DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have had cats for a long time. We have a granddaughter who is 11 years old. She has recently developed an allergy to cats. She used to visit often, but her parents say she and her sister are no longer allowed to come to our house.

I know that sleeping over is probably out. But couldn't she take some medication or do something else that would allow her to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas? At most, it would mean coming over for two or three hours every few months. We have a big house, so the cat could be put in one of the upstairs bedrooms while she is here.

Their house is a long drive, and we are getting older. We are in our 70s. -- Miss My Grandchildren, Glenview, Ill.

DEAR MISS MY GRANDCHILDREN: I feel your pain -- and theirs. As someone who is severely allergic to cats, I fully understand why the parents decided not to allow the children to come to your home.

As clean as your home may be, pet dander is nearly impossible to remove completely. Putting the cat upstairs doesn't eliminate its lingering presence throughout the house. For some people, simply walking in the door of a space that has cats triggers a serious reaction in their bodies.

Can your granddaughter take some kind of medication? Maybe. You can ask her parents if they could visit the doctor and find out if there's a way she can visit you without compromising her breathing. But if the parents don't want to do that, perhaps they can schedule regular times to pick up you and your husband to come and visit with them. That way, you wouldn't have to endure the long drive and could still be with your precious grandchildren.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin moved to my town about a year ago, and she has been living with a friend. She needs a new apartment or someplace to stay. She hasn't directly asked me, but I think she wants to. I'm sure my husband would not want to do this. We don't have much room in our small apartment.

But I keep thinking of my grandmother. She used to take in everybody in the family if they needed food or shelter. Am I being selfish by not inviting my cousin to live with us for a while? -- Troubled Relative, East Orange, N.J.

DEAR TROUBLED RELATIVE: It used to be that families took in loved ones, no questions asked, for as long as needed. Some families continue to do that today. This does not mean that you are required to do so.

You must talk with your husband and make a family decision about how you can support your cousin. If she is in desperate need, you could consider inviting her to stay with you for a limited, specific period. You could help her find housing. Or you could just stay close to make sure she is OK during her search. Do what works for you, but do remain connected to her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend from many years ago has stayed close to me all this time. I recently invited him to an event I was having, and he happily came. If I tell the truth, I know I still care a lot for him, but it never worked out for us to be a couple. Since he has remained supportive and stays in my life in a nice way, I am happy.

I'm not happy, though, about what happened at my event. At a certain point, he met a family member who just came back into my life. He asked her to go out with him on a date. When she told me about it, I was devastated. Even though he isn't dating me, I can't imagine that he would think it's cool to date my cousin. How can I handle this? -- Sad, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SAD: It sounds like you haven't gotten over your feelings for this man. This could be because you keep him in your life. It could be because he chooses to stay and toy with your emotions -- consciously or otherwise.

As for the question of whether someone should be able to date an ex's relative or good friend, there are many opinions. Since it's likely in your case that he knew this would hurt your feelings, his actions are either unconscious or uncaring.

Tell your ex-boyfriend that you want him to draw the line for his relationships outside of your sphere of loved ones. And tell yourself it's time to let go of those lingering emotions.

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is a large question in my mind regarding "Brokenhearted" and her lunch with the ex-boyfriend. He is an EX-boyfriend, so they no longer have a relationship. So what was he really up to by inviting her to lunch to meet his fiancee? Was his purpose to rub it in her face, or was he requesting his ex-girlfriend's approval? Give me a break already. He was rubbing it in her face!

I've been on the planet for nearly 75 years, and I've never, ever heard of a situation like the one described by "Brokenhearted." Perhaps his goal was to make his fiancee jealous. This guy sounds like a loser, and "Brokenhearted" should forget about him and look for a new relationship. I suspect he will be looking, too, as the fiancee must already wonder what the purpose of the luncheon was! --Unconvinced, Chicago

DEAR UNCONVINCED: Thank you for sharing your wisdom regarding this situation. It may be rare for someone to innocently seek a former partner's approval of a new partner. Given that in this situation the two hadn't broken up long before the man had a new fiancee, you are likely right.

I want to add, though, that I have heard many stories of exes who become friends and some who -- usually years later -- ask for their exes' approval of their new partners. Perhaps in some of these scenarios they ask because they think their ex has a much better understanding of whether someone would make a good partner for them. Selfish, yes.

But even in those situations, unresolved feelings are often lurking. I'm not sure that innocence exists in these kinds of triangulations.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The "Maturing Too Fast" mom (whose husband wanted their daughter to cut ties with a 9-year-old friend who had started her period) is on the right track. Please use this as an opportunity to discuss the subject with your daughter!

For a variety of reasons, girls seem to be entering puberty sooner, and the better prepared the daughter is, the less traumatic it may be. Not allowing her to associate with her friend anymore is just strange! Where is this dad coming from?

Unfortunately, I had parents who were incredibly uncomfortable with the subject -- I never had "the talk" from them. I knew basically nothing about sex or sexual maturity until I was rudely and horribly awakened to it when I started being abused at age 9 by a trusted person. I had no clue what was going on, only that I thought it was probably wrong.

After three years, I was finally able to tell someone, and in the meantime, my older sister, not my mom, had explained menstruation to me. Had one of them figured it out, or had I felt like I could talk with my parents about "those things," they may have realized what those first instances of spotting actually were -- signs of abuse. Not that I am suggesting it in this case ... I am only strongly urging this mom and dad, and others, to talk to your kids! The more you talk with them now, the more likely they are to come to you with their problems in the future. And notice I said "talking," not lecturing or berating.

I struggled to talk with my daughters about this. I used books, online help and all the resources I could find to help make it easier. Not talking about things with your kids doesn't make the subject go away. It only makes them more likely to not include you in the loop of their life. -- Survivor, Salt Lake City

DEAR SURVIVOR: Parents should talk to their children about their developing bodies, about boundaries, and about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Creating dialogue when children are young helps them feel confident about talking to parents about anything as they mature.

DEAR HARRIETTE: There are far better ways to prepare young girls for getting a period than a five-minute talk (the norm under managed care) by a pediatrician! That "talk" is not a one-time-only discussion, nor should it be solely limited to bodily functions. It should involve values and advice about a girl's body, and can allow even woman-to-woman humor.

My granddaughters loved American Girl dolls, and my daughter-in-law found an American Girl book, "The Care & Keeping of You." It's written for 8- to 9-year-old girls. My oldest granddaughter got her period at age 9, so I was glad she'd been prepared this way.

The point is not to hand a girl such a book and walk away, but to use it to open up discussion and allow questions. "Maturing Too Fast" should start by having her reluctant husband read the book to bring him into the 21st century! He should know that his daughter already knows girls at school who have their periods. She needs two parents who can deal with it helpfully, as adults. -- Prepared, Chicago

DEAR PREPARED: Using a book as a tool to engage in meaningful dialogue is smart.