DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 21 years old and have gone through hell and high water for my mother. We were homeless for nine years after she lost her big government job and, of course, her friends and family bailed on her. (Isn't that always the case?) Since then, I have always stuck by her and bailed her out of whatever nonsense she got herself into. I made sure she had everything she needed (food, clean clothes, a roof over her head, etc.), and I was basically her advocate at social services when they denied her help.

Her life is back to normal (she's now retired and disabled), but she is so used to me taking care of her now that she won't care for herself. I'm beyond frustrated, as you can probably tell, and I'm sick of playing Superman. -- Frustrated Daughter, Alexandria, Va.

DEAR FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER: Your mother needs to develop the skills to take care of herself, skills that she has not learned for a variety of reasons. Hopefully, she has insurance now. With that, you can get her involved in therapy where she can talk about her life and the challenges she faces. Set up the sessions for her and, if it is allowed, attend some of the sessions with her so the therapist can see exactly how your mother looks at the world.

Meanwhile, see if you can get into college or find a job where you will be out of the house and on your own, at least for some of the time. Tell your mother your schedule and explain to her that as much as you love her, you have to live your life.

Step by step, spend more time on your own. When you are with your mother, make it clear that you love her and that she has to be responsible for herself now. Check in on her to ensure that she is OK. The more consistent you can be in contacting her, the easier it will be for you to be apart from her, because she will not feel abandoned.

You need to do this now to establish any semblance of independence. But be prepared to take care of your mother again. The blessing and challenge of having older parents is that usually at some point, the adult children gain the privilege of caring for them into their old age. Unfortunately, you had to do it on the front end as well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend blew off my graduation party, saying he couldn't get a ride. He said he didn't call me because he didn't want to upset me. I care so much for him. How can I get him to know that his strategy hurts? -- Broken-Hearted in Cincinnati

DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED: I'm not sure if your boyfriend is worthy of your devotion, but one way to find out is to tell him what you need. Tell him that you need him to call when he cannot come. Tell him that it hurts your feelings and worries you when he disappears. Ask him to respect you by communicating. If he can't do that, he doesn't deserve you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a mother to three daughters, ages 10, 15 and 18. My 15-year-old daughter has been acting up recently. Her grades have dropped, and I am worried that she is not hanging out with the right crowd. We always get into arguments, and she occasionally tells me that she hates me.

I never went through this with my oldest daughter, and I am worried that the 15-year-old is setting a bad example for my youngest daughter. How do I communicate with my daughter without having another argument? -- Helpless Mother, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR HELPLESS MOTHER: Telling your daughter that she may be a bad influence is unlikely to make her shape up. Instead, start a dialogue with her. Speak calmly and with as much love as you can muster. Your daughter's change in habits indicates that her lifestyle has changed. You must find out how. Ask her how you can support her in her schoolwork, perhaps with a tutor or other type of help. Question her carefully about her friends.

Be strong with her. Let her know that you are concerned about her welfare and that you do not want to argue with her, but that you are not sure how to help. Tell her you have heard stories of other families in which it was difficult for mothers and daughters to get along. Express your desire that this not happen to the two of you.

Finally, establish clear boundaries. If she is unwilling to curtail her behavior and redesign her time so that she can comply with your family values, she must suffer consequences. Otherwise, it will all be talk. Get ready to delineate those consequences by seeking help from your minister, a guidance counselor at school (when school resumes) or an independent counselor.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine has been looking for a job for a few months after being laid off from his previous job. After another failed job interview, he came to visit me for some coffee.

When I answered the door, I was shocked to find my friend dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. I asked him if he went to the interview like that, and he informed me that he goes to all his interviews in jeans. He obviously was also not wearing deodorant, as he smelled really bad.

He is sensitive and vulnerable because he is not getting any jobs, so how do I tell him that if he dressed better he would have a better chance at getting employed? -- Can't Believe My Eyes, Washington, D.C.

DEAR CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES: Tough love is called for in this situation. Tell your friend that you think he needs to get his act together before he goes back out on an interview. That means taking a shower, putting on a suit and brushing up on his interviewing skills. Otherwise, it's likely he will be unemployed indefinitely.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Shopping in grocery or department stores is getting dangerous these days. I have lived in downtown Chicago for 50-plus years around several grocery stores, and I have encountered the same rude and mean-spirited behavior, mostly from women, in all of them. I have never known so many people to be so rude.

I was at a self-checkout in a top grocery store, scanning my groceries, when a woman walked into the store and kicked my grocery cart onto my foot, leaving a long scratch mark on my shoe.

I was in a different top market yesterday, waiting for my cooked food, when a woman pushed her grocery cart over my foot, hitting the back of my leg.

I was in yet another grocery store picking out fresh berries when a woman turned in my direction, reached over my face and arm to pick up cartons of berries, put them down and walked away.

My question is this: What can a civil shopper do when it seems to be the trend these days to be rude to people and get away with it? I mentioned each of these cases to the security guard and management in these stores, and I was told that the stores cannot do or say anything involving customers' behavior. The store manager said that if I responded to the rude person with rudeness, security would call the police.

No decent person wants to cause a scene and go to jail. What other choices do people have when they are trying to shop and get attacked by intentionally rude people? -- Outraged, Chicago

 DEAR OUTRAGED: I'm wondering if you can speak to future offenders using a strong, clear, authoritative tone, warning the person to be careful around you. If someone begins to reach across, speak up and ask the person to give you a moment to complete your selection. Speak loudly enough for the person to hear you, but without attitude that could spark an incendiary situation. It is possible to be proactive in the moment and still soothing to the other shopper, who is likely unaware of his or her rudeness. You can also ask these stores to create policies that encourage thoughtful behavior among customers.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a student who lives in an expensive area. I am eating a lot of fast food, as it is a cheaper option. However, I know how bad fast food is. Do you have any suggestions for how to eat healthier while on a budget? -- Broke, Manhattan, N.Y.

DEAR BROKE: It's time to go to the grocery store and start buying food that you can prepare for yourself. It's so much more affordable. Also, you can buy prepared foods at grocery stores for far less than they would cost at a restaurant. Chances are, these foods will be fresher and healthier, too.