DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a mother to three daughters, ages 10, 15 and 18. My 15-year-old daughter has been acting up recently. Her grades have dropped, and I am worried that she is not hanging out with the right crowd. We always get into arguments, and she occasionally tells me that she hates me.

I never went through this with my oldest daughter, and I am worried that the 15-year-old is setting a bad example for my youngest daughter. How do I communicate with my daughter without having another argument? -- Helpless Mother, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR HELPLESS MOTHER: Telling your daughter that she may be a bad influence is unlikely to make her shape up. Instead, start a dialogue with her. Speak calmly and with as much love as you can muster. Your daughter's change in habits indicates that her lifestyle has changed. You must find out how. Ask her how you can support her in her schoolwork, perhaps with a tutor or other type of help. Question her carefully about her friends.

Be strong with her. Let her know that you are concerned about her welfare and that you do not want to argue with her, but that you are not sure how to help. Tell her you have heard stories of other families in which it was difficult for mothers and daughters to get along. Express your desire that this not happen to the two of you.

Finally, establish clear boundaries. If she is unwilling to curtail her behavior and redesign her time so that she can comply with your family values, she must suffer consequences. Otherwise, it will all be talk. Get ready to delineate those consequences by seeking help from your minister, a guidance counselor at school (when school resumes) or an independent counselor.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine has been looking for a job for a few months after being laid off from his previous job. After another failed job interview, he came to visit me for some coffee.

When I answered the door, I was shocked to find my friend dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. I asked him if he went to the interview like that, and he informed me that he goes to all his interviews in jeans. He obviously was also not wearing deodorant, as he smelled really bad.

He is sensitive and vulnerable because he is not getting any jobs, so how do I tell him that if he dressed better he would have a better chance at getting employed? -- Can't Believe My Eyes, Washington, D.C.

DEAR CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES: Tough love is called for in this situation. Tell your friend that you think he needs to get his act together before he goes back out on an interview. That means taking a shower, putting on a suit and brushing up on his interviewing skills. Otherwise, it's likely he will be unemployed indefinitely.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Shopping in grocery or department stores is getting dangerous these days. I have lived in downtown Chicago for 50-plus years around several grocery stores, and I have encountered the same rude and mean-spirited behavior, mostly from women, in all of them. I have never known so many people to be so rude.

I was at a self-checkout in a top grocery store, scanning my groceries, when a woman walked into the store and kicked my grocery cart onto my foot, leaving a long scratch mark on my shoe.

I was in a different top market yesterday, waiting for my cooked food, when a woman pushed her grocery cart over my foot, hitting the back of my leg.

I was in yet another grocery store picking out fresh berries when a woman turned in my direction, reached over my face and arm to pick up cartons of berries, put them down and walked away.

My question is this: What can a civil shopper do when it seems to be the trend these days to be rude to people and get away with it? I mentioned each of these cases to the security guard and management in these stores, and I was told that the stores cannot do or say anything involving customers' behavior. The store manager said that if I responded to the rude person with rudeness, security would call the police.

No decent person wants to cause a scene and go to jail. What other choices do people have when they are trying to shop and get attacked by intentionally rude people? -- Outraged, Chicago

 DEAR OUTRAGED: I'm wondering if you can speak to future offenders using a strong, clear, authoritative tone, warning the person to be careful around you. If someone begins to reach across, speak up and ask the person to give you a moment to complete your selection. Speak loudly enough for the person to hear you, but without attitude that could spark an incendiary situation. It is possible to be proactive in the moment and still soothing to the other shopper, who is likely unaware of his or her rudeness. You can also ask these stores to create policies that encourage thoughtful behavior among customers.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a student who lives in an expensive area. I am eating a lot of fast food, as it is a cheaper option. However, I know how bad fast food is. Do you have any suggestions for how to eat healthier while on a budget? -- Broke, Manhattan, N.Y.

DEAR BROKE: It's time to go to the grocery store and start buying food that you can prepare for yourself. It's so much more affordable. Also, you can buy prepared foods at grocery stores for far less than they would cost at a restaurant. Chances are, these foods will be fresher and healthier, too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read the letter from "In a Tizzy," the woman who was panicked because her mother-in-law was coming to visit her very messy home. I would like to tell "Tizzy" to straighten up her house and find places where all the stuff that's lying around can be put away neatly. For the deep cleaning that is really needed -- bathrooms and kitchen cleaned to perfection -- consider calling a service for a one-time house going-over. (Do this a day or two before the guest's arrival.) The service's employees will dust blinds and vacuum thoroughly -- everything sparkles.

I had a knee replacement, and while I was in a rehab home, my husband had a service come in and really deep-clean our home. I had not been able to do much for several months before surgery. Wow, what a wonderful surprise when I came home!

Tizzy's mother-in-law will be shocked when there is nothing she can complain about. Whatever Tizzy does, she should not tell her mother-in-law who did the cleaning but instead let her think Tizzy's skills have improved. While the guest is there, Tizzy should pick up every day and do dishes immediately; leave nothing lying around. Run a duster around when it needs it.

Just a thought! I know a cleaning service can be a bit expensive, depending on your finances, but it may be worth it just to see the mother-in-law's reaction. Enjoy your column. -- Cleaning Up, Chicago

DEAR CLEANING UP: If "In a Tizzy's" home is not too messy, she may be able to follow your very sound suggestion: Clean up some, and get help for the heavy lifting. Some people can tidy up effectively, especially if they put their minds to it.

If you cannot afford to hire someone to help, ask a trusted friend to join you in tossing out what needs to go. Push past any embarrassment you may feel. Chances are that you can weather a best friend's furrowed brow more easily than a critical relative's.

I do want to caution, though, that some people get stuck in a mess way before they are able to see their way clear to putting things away neatly. This may be impossible to grasp for someone who is neat, but messy people can find it a debilitating effort.

DEAR HARRIETTE: By all means, tell your reader who was debating whether to contact a relative to get in touch! I had not seen or spoken to a few of my cousins in years, but circumstances brought us to the same city or together for college and, unfortunately, funerals. It was like we never left one another! It had been about 40 years since I had seen some of them. Catching up was amazing! Since some of our parents had passed, it was nice "filling in the holes" regarding our parents, too. 

Since seeing each other, we keep in contact. And due to a recent return by a "long lost" cousin to the city of all of our births, our kids have become friends as well as relatives. -- Reconciled, Downers Grove, Ill.

DEAR RECONCILED: I'm all for making up and moving on. Life is so short. Savor every moment you can.