DEAR HARRIETTE: As a 21-year-old virgin, I have made the decision to not have sex until marriage. It's easy now because I am not currently in a relationship. My question is, when I do become part of a committed relationship, when do I tell him that I am not having sex until marriage? I'm afraid he'll think that means I'm rushing him toward a ring, but in reality I don't want him to be disappointed later when intercourse is not an option. -- No Compromise, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR NO COMPROMISES: Take any relationship slowly. Get to know the person you begin to date and make it clear by your actions that you are not interested in pursuing quick intimacy.

Talk about your values as you go along, including your thoughts about family. This doesn't need to happen on the first, second or third date, but it is good to create a rapport with a potential mate that includes an understanding of what you believe.

As you get to know a suitor, ask him about his desire for family life. Get him to talk about his ideas and thoughts. When you feel you want to go to the next step and claim each other as partners, tell him that for you, this is the beginning of a closer bond. But also tell him that according to your belief system, there is an intimacy line that you will not cross. Tell him what it is. Ask him what he thinks about your boundaries and whether he is comfortable with them. Tell him you aren't pushing for marriage but just want to be upfront with him so that you can manage his expectations.

If he does want to get serious with you, this could urge him on to a proposal. That could be perfect. Watch to see how things unfold.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The word "friend" is not a term that I use loosely. For me to call someone my "best friend" means that they go above and beyond the normal duties of a friend. Once you reach the point in a relationship where both people are no longer giving 100 percent, you can't really be called a best friend.

In one particular friendship, I feel like I am giving my 100 percent but she is giving about 70 percent, which isn't a lot when it has slipped from 100 percent. Of course, she still calls me her best friend because I haven't changed. But how can I let her know that she no longer deserves the title of MY best friend? -- De-Friended, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR DE-FRIENDED: Why not start with a question? Ask your former best friend what's going on in her life right now. If she has suddenly lessened her role in your life, chances are something in her world has shifted. Does she have a boyfriend? Is she about to move? Are her home circumstances the same? Her finances? Something has changed. Rather than assume she is partially dumping you, find out.

Tell her that you miss the closeness you once shared. Perhaps you can regain some of your closeness, but know that it's also possible your relationship is changing. You will have to decide if you are willing to accept the change.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I keep waking up in the middle of the night worried about random things. It definitely has been stressful at my job recently, and I can't say I have handled it the best. Plus, my boyfriend has been less than nice (understatement) when I feel like I need him the most.

I'm a wreck. Please don't tell me to get a therapist. I can't afford it. I do need to do something. What can I do to help myself? -- Sleepless in Seattle

DEAR SLEEPLESS: Carve out as much stillness as you can. When you are at work, give your best effort. Stop trying to get your boyfriend to do anything, since he's unable to satisfy your needs right now. Make your home a safe place. Turn off the TV. Turn on soothing music. Take a bath every night when you get home. Drink water and herbal tea. Recite affirmations that you can find happiness and that you deserve it. This will help.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your column in the Chicago Tribune, and I would like to comment on your response to the letter from a writer who listened to her friend tell a bald-faced lie.

Your suggestion was to call him out in front of others. How could you possibly think this was the proper thing to do? It doesn't matter whether or not he was lying, and it is not up to his friend to embarrass him in front of a group of people. Humor certainly wouldn't have applied in this situation, either.

I really have a problem with people who are insensitive and who would humiliate someone in the presence of others. This is a matter where the letter writer should speak privately to the person who is not telling the truth. Think about it: Would you like someone to call you out on anything -- it doesn't have to be this scenario -- in front of a group of people where it makes you look like "2 cents waiting for change"? -- Concerned, Chicago

DEAR CONCERNED: I do not promote insensitivity or humiliation. I do promote honesty. Depending on the nature of the lie that is overheard, I maintain that the most honorable thing to do is to say something in the moment.

I have observed people say and do nothing when someone has told lies or been mean, generally because they didn't want to embarrass anyone. I think that following peer pressure to be quiet and wait for a private moment sometimes has big repercussions. It's not smart for a whole group to remain misled because no one will speak up to clarify the truth.

Of course, there are ways to correct people without humiliating them. Tone has everything to do with how a message is received. If not humor, one could use concerned curiosity. "Jim, I don't think that's exactly how it happened," or, "I heard that scene go down differently." The point is that the group should not sit by and allow inaccurate or hurtful information to go unchallenged.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got an email from someone asking me to participate in a business project with him. He said he was referred to me by a woman with whom I used to work. She did not reach out to me. He did directly. I signed his nondisclosure and have been inching toward working with him, but something seems off. First of all, he doesn't seem business-savvy. But since she referred him, I want to give him a chance. Am I wrong to do that? -- Unsure, Shreveport, La.

DEAR UNSURE: Right after you heard from this man -- and before signing a nondisclosure -- you should have called your friend to check his references. Just because he said she recommended him doesn't mean it's so. This man could be borrowing on your friend's name.

I prefer referrals to be direct. If I refer someone, I pick up the phone or send an email and say as much.

You are where you are. Stop now and contact your friend. Find out what she knows about him. Even more, trust your instincts. If you don't think he's a match for you, move on.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I like your common-sense advice and enjoy reading your responses in the Chicago Tribune.

I had another thought about your answer to "Cold Feet" (the man who broke it off with his fiancee because she was unwilling to help take care of his children). We don't have both sides of the story, and he doesn't specify who ended the engagement. It could have been the girlfriend because he may have expected her, as a female, to take over parenting duties and was trying to cut out the mom.

I say that as a legal aid attorney who has represented mostly women in divorce/custody cases for almost 25 years. I am also a stepmom with a very close relationship to my husband's daughter. I did lots of "kid duty" when she was small.

You were right to praise "Cold Feet" for putting his kids first, and I hope that's the case, but something didn't ring quite true about his letter. -- Skeptical, Chicago

DEAR SKEPTICAL: I have received a number of letters regarding this situation. Your voice is an important addition.

It is possible that this man was not being fully forthcoming. Custody battles can be intense, calculating and ugly. Let's hope that's not the case here.

I maintain that any potential spouse of a parent with children must accept responsibility for supporting the children emotionally and more.