life

Try to Make Cooking Fun Instead of a Chore

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 29th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a single girl, and I'm about to move into my first apartment. Because of my limited abilities in the kitchen, I usually eat out. But I know I will need to spend my money more wisely and learn how to cook now that I will be living on my own and will have more bills.

I am not the best cook. My specialty dishes are scrambled eggs and spaghetti with meat sauce ... and that is it. I've invested in cookbooks, but I get overwhelmed when I look through them.

Do you have any tips for someone who is learning to cook? -- Single and Starving, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR SINGLE AND STARVING: I feel your pain! When I got my first apartment, 40 miles away from home, my mother made food and brought it to me. Thank goodness, I figured out over time that her wonderful support had to end.

The biggest thing you have to do is change your mindset. Instead of believing that you cannot make meals, take on cooking as a wonderful challenge. You can find video recipes online in which someone demonstrates how to prepare a meal, so that you don't have to read and interpret the recipe. Someone literally shows you how to do it. This website features many such recipes: www.myrecipes.com/quick-and-easy.

You also may want to invite a friend for dinner. Sometimes when you know you are making food for someone else, you put extra effort into the process, which can be incredibly rewarding for everyone.

Bottom line: Choose simple recipes and experiment. Over time, you will be able to expand your repertoire.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex and I broke up three years ago. We were together for eight years, and my mother loves her. In fact, she considers my ex the daughter she never had.

After our breakup, my mother continued to call my ex and invite her out to dinner. They go shopping together, and she invites her to special family gatherings, even holiday dinners! This has become increasingly awkward, especially since I now have a new girlfriend.

This exchange between my mother and my ex makes it difficult for my new girlfriend to even have a chance. How do I tell my mother that her relationship with my ex makes me uncomfortable? -- Aggravated Son, Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR AGGRAVATED SON: If you had a relationship for eight years with your ex, chances are she became family with your mom. Just because you two broke up doesn't mean that your mother stopped loving her, as is evidenced by their relationship.

Instead of trying to squash their bond, tell your mother that you have a new girlfriend and that it's important to you that your mom makes room for her in her life. Tell your mother that you know she and your ex are close, but ask that she reconsider some of the activities to which she invites your ex because it's awkward for you. She may not be aware of how her actions are affecting you.

life

Birthday Gift Met With Tears, Not Cheers

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 20th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I bought an expensive gift for my daughter for her 16th birthday, and she took one look at it and burst into tears. I know her hormones are raging, but her behavior was so extreme. I asked her what was wrong. She ran out of the room without saying.

I was so angry and hurt. It took a lot for me to save up and buy her a gift, which, by the way, she said she wanted.

What am I to think about this? How should I follow up? So far, she has been sulking. It has been a couple of days now. I am at my wit's end. -- Deflated, Ann Arbor, Mich.

DEAR DEFLATED: Teenagers are known to sometimes have unexpected emotional reactions. That doesn't excuse your daughter's behavior, though.

Try not to take your daughter's behavior personally. Something is going on with her. Your gift may have triggered a memory or thought that was overwhelming for her.

Reach out to her with compassion. Tell her that it's time for the two of you to talk. Ask her to tell you about her birthday and what it feels like to have turned 16. Get her to talk to you about this pivotal point in her life. When she loosens up, ask her to tell you why she reacted so strongly to your gift.

Let her know that her behavior hurt your feelings and worried you. She needs to be reminded that you are a thinking, feeling person, too. This may help her to come back to center. If she continues to sulk, you may want to seek professional help to dig deeper and learn if she is having any serious emotional challenges.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I bring my lunch to work every day. It helps me to save money, and it makes it easier for me to eat healthfully. The downside is that my co-workers are always looking at my lunch, asking questions about my diet and sometimes even asking to taste my food. I don't like that. I spend a lot of time making sure that I have healthy meals each day -- not to share with others. How can I let them know they need to stop checking out my lunch? -- Private Diner, Grand Rapids, Mich.

DEAR PRIVATE DINER: I have a very different suggestion. Why not inspire the rest of the staff to eat in a healthier way? Suggest that one day you will talk to them more formally about the components of a healthy lunch and make recommendations for what they can bring from home. Some may like it. Others will probably back off.

life

Is It Time for the Two Guys in Mom's Life to Meet?

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 19th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been dating a guy for about seven months, and things have been getting pretty serious. He has started to talk about developing what we have into a committed relationship and settling down. But I am concerned because I have a 6-year-old son whom he hasn't met yet. I do not want to get further into this relationship until I know they are compatible.

I'm not sure if it's too early to bring my boyfriend into my son's life. He doesn't have any children of his own, so I don't know how he is with children.

When is the most appropriate time to introduce him to my son? -- Inching Closer, Gallup, N.M.

DEAR INCHING CLOSER: Ask this guy what "settling down" looks like for him, considering your pre-existing family. How does he envision including your son in a potential family unit? Take his temperature as it relates to family-building so you can gauge where he stands.

Tell him your thoughts about deepening your bond. Be clear about why you haven't introduced him to your son yet. Ask him if he's ready. If you believe you and your son can potentially form a family with this man, that's great.

Make a plan together to introduce your boyfriend to your son. Start by calling him your "friend." Let him and your son develop a relationship over time. Once they have established their own connection, let your son know that you love this man and want him to be part of your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my co-workers has started hounding me on social media. He asked me to friend him on Facebook. He now follows me on Twitter and Pinterest. It's creepy. We work together. I'm not trying to be his friend.

The other day, he asked me at work why I hadn't responded to him and followed him. He told me that I was not using good manners.

Do I have to connect with co-workers on social media or be seen as rude? -- Private, Washington, D.C.

DEAR PRIVATE: You do not have to friend or follow people from work or anywhere else. But you also need to open your eyes and be realistic. Social media is not a private enterprise. By its very nature, it invites people to interact with one another.

Many people like to keep their work and home lives separate, but that isn't always possible. You can draw a line and not include anybody from your office. You can be extremely selective and invite only your real "friends," or you can welcome everybody in.

Be conscious of your decision. Tell this man that you prefer to be off-line to co-workers as it relates to social media. Know that you can't stop him from looking, though.

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