DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently ran into an acquaintance at a mutual friend's party. Afterward, one of the guests pointed out that my acquaintance had been arrested for a serious crime some years back. I was shocked and didn't believe it until I read an article about the incident.

Normally, it wouldn't make any difference. She and I rarely see each other. But at that gathering she had said she hoped we could rekindle our friendship. Now I'm not so sure. It is true that her offense occurred years ago and has nothing to do with me. But what I learned about her behavior gave me the creeps.

Should I blow her off, ignore what I learned and befriend her again, or ask her about it? -- Unsure, Boston

DEAR UNSURE: Here's an example of how the past often catches up with the future. This woman is trying to live her life after likely trying to repent for her transgressions. If her past behavior could have a negative impact on you, then you may want to either not rekindle the friendship or ask her about it. However, if her past doesn't affect you in any way other than that you learned about it and it's unpleasant, keep it to yourself. I imagine you wouldn't appreciate someone bringing up any indiscretions from your past simply because the person learned about it.

You have the opportunity to decide whether you want this woman in your life. If you want to be friends with her, move forward by accepting her invitation. If you don't, keep things as they are, seeing each other from time to time but without any intimacy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and her boyfriend broke up a few months ago, and, according to her, it was really ugly. I suspected that he was a jerk, but he was worse than I imagined. The second that she lost her job, he was out. He was totally not there for her when she needed him the most. Part of me has wanted to reach out to him and curse him out, but my sister asked me not to say anything.

He called me the other day out of the blue. The call went to voice mail. He acted like everything was normal. I'm wondering if I should call him back and then curse him out or even just see what he wants. What do you think? -- Mad at My Sister's Ex, Detroit

DEAR MAD AT MY SISTER'S EX: He's given you your entree. Yes, you can call him back, but don't begin with a verbal assault. Find out what he has to say for himself. Listen. Before you get off the phone, tell him how angry you are that he was thoughtless and cruel to your sister. He has earned the earful that says he should be ashamed of himself -- but without the expletives.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom had a big job at a top retail company for years. She traveled internationally and was, by all accounts, a big shot. She was fired from her job the other day, and now I am worried about her. She has worked so hard on her career and is so identified with her job. I don't know what she's going to do.

My mom was the principal breadwinner, even though my dad works. I think she and my dad have enough money, at least for now. But it's not the money; it's her. She seems so sad. What can I do to help her feel better? I'm a college student, and she always tries to be there for me when I'm sad. -- Worried, New York

DEAR WORRIED: What makes your mom smile? Think about her favorite foods and favorite activities. While you are at home this summer, invite her to do fun things with you. This may be a chance to spend quality time with your mother that you wouldn't otherwise have because she would have been so busy. Ask your mom to take a break with you and just have fun. Ideas include a day at the spa, a walk in Central Park, going to the movies, hanging out at home or cooking for the family. Pamper her.

You can also trust that your mother will find her way. Anyone who gets fired stings for a bit afterward. But your mother didn't achieve her level of success without being tough and strategic. She will appreciate your tender loving care right now. And she will be back on her feet soon.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I don't have trouble with dating or settling down, but I'm a career-driven woman who won't let anyone put a ring on it.

A good friend alerted me that I may be "selling myself short" by not considering people as lifelong partners. He said I would be lonely by being "picky." I'm afraid that he may be right. I've definitely heard this before, especially from my mother. But I was raised to keep focused on my career; the husband and family will come later.

Now two of my exes, who were absolutely crazy about me, have proposed to their girlfriends, and one of them is expecting a baby. I thought, what if that were me? Am I focusing too hard on success? Will I be that woman who turns 35 and is still looking for the perfect mate?

I'm a 30-year-old woman who has it going on: I have good credit, a nice house and a high-paying job. What more could a woman ask for? It would be nice to have a family, but my career is my priority. -- Successful But Lonely, Miami

DEAR SUCCESSFUL BUT LONELY: You have conflicting views that are making it difficult for you to think clearly about your future. You say you have no trouble settling down, but the rest of your letter suggests that you do.

Clearly, you have been focused on your career. Do you envision yourself creating space for a partner to share your life? What compromises might you be willing to make to welcome someone into your world in that way?

I recommend that you write a list of the qualities you are looking for in a life partner. What appeals to you in a partner? What type of person would you like to share your life, as you share his? Be specific about your desires.

Also, consider your apprehension. Be clear about who you think you are and what you find important in your life as it relates to a family.

None of this means that you should "settle" for someone who doesn't appeal to you. It does mean that you need to get your priorities straight so that you know what you want in a partner and so that you become the partner that person would welcome.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 19-year-old niece just confided in me that she had sex with a young man kind of randomly. The affair is over, and I'm so glad she felt she could talk to me about it. We talked candidly about how exciting the experience probably was and also how dangerous -- for health, emotional and developmental reasons. She gets it. She also said she had already told her mother.

I'm wondering if I should bring it up to her mother, too. Or is it better to not stir the pot but remain available to my niece to talk about her life? We have always had a good relationship. She is headed off to college, and I want her to know that I am always there for her. -- To Stir or Not to Stir, Cincinnati

DEAR TO STIR OR NOT TO STIR: I have learned from firsthand experience that children and young people often feel more comfortable talking about intimacies with adults who are not their parents. That's why godparents and close family friends are important. That African proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child," is real. Consider yourself part of your niece's village.

I don't think you need to call your niece's mother to report what you learned. Rather, you can let her know that you are developing a great rapport with her daughter and that you intend to maintain that closeness while your niece is at school. If ever you believe your niece is in danger, however, you absolutely should tell her mother.

As you cultivate your relationship with your niece, know that if you give a little, you may get a lot. Be prepared to tell stories about your life -- when they are appropriate to the moment -- so that your niece can see how choices affect the future. Make sure you have processed your stories and understand their meaning before you share.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I run a small company that has a relatively casual dress code. Normally we are quite lenient with the way the staff dresses, but as the summer has gotten hotter, the attire has become too bare. Now it's really out of control. Several female employees have worn hot pants, super-low-cut tops and sheer clothes. The young men have begun to sag their pants way below the professional line.

I don't want to come off as an uptight boss, but their attire is distracting. How can I address this, given that we have no written dress code and I haven't said anything before? -- Wardrobe Malfunction, Seattle

DEAR WARDROBE MALFUNCTION: It's never too late to establish ground rules for your company. Since this is new, however, I recommend that you acknowledge as much.

Call a staff meeting. Start by thanking your team members for their hard work. Point out specific positives about their efforts. Then tell them that you do have one concern: how relaxed work attire has become.

Tell them you are instituting a new dress code and outline the parameters, including no sagging, no hot pants, etc. Specify what casual professional attire means to you and ask them to comply.