DEAR HARRIETTE: Your response to "Crestfallen" (who was not included in her husband's will) is psychologically sound but legally insufficient. Every state has some statutory provision for a surviving spouse award despite non-inclusion in the decedent's will. For example, Section 15-1(a) of the Illinois Probate Act provides for an award of no less than $20,000 for a surviving spouse.

Furthermore, there may be a legal basis to contest the will. If the will is successfully challenged in Illinois, the surviving spouse may get 50 percent of the decedent's estate under the intestacy provisions of the Probate Act. "Crestfallen" really needs to talk to an attorney. -- Concerned Attorney, Chicago

DEAR CONCERNED ATTORNEY: I want to thank you and the many readers who wrote in to recommend that "Crestfallen" speak to an attorney. I focused on the widow's heart in my initial remarks. In addition to grieving for her loss and healing from the pain and shame of what the husband chose to do with his resources, this widow should reap financial benefit from his passing -- 30 years of marriage surely earned her that. I appreciate all of the readers who wrote in and wanted to be sure she is properly cared for.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I know someone who has been married more than 13 years and feels stuck in her marriage. She is committed to the marriage, but she realizes that she's staying married because she doesn't want to hurt her husband.

They have young children, and she feels leaving would be selfish. There were some serious issues early in the relationship, but things have gotten better. I think that she's forcing herself to be satisfied with how things are.

She is even attracted to someone close to her husband. She's liked him for years and thought that it would just go away. What do you think? -- Observant Friend, Shreveport, La.

DEAR OBSERVANT FRIEND: It looks like the question on the table is, "What is commitment?" Your friend needs to evaluate her life to see what she wants and what she's willing to commit to. The man who is attractive to her right now is an indication that her heart and focus are not centered on her marriage. She needs to figure out why.

She may want to review why she got married in the first place. What did she find attractive about her husband? What values do they share? What works in their marriage?

Next is the big step -- talking to her husband. She needs to drum up the courage to tell him the truth about her feelings. It can be extremely hard to say what's in your heart, especially when so much is at stake, but not saying something is worse. It leaves so many unanswered questions, and the children likely will suffer.

She should talk to her husband about her state of mind. If she can get him to agree to therapy, that would be amazing. They can talk about what works and what doesn't and chart their course for the future together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In the past few weeks, there's been a major shake-up in the leadership at my place of worship, resulting in discord with the church members. I've heard that some of the members are planning to leave the church to worship somewhere else. I would like to know what I can do to keep morale up while we are going through our transition. -- Tough Times, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR TOUGH TIMES: When there is significant difficulty in a church community, particularly when it involves the leadership, it is natural that some parishioners will choose to leave.

For you, what's most important is to decide how you feel about the shake-up that has occurred. Do you believe your institution can weather this storm in a way that will make you still feel welcome? Do you want to stay? Is there another house of worship you want to consider attending? Who can you talk to in your church to figure out what's really going on?

Since you want to help boost morale, it sounds like you want to step into a leadership role yourself. If so, you need to know where things stand now throughout the organization's leadership. Then be clear on your spiritual principles. If you believe in the power of prayer, for example, you might suggest that the congregation begin a special prayer circle where you pray and talk about the challenges the congregation is facing.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When average people eat breakfast, they usually drink a beverage that's associated with the first meal of the day, i.e., fruit juice, water, tea or coffee. Not my best friend. He is the exception to the rule. My friend drinks beer, with a bagel and cream cheese on the side. He claims it's a breakfast of champions.

I love my best friend, but I think he is insane. Can you offer some insight to this problem? -- Friend to the End, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR FRIEND TO THE END: Your friend is living in a fantasy world. He knows that beer is not a breakfast drink.

Do you think your best friend is unhappy? I ask, because if someone chooses to get intoxicated shortly after waking up, there's a good chance he isn't content. Indeed, it could mean that he is intent on escaping his life.

If you think he's unhappy, you could -- as his best friend -- start talking to him about what's going on with him. Ultimately, he has to wake up to the reality of his life. You cannot do that for him. You can only nudge him.

You also could invite him to breakfast and tell him you are making him a healthy morning meal. Ask him to indulge you and enjoy it. Will you convince him to change his ways? Doubtful. You may be able to get him to eat well once in a while.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have just moved into our new house. This is our first time as homeowners, and we are so excited! But we do not agree on anything as far as decor.

One day, I found several cans of blue paint in the basement. When I asked my husband about them, he enthusiastically declared that he has plans to paint the walls of the basement lounge this very dark shade of blue.

While I hate this idea, I do not want to shoot down my husband's happiness. How do we come up with some sort of compromise? -- Worried Wife, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR WORRIED WIFE: You and your husband have not only a new house but also a whole new experience before you.

Sit down with your husband and acknowledge how big your project is. Tell him that you realize the two of you haven't made a plan together for designing and furnishing your new home. Tell him that you realize you aren't on the same page and that you think it's important to come to agreement on your plans, even if that means that you "agree to disagree."

Point out that you aren't a fan of the dark blue paint he bought for the basement, and ask if he might reconsider. Ask if there's anything you've come up with for the home that he doesn't love.

To get him interested in this sharing idea, he has to believe that you both make choices that aren't the favorite of the other. Then you realize there's common ground where you can meet.

The two of you can look at design books and TV shows to glean ideas. You also can go to your local home store, such as Home Depot or Lowe's, and get a free consultation from a professional to help set you on track.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I would like to break what I see as a nasty habit. For the past three years, I have smoked four cigarettes and drunk two cups of coffee every morning before 8 a.m. If I don't stop smoking, I know I'm going to incur health problems that could have been easily avoided. Do you have any ideas? -- Hard Habit to Break, Union, N.J.

DEAR HARD HABIT: Congratulate yourself on being clear that your behavior is unhealthy. I wonder why this has been your habit for three years? Did something happen three years ago that upset you? Sometimes bad habits begin as a way of filling an emotional hole. I recommend that you go back in your memory to see if something triggered this behavior.

Beyond that, now's the time for help. Of course there's the chance that you can will yourself to stop smoking and drinking coffee, but both tobacco and caffeine are addictive and can be hard to walk away from.

Get a physical and ask your doctor to recommend some support for ending smoking. Quit smoking first, and then move to the coffee. Consider replacing one cup of coffee with water. Set a goal that you will drink only one cup of coffee per day by the end of the year.