DEAR HARRIETTE: My office mate went on a planned vacation and had a great time, so great that she stayed an extra week and a half. When she returned, she didn't apologize for her delay in returning. Instead, she chastised me for not completing a project on time. Well, I needed her participation. She had a big role in getting this proposal together. I did my best, but we have different levels of expertise.

Now she's angry, but she doesn't accept any responsibility for her role in this. I feel like I need to address the situation. I'm not mad that she had a good vacation, but I am upset that she shirked her responsibilities and is now blaming me for her actions. -- Teed Off, Detroit

DEAR TEED OFF: By all means, talk to your office mate about what happened. You can genuinely apologize for missing the deadline and then point out that you think the deadline was missed because she did not do her part. Review the timeline that you two had established, and point out where you see discrepancies.

State the obvious -- that your office mate overstayed her vacation and, in turn, was not at the office and focused on the work that she needed to handle. Acknowledge that time off is important but that doing what you agree to do for your job is of equal value.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think you missed the boat in your reply to "Upgrade My Man" and in telling her ways to encourage her husband to dress better. She is trying to CHANGE him! She is disrespecting him, and he will not like it. She needs to be grateful if she has a good man and leave him alone. If not, some other woman will like him in his sloppy clothes, and he will be drawn to a woman who does not criticize or manipulate him. -- Happily Married Woman, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED WOMAN: So many people have commented on this topic that I wanted to add your voice and continue the discussion a bit.

On the one hand, I understand your position that you should not try to "change" your partner. That effort usually ends miserably, primarily because change is tough. Even if a person wants to change, it can be one of the most difficult tasks to complete with success -- whether the change is cosmetic, behavioral or otherwise. Further, the goal in a marriage should not be to change your spouse but instead to offer unconditional love.

I also think, however, that there is nothing wrong with asking your partner to dress up on occasion and do something special together. I don't know why that has to seem like manipulation. And it certainly should not be conveyed as criticism. The way you handle any situation is what's most important.

Should you lose sleep over your husband's sloppy attire? Of course not. But an occasional festive change of clothes doesn't seem to me to be too much to ask.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have applied to go back to finish my college degree, and I'm excited about the prospects. I have been having some difficulty gathering my previous transcripts and some other material the college wants from me. The process is taking way more time than I had planned, and it's affecting my work.

I haven't told my boss about my plan to go back to school, because I'm going to do it at night. But now I think I have to tell him so that he understands why I have needed to handle so much personal business recently. How can I bring it up without upsetting him? -- Nervous Student, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR NERVOUS STUDENT: I want you to take a deep breath and think about your life and this moment in perspective. You are doing a great thing by preparing to continue your education. You should be proud of your efforts and remain focused on completing all the necessary details. This includes being responsible at work.

Schedule a meeting with your boss and lay out your plan. Tell him that your night school courses should not affect your job. Describe what you are going through right now to get everything squared away, and apologize for being somewhat distracted of late. Ask for his support for the next few days or weeks, and promise to wrap up the details as soon as possible. He likely will be relieved to know why you have been behaving differently and proud of your ambition. But you have to do your job.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am hosting a small party to introduce my mom to some of my friends. She is coming in town from the West Coast, and she has met hardly any of my friends. She is pretty shy, so she doesn't want me to plan anything elaborate. She asked me to keep the numbers down. How do I pick whom to invite, and how do I handle the others so their feelings aren't hurt? -- Celebrating Mama, Chicago

DEAR CELEBRATING MAMA: With strategy, you can honor your mother's wishes and care for your friends.

Look at your circle of friends. Identify the 10 to whom you feel closest and the ones you think will connect well with your mother. You may be surprised at how easy this can be: Most people do not have more than 10 super-close friends.

Also recognize which friends are more peripheral. You don't have to invite them, and you don't have to tell them you are hosting a party. You have the right to invite whomever you want to an event. If you don't advertise that you are doing it, you reduce hurt feelings. If someone finds out about the party and asks why he or she wasn't invited, simply say that it was a small gathering.

If your mother will be in town for a while, you may want to schedule lunches with any friends who cannot come to the party.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I receive endless calls from solicitors asking me to give money for their various causes. If I ever give any company money, I get called over and over again with more pushy requests. I am sick of it. Sometimes I hang up on the people, but I feel bad about that, because I know they are just doing their jobs.

How can I be respectful of solicitors without being stuck on the phone with them when I am not planning on spending money on the day they call? -- Fed Up, Washington, D.C.

DEAR FED UP: If you have caller ID on your phone, you may want to pay closer attention to it. If you do not recognize a number, particularly a toll-free number, let it go to voice mail. Usually solicitors do not leave messages, as they believe they are best at securing solicitations in live conversations.

I understand your temptation to hang up on these callers and your discomfort in so doing. I rarely hang up on them directly. Instead, I interrupt them the moment I figure out what they are pitching.

I usually have to be a bit pushy myself to get a word in. I say, "Excuse me, I don't want to waste your time. Thank you for calling, but I am not interested right now." I sometimes wait for them to say "thank you" and end the conversation, but if I can tell that they are going to ignore me and steamroll through with their prescriptive text, I say "goodbye" and hang up. See if this strategy helps to relieve you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex called to let me know that his mother passed away. He was very upset, and it made me upset, too. She and I were very close when he and I were together. It has been about 10 years since we split, and we have our own lives. I feel kind of bad that I didn't stay in touch with her.

During the call, he asked if I would attend the funeral. I want to do so, but I think my husband might not like it. He knows about my ex, of course, but my ex hasn't been in my life at all over these years. What should I do? -- Funeral Etiquette, Shreveport, La.

DEAR FUNERAL ETIQUETTE: What does your heart say? Pay attention to that voice inside. It sounds as if you would like to attend out of respect for this woman's life and to support your ex.

There's nothing wrong with that -- provided you handle it appropriately with your husband. Don't assume that your husband will disapprove. If you honestly have no untoward feelings for your ex and want to attend out of respect and grief, tell your husband. You can even ask him to join you if he would like.

Most important is for you to be completely forthcoming with your husband so that he understands your position and state of mind.