in love with. How can I tell him about this? I'm terrified that if I tell him or my family, I truly will be alone forever. Help! -- Desperately Confused, Washington, D.C.

DEAR DESPERATELY CONFUSED: I want you to notice that you have highs and lows that are taking up equal space in your life right now. It's good to look at them.

I'm so sorry you contracted HIV. I understand being wary of telling your family. You don't have to tell them. But you do have an obligation to tell the man you have fallen in love with. Do you run the risk that he'll run away? Yes, but not necessarily. Being honest upfront allows you to figure out how you can have a relationship and be as safe as possible.

I recommend that you get counseling that will support you in dealing with your health condition and navigating your relationship. One source is the Gay Men's Health Crisis (www.gmhc.org).

You also should know that many couples have weathered this storm. As an example, I have a friend who has been HIV-positive for many years. He didn't talk about it at first, but he didn't hide it, either. He has walked in all of the AIDS walks in New York City, and his friends have long known his status. He has been in a relationship with someone who is not HIV-positive for many years. The great news is that this year his partner asked him to get married. Because the laws have changed in some states, they were able to do just that.

You can have a full life. Take care of your health first. Get support, and tell the man you hope to make your partner.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who can be a real fake sometimes. She's a nice person, but when she dislikes someone, she acts like that person is her best friend. For example, if it's his or her birthday, instead of just writing "Happy Birthday" on Facebook, she'll write "Happy Birthday xoxoxo Love you!!!!!!" and then complain that the person acts like they're best friends!

I tell her that she's giving people the wrong impression and that there is a way to be nice and civil without making a person she dislikes think they're best friends, but she won't listen. What do you think? -- Friend of a Fake, Washington, D.C.

DEAR FRIEND OF A FAKE: Your friend is dishonest, which is not nice at all. It's actually manipulative, given that it makes the other person believe she harbors positive feelings when the opposite is true.

One way you may be able to get her to see the folly of her ways is to ask her about your relationship. Tell her you are a little concerned about how she feels about you. If she usually treats you nicely, is that real or is she faking it with you, too? Ask her. Tell her that you can't be sure what she thinks anymore since she says one thing and means another so frequently.

She will likely call you silly and say that of course you know how she feels. That's when you remind her that other people think she likes them, too, when it's really the opposite.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends wanted to set me up with a guy last year who they thought would be great for me. Nothing ever happened. We never went on a date and barely spoke, and I don't think he even knew they were trying to set us up.

But this year he always acts weirdly around me. We were both at a party, and he danced with my friend after seeing me there. Then he moved over to where I was so he could dance right next to me with her. It was really weird, and I'm confused why he acts this way. What do you think is going on? -- Confused and Single, Jacksonville, Fla.

DEAR CONFUSED AND SINGLE: I think this guy knew that your friends were trying to get you two together, but he was probably too shy to say anything. He sounds more shy than weird. Dancing with your friend but next to you suggests that he wanted to be in your line of sight.

I recommend that you speak to him. Break the ice. Strike up a simple conversation and see if you like each other. You may find that this guy is interesting one-on-one but unsophisticated when it comes to being assertive. You may also find that he is boring or uninteresting. That's fine, too. Figure it out by speaking up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I take the subway every morning to go to work, and there is always someone panhandling for money. I usually give a dollar or two when I can. I recently found out that it is now illegal to give money to panhandlers on the subways. This really upset me, because I'm a law-abiding citizen, and I know there are people who can benefit when they are given money directly, as opposed to going through a charitable organization.

The next time I'm on the subway, should I just ignore the people who ask for money? -- Cheerful Giver, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR CHEERFUL GIVER: It's wonderful to see that you are a giving person. I'm sure the people with whom you share are happy about that.

Feel free to continue to give money to people on the street. However, I would not recommend continuing to give on the subway. It has been illegal for decades to solicit money on buses or subways in New York City because in each of these environments, passengers are a captive audience. Whether you want to give or not, you are forced to be in close proximity to someone who is actively asking you to give, without the option of walking away.

Just wait until you are outside and then give as much as you want.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I messed up. I got arrested for driving while intoxicated. I was fortunate that my license was not taken away from me. I filed for emergency hardship, which means I can drive my car only during a 12-hour-a-day period, five days a week. I have to choose which two days I will not drive.

Here's my problem: I'm active in my church, and my wife just had our second child three weeks ago. My wife is not pleased with me at this time. I've been placed on probation for six months, and I feel that I can handle it with no problems. But it's going to be a long six months in my house, and I need some help to gain my wife's trust. -- Say When, Atlanta

DEAR SAY WHEN: You just had a serious wake-up call with the DUI. It's natural that your wife isn't pleased with you. With tremendous responsibilities before you, you did not behave responsibly.

The way to gain back her trust is to take care of yourself and your family. Get some counseling for your alcohol use. Be honest about your consumption, and figure out if you need help curbing your drinking.

Get spiritual counseling as well. Talk to your pastor and ask for guidance on how to get grounded again. Pay close attention to your life. To keep everything in order, you may want to write a list each day that includes everything you have to do, including family, work, spiritual and personal duties. Check off each one after you have completed it. Good luck.