life

Is It Time for the Two Guys in Mom's Life to Meet?

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 19th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been dating a guy for about seven months, and things have been getting pretty serious. He has started to talk about developing what we have into a committed relationship and settling down. But I am concerned because I have a 6-year-old son whom he hasn't met yet. I do not want to get further into this relationship until I know they are compatible.

I'm not sure if it's too early to bring my boyfriend into my son's life. He doesn't have any children of his own, so I don't know how he is with children.

When is the most appropriate time to introduce him to my son? -- Inching Closer, Gallup, N.M.

DEAR INCHING CLOSER: Ask this guy what "settling down" looks like for him, considering your pre-existing family. How does he envision including your son in a potential family unit? Take his temperature as it relates to family-building so you can gauge where he stands.

Tell him your thoughts about deepening your bond. Be clear about why you haven't introduced him to your son yet. Ask him if he's ready. If you believe you and your son can potentially form a family with this man, that's great.

Make a plan together to introduce your boyfriend to your son. Start by calling him your "friend." Let him and your son develop a relationship over time. Once they have established their own connection, let your son know that you love this man and want him to be part of your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my co-workers has started hounding me on social media. He asked me to friend him on Facebook. He now follows me on Twitter and Pinterest. It's creepy. We work together. I'm not trying to be his friend.

The other day, he asked me at work why I hadn't responded to him and followed him. He told me that I was not using good manners.

Do I have to connect with co-workers on social media or be seen as rude? -- Private, Washington, D.C.

DEAR PRIVATE: You do not have to friend or follow people from work or anywhere else. But you also need to open your eyes and be realistic. Social media is not a private enterprise. By its very nature, it invites people to interact with one another.

Many people like to keep their work and home lives separate, but that isn't always possible. You can draw a line and not include anybody from your office. You can be extremely selective and invite only your real "friends," or you can welcome everybody in.

Be conscious of your decision. Tell this man that you prefer to be off-line to co-workers as it relates to social media. Know that you can't stop him from looking, though.

life

Youthful Boss Is Looking for Some Respect

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 18th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, I was promoted to a supervisory position at my job of five years. I am excited to have this new position, and I really needed the pay raise!

I will be supervising a staff of eight people, some of whom have been at this job many years longer than me. Already, rumors have been circulating around the office about my ability to do the job. Some people have said that I'm too young and inexperienced and that they don't want to work for me.

How do I get past all of this negativity? How do I squash the rumors, some of which may not even be true? And how do I appeal to my new staff? -- Insecure, Laredo, Texas

DEAR INSECURE: Take a step back and remember why you were promoted. Literally write down your assets as they relate to this job. What are you good at? Why were you hired? What skills do you have that qualify you for this position? Who are your allies at the job? Who are the naysayers?

You cannot control rumors, nor can you squash people's feelings regarding your youth. Instead, you can step into your role and be as prepared as possible to fulfill the duties before you.

As a supervisor, part of your job will be to inspire your team to do excellent work. Take the time in the first week to meet one-on-one with each of your staff members. Learn about their roles and responsibilities. Ask them what works well with their job and what may be a challenge. Make a connection with your employees. This will help to dispel any core concerns they may have about your interest in working with them.

When a new boss comes in, it's common for the staff to be skittish. Walk with confidence and compassion. Tell your team that you want to work together. Establish an open-door policy so they know you want to hear their ideas and concerns.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is about to celebrate her 20th anniversary of marriage. She is totally miserable, and her husband is totally happy -- or so he says. He wants to throw a big party to celebrate, and she absolutely does not want to do that. She's afraid that if she declines, she will hurt his feelings. She's also afraid that if she says "no," he will want to get into what's wrong. She doesn't want to talk about her unhappy feelings. How can I support her? -- Unhappy Anniversary, Chicago

DEAR UNHAPPY ANNIVERSARY: Gently encourage your friend to talk to her husband about her truth. She may not feel particularly courageous right now, but there really is no time like the present.

Faking it at a party is surely not the answer. Remaining silent isn't, either. Ask her if she honestly wants to go 20 more years in misery.

life

Couple's Entanglement Makes Family Squirm

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 17th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 20-year-old niece has a new boyfriend. They have been dating for several months and are clearly in the "honeymoon stage" of their relationship. They are all over each other whenever the family gets together. Even at the dinner table, they are practically in each other's arms. I thought they were going to start making out at one point!

My mom and dad are usually present and are uncomfortable with my niece's extreme PDA -- not to mention the little kids who do not know what to think of it. My sister and her husband do not seem to care about their daughter's show of affection.

I am happy for my niece, but her actions are quite inappropriate. Should I say something to my sister about it? Or should I confront my niece? -- Get a Room, Jacksonville, Fla.

DEAR GET A ROOM: I vote for saying something to both of them. Dinner table etiquette does not call for a feel-me-up session. If your niece has not been taught that yet, now's the time.

Tell your niece that her behavior with her boyfriend makes you uncomfortable and is inappropriate for little children to observe. Suggest that she limit the pawing to private moments.

It's possible that your sister isn't noticing the behavior because she is so happy her daughter has made this connection. Tell your sister that although everybody is happy her daughter has a boyfriend, their blatant public displays of affection are making everybody around them uncomfortable. Ask her to talk to her daughter about being more discreet.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband of 30 years just passed away from cancer. We had five kids together, and we all were there for him during his illness. Our relationship was up and down over the years, but we loved each other, and I have been a loyal wife and mother.

I just received his will and found out that he left me nothing. He left most of his life savings to a woman with whom he had an affair long ago. I feel betrayed and hurt. And now that he is gone, I feel like I cannot fight back.

I have so much anger and pain built up inside me. I want to be strong for my kids, but I don't know how. How can I recover from this? What steps can I take to have a better life? -- Crestfallen, Grand Rapids, Mich.

DEAR CRESTFALLEN: I'm so sorry to hear about this seeming betrayal. Death often brings out the worst in people and relationships. Of course, your husband had the right to give his resources to anyone he wanted, yet for him not to think about his children or you is hurtful.

Do not dwell on this. Instead, go to counseling. Work through your feelings and figure out how to move on. You are alive. You can design your future in any way you choose. Naturally, you are hurt. But you can heal. Live for yourself and your children. Choose the happiness that exists in the many corners of your life right now.

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