DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom passed away five years ago. It has been really hard for me and my family, because she held us together. It has been especially difficult for my dad, because my mom usually had the final say in situations.

My dad remarried a year ago, about the time I left for college. She was nice and made my dad happy, so I was happy.

I came home for summer vacation along with my brother, who was also away at school. During our time home, everything changed. My stepmom now thinks she has the final say in our family. She is constantly getting on me and my brother about everything. I'm trying to make do since I'll be leaving for school in a month, but it can be unbearable at times. I'm afraid I'm going to break any second, and I don't want to hurt my dad. What should I do or say? -- Friction at Home, Cincinnati

DEAR FRICTION AT HOME: Getting along with a stepparent takes time. It is natural for you and your brother to bristle over the way your stepmother is behaving, yet her behavior should not be a surprise. She is playing the same role your mother did for all her years, which is something your father probably has asked her to do.

You should work to establish a relationship with your stepmother. Rather than resign yourself to just "making do," ask her if you can have a candid conversation. Tell her that you are happy that she and your father found each other and are building a life together. Explain that you would like to get to know her better.

Acknowledge that you respect her, but tell her that you do not appreciate the way she bears down so hard on you and your brother. Ask her to choose to build a relationship with you so that you can grow to love each other just as she and your father already do.

Speak to your father as well so that he understands your point of view. Because he was never the one to stand up in these situations, though, it's not likely that he is going to be the assertive one now. A book that may inspire you is "Stepmothers and Stepdaughters" by Karen L. Annarino.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend invited me to go to lunch with him and I went, mainly because I miss him. We broke up a few months ago because we were both so busy with school and were not spending enough time together, or at least that's what he told me. When he called to ask me to lunch, I got excited that he wanted to get back together.

When I got to the restaurant, he wasn't alone. It turns out he wanted to introduce me to his fiancee. I was so uncomfortable. I sat quietly and acted nice, but I am devastated. Should I say anything to him? --Brokenhearted, Washington, D.C.

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Let him go. Spend time with your girlfriends and other loved ones and expunge him from your heart. It's not worth addressing unless he calls you again. Then you can tell him you didn't appreciate the way he broke this news to you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend is coming to stay with me for a week. He is allergic to pretty much everything: dairy, shellfish, nuts, etc. I'm nervous, because I cook with a lot of these foods, and if he even gets in contact with them, his eyes puff up and his throat closes.

I don't want to eat out every night, but how can I work around his allergies? What should I do to prepare for his arrival? -- Nervous Host, New Orleans

DEAR NERVOUS HOST: Talk to your friend. Tell him your concerns, and ask him how you can best ensure that he is safe and well-fed.

Ask him exactly which foods he must avoid and whether there is anything you should remove from your home. Ask if he would like to bring particular foods with him. If he participates in the planning, you should be fine.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My siblings have left for college, and I am the last kid at home. My parents, however, seem to think they are the only ones here, because I have heard them having sex quite frequently and loudly. This often occurs when I come home from soccer practice or even when I'm sleeping.

It's great that they love each other and share that, but I don't want to hear it all the time. They have not only woken me up several times at night, but now I can't hang out in the kitchen with my friends after practice, because their room is right above the kitchen, and it is obvious from the sounds what is going on. I'm embarrassed for my friends and frustrated with my parents.

How do I go about asking them to keep it down? -- Need a Muffler, Jacksonville, Fla.

DEAR NEED A MUFFLER: I bet your parents are completely oblivious to how noisy they are. You are right that it's nice to know they are still into each other; however, their noisiness definitely needs to be curbed.

You are going to have to muster the courage to say something to them. I vote for speaking to them when they are together. You can broach the situation in a lighthearted way: "Mom and Dad, I'm so glad you two are in love, but I need you to keep it down. You keep waking me up at night, and I can't invite my friends over anymore because I'm afraid they will hear you having sex."

It's likely they will be mortified. I can't imagine that they want you to hear them having this kind of fun.

After you tell them, you will probably get some relief from their noise. But if they still make a ruckus, knock on their door, blast some music or make another loud noise that can alert them that they are getting too loud again.

DEAR READERS: Now is the time for all of us to shore up our spiritual selves. I say this in the wake of recent senseless shootings at a movie theater in Colorado and a Sikh temple in Wisconsin. Sadly, by the time this column is published, another random act of violence likely will have harmed or even killed someone.

I ask a seemingly rhetorical question: Why?

Although we cannot know for sure why there seems to be a growing epidemic of indiscriminate acts of violence against innocent people, it is clear that many of us are suffering. People are experiencing pain in so many ways -- financial collapse, loss of employment, health challenges, depression, and loss of love or loved ones. When people are in crisis, they sometimes resort to extreme behaviors. Stress can, and too often does, bring out the worst in people.

Mental health professionals recommend that once you realize you are stressed, it is time to reach out for help. One consultant, Pat Ward (www.patwardconsulting.com), notes that when people are living in stress, they often exhibit behaviors that do not serve them well, such as making excuses, rushing to judgment, complaining and being self-righteous. They usually don't even realize they are behaving badly.

Ward recommends working with a consultant who uses the Birkman Method of personality testing (www.birkman.com) to help you identify how you think and how you can address the way you react. This is particularly helpful when you are crippled by stress.

Other experts recommend seeking spiritual counsel that can support you when you are feeling unsteady. Exercise can help as well.

The point is that we have to turn the tide in our behavior and recognize that we are not alone, that help is at the ready, that we can survive the challenges that come our way. Too often, people isolate themselves when they are feeling down. This is not the best course of action, based on all of the research that I have done with consultants, spiritual advisers and fitness counselors.

Families are grieving all over our nation and beyond because of heartless, violent public outbursts. Let's do all that we can to end this behavior. We can choose to take care of ourselves, remain ever mindful of those around us, and actively offer love to those in our midst.