DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a guy at a social event who cornered me and told me the saddest sob story about his life. I wanted to be nice to him, but it was the wrong setting to have that type of discussion. Plus, I'm not a therapist. He was so persistent that he got my card. I don't want to continue the conversation, though. I cannot help him. He needs professional help.

When he calls, which I'm sure he will, what should I say to him? I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's already fragile, but I need to protect myself as well. -- Cornered, New York

DEAR CORNERED: When this man calls, tell him immediately that you think he deserves to have professional help to support him through this time in his life. Admit that you do not have the skills to help him. If he presses you, as is likely, firmly tell him that you were happy to meet him at the event but that you cannot get together.

In the future, if someone corners you at an event, you can end the conversation. You can say something kind to the person about his or her life and then add that the event is the wrong setting to discuss such matters. Say goodbye and walk away. If asked to get together privately, just say you can't.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so mad at myself. I didn't trust my instincts and I am now paying the price. I met a woman who seemed to have it together but was a little down on her luck. She asked me if I could find any work for her. I talked to her a few times and she seemed nice and efficient, although she definitely talked too much. I had a project that I thought would be a home run for her. She would have to be social and professional at once. Part of me thought she might be too talkative, but I decided to give her a chance.

What a mistake. She stood around talking for about an hour and a half at a function where she was supposed to be working. When she wasn't talking, she was checking her email or eating. Everybody else I had brought into the project was busy working. When I mentioned her behavior to her repeatedly, she didn't improve significantly. I'm definitely not going to hire her again, but I wonder if I should say something to her about her behavior. --Disappointed, Rochester, N.Y.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: The key lesson for you is trusting your instincts. I get that you want to help people in need, but it works only if you match people to their skills and abilities. If the voice inside is telling you "no," follow its lead.

It would be so generous for you to talk to this woman and describe your observations about her behavior to her. Especially since you know that she has been unsuccessfully looking for work, you may want to share your understanding about what may be keeping her from employment. Slacking off on the job is at the top of the list. She may get mad at you, but your charity in this way is priceless.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have had cats for a long time. We have a granddaughter who is 11 years old. She has recently developed an allergy to cats. She used to visit often, but her parents say she and her sister are no longer allowed to come to our house.

I know that sleeping over is probably out. But couldn't she take some medication or do something else that would allow her to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas? At most, it would mean coming over for two or three hours every few months. We have a big house, so the cat could be put in one of the upstairs bedrooms while she is here.

Their house is a long drive, and we are getting older. We are in our 70s. -- Miss My Grandchildren, Glenview, Ill.

DEAR MISS MY GRANDCHILDREN: I feel your pain -- and theirs. As someone who is severely allergic to cats, I fully understand why the parents decided not to allow the children to come to your home.

As clean as your home may be, pet dander is nearly impossible to remove completely. Putting the cat upstairs doesn't eliminate its lingering presence throughout the house. For some people, simply walking in the door of a space that has cats triggers a serious reaction in their bodies.

Can your granddaughter take some kind of medication? Maybe. You can ask her parents if they could visit the doctor and find out if there's a way she can visit you without compromising her breathing. But if the parents don't want to do that, perhaps they can schedule regular times to pick up you and your husband to come and visit with them. That way, you wouldn't have to endure the long drive and could still be with your precious grandchildren.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin moved to my town about a year ago, and she has been living with a friend. She needs a new apartment or someplace to stay. She hasn't directly asked me, but I think she wants to. I'm sure my husband would not want to do this. We don't have much room in our small apartment.

But I keep thinking of my grandmother. She used to take in everybody in the family if they needed food or shelter. Am I being selfish by not inviting my cousin to live with us for a while? -- Troubled Relative, East Orange, N.J.

DEAR TROUBLED RELATIVE: It used to be that families took in loved ones, no questions asked, for as long as needed. Some families continue to do that today. This does not mean that you are required to do so.

You must talk with your husband and make a family decision about how you can support your cousin. If she is in desperate need, you could consider inviting her to stay with you for a limited, specific period. You could help her find housing. Or you could just stay close to make sure she is OK during her search. Do what works for you, but do remain connected to her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend from many years ago has stayed close to me all this time. I recently invited him to an event I was having, and he happily came. If I tell the truth, I know I still care a lot for him, but it never worked out for us to be a couple. Since he has remained supportive and stays in my life in a nice way, I am happy.

I'm not happy, though, about what happened at my event. At a certain point, he met a family member who just came back into my life. He asked her to go out with him on a date. When she told me about it, I was devastated. Even though he isn't dating me, I can't imagine that he would think it's cool to date my cousin. How can I handle this? -- Sad, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SAD: It sounds like you haven't gotten over your feelings for this man. This could be because you keep him in your life. It could be because he chooses to stay and toy with your emotions -- consciously or otherwise.

As for the question of whether someone should be able to date an ex's relative or good friend, there are many opinions. Since it's likely in your case that he knew this would hurt your feelings, his actions are either unconscious or uncaring.

Tell your ex-boyfriend that you want him to draw the line for his relationships outside of your sphere of loved ones. And tell yourself it's time to let go of those lingering emotions.

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is a large question in my mind regarding "Brokenhearted" and her lunch with the ex-boyfriend. He is an EX-boyfriend, so they no longer have a relationship. So what was he really up to by inviting her to lunch to meet his fiancee? Was his purpose to rub it in her face, or was he requesting his ex-girlfriend's approval? Give me a break already. He was rubbing it in her face!

I've been on the planet for nearly 75 years, and I've never, ever heard of a situation like the one described by "Brokenhearted." Perhaps his goal was to make his fiancee jealous. This guy sounds like a loser, and "Brokenhearted" should forget about him and look for a new relationship. I suspect he will be looking, too, as the fiancee must already wonder what the purpose of the luncheon was! --Unconvinced, Chicago

DEAR UNCONVINCED: Thank you for sharing your wisdom regarding this situation. It may be rare for someone to innocently seek a former partner's approval of a new partner. Given that in this situation the two hadn't broken up long before the man had a new fiancee, you are likely right.

I want to add, though, that I have heard many stories of exes who become friends and some who -- usually years later -- ask for their exes' approval of their new partners. Perhaps in some of these scenarios they ask because they think their ex has a much better understanding of whether someone would make a good partner for them. Selfish, yes.

But even in those situations, unresolved feelings are often lurking. I'm not sure that innocence exists in these kinds of triangulations.