DEAR HARRIETTE: I totally disagree with your response to "Cold Feet" (whose former fiancee refused to accept any child-care responsibility for his three children).

As a divorced woman who has only one child because I practiced birth control since I was 16 years old, I certainly will NOT bear responsibility for the kids who have a living mother and father. I exercised judgment and discretion over the last 30 years, and I cannot burden my life with the responsibilities of those who chose not to do the same.

To say that my type of woman is not right for this kind of relationship is certainly true, but it does not make me a bad person or less worthy than a woman who is willing to step in.

We all are given the opportunity each day to make decisions that impact the present and the future. Just because I plan for my future every day does not make me (us) BAD WOMEN. It made me smart and willing to surround myself only with people who have done some planning of their own. -- Responsible, Washington, D.C.

DEAR RESPONSIBLE: I was not suggesting that you or women like you are bad. I was simply saying that if a woman (or man) chooses to marry someone who has or shares custody of children, it is implicit that he or she is signing up to participate in the parenting and care of those children. Indeed, I would hope that the stepparent would grow to love and nurture the children.

I don't think it's healthy for a couple to marry and for the stepparent to shrug off all child-rearing responsibility -- regardless of whether the other parent is living or dead.

Ultimately, it is best for care of the children to be shared by all adults -- parents and stepparents -- discussing and sharing values and parenting strategies. As you know, children are precious. They deserve the village that they should get through a stepparent relationship.

As far as your personal choices, you have been smart and clear about how you have lived your life, including the use of birth control. That is fantastic. Clearly, you have no intention of accepting responsibility for someone else's children. That's perfectly fine -- provided you do not partner with someone who has children. And you're right: Your position doesn't make you or anyone like you a bad person. It means you are responsible for your choices.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After my mother died, my niece began to act out terribly. Last year she hardly went to school, although her mother and I didn't know. A truant officer came to the house, and it almost became a legal matter. My niece is repeating her grade this year because she failed everything last year. We are so worried about her. She's a teenager, and she is belligerent, headstrong and disrespectful. How can we support her so that she wakes up and sees how she is living her life? -- Worried Uncle, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR WORRIED UNCLE: Your niece needs professional help to deal with her grief and to help guide her to healthy action. Suggest to your sister that she find a professional therapist who can help your niece open up about her life.

Your sister should inform her daughter's guidance counselor of her daughter's situation so that the counselor can track her progress. Your niece probably won't like being policed a bit, but she needs it until she develops healthy practices on her own.

You and your sister, as well as any other interested and involved adults, should support your niece by keep her engaged by helping with her homework and talking to her about her life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 8-year-old came home the other day telling me that she knew what sex was. She proceeded to tell me that it's a form of love and that it's how you make babies. Then we were watching the news and she heard the term "rape." She asked me what that was. I completely froze.

How do you explain such a thing to a child who is just learning the basics about sexuality? It is really confusing to me. -- At a Loss, Chicago

DEAR AT A LOSS: Though it seems very young, your daughter may be ready to learn the basics about sex and sexual violation. Unfortunately, children are sometimes victims of abuse as they also are becoming curious about their bodies.

In simple terms, you can explain to your daughter that babies are created when an egg and a sperm meet, and that the sperm lives in the man and the egg lives in the woman. Explain that the man typically delivers the sperm by putting his penis in the woman's vagina. Yes, you need to say it. And explain that it is an act of love for adults who are committed to each other. You probably will get a "yuck," but your daughter will remember.

As for rape, you need to explain that it is an act of violence and a crime when someone forces a person to commit the sex act. It is mean, painful and against all the rules. When it is rape, it is not an act of love.

There are many books that can support you, from religiously based texts to books reflecting different family makeups. Do some research to find the best book for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is upset at me because I haven't accepted his friend request on Facebook. What's the big deal? I married the man, and we are friends in real life. I have nothing to hide from him. I just don't want to be his friend on Facebook. I don't want to have a cyberrelationship with him; I want to have a real relationship with him. I don't use Facebook that much anyway. Am I in the wrong for not accepting his request? -- Wife, Salt Lake City

DEAR WIFE: Not accepting your husband's Facebook request when you have accepted requests from other people sends a negative message to him. It says that you do not welcome him into a particular part of your life. While you may not think there is anything wrong with that, it makes sense that he would. His perspective is likely that if you welcome others, why would you not welcome him?

His perspective is valid. This doesn't mean that your husband should be involved in every aspect of your life. For example, he probably wouldn't expect to listen in while you are talking on the phone with your girlfriends. He probably doesn't want to go with you to the beauty salon. But Facebook is a different matter. It is a public forum where people go to connect with one another.

If you have nothing to hide, prove it by accepting your husband's Facebook request. Tell him that you treasure the one-on-one interaction that you and he share and that you don't want to have a cyberrelationship. He can enter your Facebook space, but make it clear to him that you don't intend to develop a relationship with him there.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a unique style. I wear my hair kind of funky, and it's partly dyed pink. I also wear crazy colors of nail polish. It shows my fun side, I think.

Usually it's no big deal, but recently I have had a problem. I have been interviewing for a part-time job that can help tide me over while I'm finishing school. I'm beginning to think that my style is getting in my way. When I have gone to a few interviews, the people have been cordial but totally uninterested. They don't even really look at my resume. They just have a brief conversation with me and then release me.

I love my style, but I also need a job. How can I have both? -- Unemployed Cutie, Silver Spring, Md.

DEAR UNEMPLOYED CUTIE: The choices you make in life affect the choices that others make. And, whether or not it should, the way you choose to look makes a difference.

The good news is that there are all kinds of jobs out there. Chances are you can find a place to work that will embrace your style, such as in the art world, in certain hospitality areas and in telephone marketing.

You also may want to evaluate whether it might be worth it to tone down your style for work. Consider your options and determine what is more important -- your wallet or your individuality.