DEAR READERS: Now is the time for all of us to shore up our spiritual selves. I say this in the wake of recent senseless shootings at a movie theater in Colorado and a Sikh temple in Wisconsin. Sadly, by the time this column is published, another random act of violence likely will have harmed or even killed someone.

I ask a seemingly rhetorical question: Why?

Although we cannot know for sure why there seems to be a growing epidemic of indiscriminate acts of violence against innocent people, it is clear that many of us are suffering. People are experiencing pain in so many ways -- financial collapse, loss of employment, health challenges, depression, and loss of love or loved ones. When people are in crisis, they sometimes resort to extreme behaviors. Stress can, and too often does, bring out the worst in people.

Mental health professionals recommend that once you realize you are stressed, it is time to reach out for help. One consultant, Pat Ward (www.patwardconsulting.com), notes that when people are living in stress, they often exhibit behaviors that do not serve them well, such as making excuses, rushing to judgment, complaining and being self-righteous. They usually don't even realize they are behaving badly.

Ward recommends working with a consultant who uses the Birkman Method of personality testing (www.birkman.com) to help you identify how you think and how you can address the way you react. This is particularly helpful when you are crippled by stress.

Other experts recommend seeking spiritual counsel that can support you when you are feeling unsteady. Exercise can help as well.

The point is that we have to turn the tide in our behavior and recognize that we are not alone, that help is at the ready, that we can survive the challenges that come our way. Too often, people isolate themselves when they are feeling down. This is not the best course of action, based on all of the research that I have done with consultants, spiritual advisers and fitness counselors.

Families are grieving all over our nation and beyond because of heartless, violent public outbursts. Let's do all that we can to end this behavior. We can choose to take care of ourselves, remain ever mindful of those around us, and actively offer love to those in our midst.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My office mate went on a planned vacation and had a great time, so great that she stayed an extra week and a half. When she returned, she didn't apologize for her delay in returning. Instead, she chastised me for not completing a project on time. Well, I needed her participation. She had a big role in getting this proposal together. I did my best, but we have different levels of expertise.

Now she's angry, but she doesn't accept any responsibility for her role in this. I feel like I need to address the situation. I'm not mad that she had a good vacation, but I am upset that she shirked her responsibilities and is now blaming me for her actions. -- Teed Off, Detroit

DEAR TEED OFF: By all means, talk to your office mate about what happened. You can genuinely apologize for missing the deadline and then point out that you think the deadline was missed because she did not do her part. Review the timeline that you two had established, and point out where you see discrepancies.

State the obvious -- that your office mate overstayed her vacation and, in turn, was not at the office and focused on the work that she needed to handle. Acknowledge that time off is important but that doing what you agree to do for your job is of equal value.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think you missed the boat in your reply to "Upgrade My Man" and in telling her ways to encourage her husband to dress better. She is trying to CHANGE him! She is disrespecting him, and he will not like it. She needs to be grateful if she has a good man and leave him alone. If not, some other woman will like him in his sloppy clothes, and he will be drawn to a woman who does not criticize or manipulate him. -- Happily Married Woman, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED WOMAN: So many people have commented on this topic that I wanted to add your voice and continue the discussion a bit.

On the one hand, I understand your position that you should not try to "change" your partner. That effort usually ends miserably, primarily because change is tough. Even if a person wants to change, it can be one of the most difficult tasks to complete with success -- whether the change is cosmetic, behavioral or otherwise. Further, the goal in a marriage should not be to change your spouse but instead to offer unconditional love.

I also think, however, that there is nothing wrong with asking your partner to dress up on occasion and do something special together. I don't know why that has to seem like manipulation. And it certainly should not be conveyed as criticism. The way you handle any situation is what's most important.

Should you lose sleep over your husband's sloppy attire? Of course not. But an occasional festive change of clothes doesn't seem to me to be too much to ask.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have applied to go back to finish my college degree, and I'm excited about the prospects. I have been having some difficulty gathering my previous transcripts and some other material the college wants from me. The process is taking way more time than I had planned, and it's affecting my work.

I haven't told my boss about my plan to go back to school, because I'm going to do it at night. But now I think I have to tell him so that he understands why I have needed to handle so much personal business recently. How can I bring it up without upsetting him? -- Nervous Student, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR NERVOUS STUDENT: I want you to take a deep breath and think about your life and this moment in perspective. You are doing a great thing by preparing to continue your education. You should be proud of your efforts and remain focused on completing all the necessary details. This includes being responsible at work.

Schedule a meeting with your boss and lay out your plan. Tell him that your night school courses should not affect your job. Describe what you are going through right now to get everything squared away, and apologize for being somewhat distracted of late. Ask for his support for the next few days or weeks, and promise to wrap up the details as soon as possible. He likely will be relieved to know why you have been behaving differently and proud of your ambition. But you have to do your job.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am hosting a small party to introduce my mom to some of my friends. She is coming in town from the West Coast, and she has met hardly any of my friends. She is pretty shy, so she doesn't want me to plan anything elaborate. She asked me to keep the numbers down. How do I pick whom to invite, and how do I handle the others so their feelings aren't hurt? -- Celebrating Mama, Chicago

DEAR CELEBRATING MAMA: With strategy, you can honor your mother's wishes and care for your friends.

Look at your circle of friends. Identify the 10 to whom you feel closest and the ones you think will connect well with your mother. You may be surprised at how easy this can be: Most people do not have more than 10 super-close friends.

Also recognize which friends are more peripheral. You don't have to invite them, and you don't have to tell them you are hosting a party. You have the right to invite whomever you want to an event. If you don't advertise that you are doing it, you reduce hurt feelings. If someone finds out about the party and asks why he or she wasn't invited, simply say that it was a small gathering.

If your mother will be in town for a while, you may want to schedule lunches with any friends who cannot come to the party.