life

Birthday Gift Met With Tears, Not Cheers

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 20th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I bought an expensive gift for my daughter for her 16th birthday, and she took one look at it and burst into tears. I know her hormones are raging, but her behavior was so extreme. I asked her what was wrong. She ran out of the room without saying.

I was so angry and hurt. It took a lot for me to save up and buy her a gift, which, by the way, she said she wanted.

What am I to think about this? How should I follow up? So far, she has been sulking. It has been a couple of days now. I am at my wit's end. -- Deflated, Ann Arbor, Mich.

DEAR DEFLATED: Teenagers are known to sometimes have unexpected emotional reactions. That doesn't excuse your daughter's behavior, though.

Try not to take your daughter's behavior personally. Something is going on with her. Your gift may have triggered a memory or thought that was overwhelming for her.

Reach out to her with compassion. Tell her that it's time for the two of you to talk. Ask her to tell you about her birthday and what it feels like to have turned 16. Get her to talk to you about this pivotal point in her life. When she loosens up, ask her to tell you why she reacted so strongly to your gift.

Let her know that her behavior hurt your feelings and worried you. She needs to be reminded that you are a thinking, feeling person, too. This may help her to come back to center. If she continues to sulk, you may want to seek professional help to dig deeper and learn if she is having any serious emotional challenges.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I bring my lunch to work every day. It helps me to save money, and it makes it easier for me to eat healthfully. The downside is that my co-workers are always looking at my lunch, asking questions about my diet and sometimes even asking to taste my food. I don't like that. I spend a lot of time making sure that I have healthy meals each day -- not to share with others. How can I let them know they need to stop checking out my lunch? -- Private Diner, Grand Rapids, Mich.

DEAR PRIVATE DINER: I have a very different suggestion. Why not inspire the rest of the staff to eat in a healthier way? Suggest that one day you will talk to them more formally about the components of a healthy lunch and make recommendations for what they can bring from home. Some may like it. Others will probably back off.

life

Is It Time for the Two Guys in Mom's Life to Meet?

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 19th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been dating a guy for about seven months, and things have been getting pretty serious. He has started to talk about developing what we have into a committed relationship and settling down. But I am concerned because I have a 6-year-old son whom he hasn't met yet. I do not want to get further into this relationship until I know they are compatible.

I'm not sure if it's too early to bring my boyfriend into my son's life. He doesn't have any children of his own, so I don't know how he is with children.

When is the most appropriate time to introduce him to my son? -- Inching Closer, Gallup, N.M.

DEAR INCHING CLOSER: Ask this guy what "settling down" looks like for him, considering your pre-existing family. How does he envision including your son in a potential family unit? Take his temperature as it relates to family-building so you can gauge where he stands.

Tell him your thoughts about deepening your bond. Be clear about why you haven't introduced him to your son yet. Ask him if he's ready. If you believe you and your son can potentially form a family with this man, that's great.

Make a plan together to introduce your boyfriend to your son. Start by calling him your "friend." Let him and your son develop a relationship over time. Once they have established their own connection, let your son know that you love this man and want him to be part of your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my co-workers has started hounding me on social media. He asked me to friend him on Facebook. He now follows me on Twitter and Pinterest. It's creepy. We work together. I'm not trying to be his friend.

The other day, he asked me at work why I hadn't responded to him and followed him. He told me that I was not using good manners.

Do I have to connect with co-workers on social media or be seen as rude? -- Private, Washington, D.C.

DEAR PRIVATE: You do not have to friend or follow people from work or anywhere else. But you also need to open your eyes and be realistic. Social media is not a private enterprise. By its very nature, it invites people to interact with one another.

Many people like to keep their work and home lives separate, but that isn't always possible. You can draw a line and not include anybody from your office. You can be extremely selective and invite only your real "friends," or you can welcome everybody in.

Be conscious of your decision. Tell this man that you prefer to be off-line to co-workers as it relates to social media. Know that you can't stop him from looking, though.

life

Youthful Boss Is Looking for Some Respect

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 18th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, I was promoted to a supervisory position at my job of five years. I am excited to have this new position, and I really needed the pay raise!

I will be supervising a staff of eight people, some of whom have been at this job many years longer than me. Already, rumors have been circulating around the office about my ability to do the job. Some people have said that I'm too young and inexperienced and that they don't want to work for me.

How do I get past all of this negativity? How do I squash the rumors, some of which may not even be true? And how do I appeal to my new staff? -- Insecure, Laredo, Texas

DEAR INSECURE: Take a step back and remember why you were promoted. Literally write down your assets as they relate to this job. What are you good at? Why were you hired? What skills do you have that qualify you for this position? Who are your allies at the job? Who are the naysayers?

You cannot control rumors, nor can you squash people's feelings regarding your youth. Instead, you can step into your role and be as prepared as possible to fulfill the duties before you.

As a supervisor, part of your job will be to inspire your team to do excellent work. Take the time in the first week to meet one-on-one with each of your staff members. Learn about their roles and responsibilities. Ask them what works well with their job and what may be a challenge. Make a connection with your employees. This will help to dispel any core concerns they may have about your interest in working with them.

When a new boss comes in, it's common for the staff to be skittish. Walk with confidence and compassion. Tell your team that you want to work together. Establish an open-door policy so they know you want to hear their ideas and concerns.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is about to celebrate her 20th anniversary of marriage. She is totally miserable, and her husband is totally happy -- or so he says. He wants to throw a big party to celebrate, and she absolutely does not want to do that. She's afraid that if she declines, she will hurt his feelings. She's also afraid that if she says "no," he will want to get into what's wrong. She doesn't want to talk about her unhappy feelings. How can I support her? -- Unhappy Anniversary, Chicago

DEAR UNHAPPY ANNIVERSARY: Gently encourage your friend to talk to her husband about her truth. She may not feel particularly courageous right now, but there really is no time like the present.

Faking it at a party is surely not the answer. Remaining silent isn't, either. Ask her if she honestly wants to go 20 more years in misery.

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