DEAR HARRIETTE: After my twin girls started kindergarten, the school officials gave them a test to see if they could be skipped to the first grade. One of my daughters passed the test and was able to go to the first grade, while the other did not pass.

I would like to give a gift to the daughter who passed the test. What should I do? Do I give each girl a gift for trying her best? Or do I just reward one and not the other? -- Momma Drama, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR MOMMA DRAMA: I understand your desire to celebrate your daughter's success, but I recommend that you look at the situation differently.

Each girl has been put in her perfect grade, where she can learn best. Without giving gifts, you can honor each of them by having a special family dinner or other small gathering at which you acknowledge the right fit for each of them.

You don't want your daughters to be overly competitive with each other, or for the one who remains in kindergarten to feel that she has been left behind. Because they are twins, they are often together. Perhaps this will become their opportunity to go their individual ways, without one way being better than the other. Instead, each path is best suited for each girl.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-wife came to an event that I co-hosted recently, and with a man other than her husband of five years. I was shocked to see her, but even more alarmed to see her all hugged-up with another dude. I know she's still married. We have mutual friends who keep me abreast of certain things, even though she and I have been apart for years.

It was awkward. I wanted to ask her who the dude was, but it's not really my business, so I left it alone. It's eating at me, though.

I know that when she broke up with me, she had already started hanging out with another dude. Now she comes up in my space flaunting this new one. My stomach hurts. Should I try to find her husband and school him on this? -- Uncomfortable Observer, Los Angeles

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE OBSERVER: As tempting as it may be to get in the middle of your ex's mess, resist the temptation! This is none of your business. It is strange, though.

I'm sure you have already asked yourself why she chose to come to your event in the first place, and with a man to whom she isn't married. Could it be that she is trying to get you all worked up? If so, don't buy into it.

Clearly, you two got divorced years ago for a reason. Let that reason stick, and chalk this experience up to being odd. Don't fuel the flames by reporting back to your friends about what you saw. Drop it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Three of my close friends and I were invited to a mutual friend's party. I made the assumption that our fourth close friend was also invited since we all know each other well. I was wrong. Because of my assumption, I casually asked this friend what she was wearing to the party, as we always do before we are getting ready for an event. She didn't know what I was talking about. The more I explained myself, the worse it got. I quickly figured out that I had made a mess of things.

I know the hostess doesn't have to invite anybody she doesn't want to invite. I made an honest mistake, but now our friend is feeling left out. What can I do to fix it? -- Party Pooper, Racine, Wis.

DEAR PARTY POOPER: You did make an honest mistake, one that I hope will teach you not to talk with others about outside events unless you are sure they've been invited.

It is not unusual for a host not to invite every single friend in a group to an event. I wonder if friend No. 4 was singled out and not invited for a reason. Perhaps there is an issue between her and the hostess of which you are unaware. Or your friend just may not have made the guest list. Or it could have been an oversight.

Rather than digging an even deeper hole, stop. Apologize for putting your foot in your mouth. Tell your friend you are sorry that you made things awkward. Don't create a long and drawn-out scenario by evaluating the situation with your friend.

You may want to tell the hostess that you told your other friend. Then if it comes up, she won't be blindsided.

To party givers I will say that it is important to think about who is on your guest list. If you invite a group of friends, be sure to include all the key members. Leaving out one member of a group usually leads to discomfort -- the opposite feeling you want to evoke as you prepare for your celebration.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother came to visit to help me with a project I was working on. We had a great time together, but she also was supercritical of the way I live. It's fair to say that I am not the neatest person, and she let me have it. I didn't want to hear it, and I was pretty short with her when she made her comments. Should I apologize? -- Embarrassed, Washington, D.C.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Mothers are often right. Absolutely apologize if you were rude to her. Admit that you know you need to clean up your act. If you have the courage to do so, ask your mother for suggestions on how to approach your mess. She may be able to provide some insight. Beyond that, get organizational support if you can afford it. Strategic help may be the answer to your problem.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a guy at a social event who cornered me and told me the saddest sob story about his life. I wanted to be nice to him, but it was the wrong setting to have that type of discussion. Plus, I'm not a therapist. He was so persistent that he got my card. I don't want to continue the conversation, though. I cannot help him. He needs professional help.

When he calls, which I'm sure he will, what should I say to him? I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's already fragile, but I need to protect myself as well. -- Cornered, New York

DEAR CORNERED: When this man calls, tell him immediately that you think he deserves to have professional help to support him through this time in his life. Admit that you do not have the skills to help him. If he presses you, as is likely, firmly tell him that you were happy to meet him at the event but that you cannot get together.

In the future, if someone corners you at an event, you can end the conversation. You can say something kind to the person about his or her life and then add that the event is the wrong setting to discuss such matters. Say goodbye and walk away. If asked to get together privately, just say you can't.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so mad at myself. I didn't trust my instincts and I am now paying the price. I met a woman who seemed to have it together but was a little down on her luck. She asked me if I could find any work for her. I talked to her a few times and she seemed nice and efficient, although she definitely talked too much. I had a project that I thought would be a home run for her. She would have to be social and professional at once. Part of me thought she might be too talkative, but I decided to give her a chance.

What a mistake. She stood around talking for about an hour and a half at a function where she was supposed to be working. When she wasn't talking, she was checking her email or eating. Everybody else I had brought into the project was busy working. When I mentioned her behavior to her repeatedly, she didn't improve significantly. I'm definitely not going to hire her again, but I wonder if I should say something to her about her behavior. --Disappointed, Rochester, N.Y.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: The key lesson for you is trusting your instincts. I get that you want to help people in need, but it works only if you match people to their skills and abilities. If the voice inside is telling you "no," follow its lead.

It would be so generous for you to talk to this woman and describe your observations about her behavior to her. Especially since you know that she has been unsuccessfully looking for work, you may want to share your understanding about what may be keeping her from employment. Slacking off on the job is at the top of the list. She may get mad at you, but your charity in this way is priceless.