life

Working From Home Puts a Crimp in Social Life

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 19th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: Two months ago, my supervisor told me I would be working from home. When I heard the news, I became sad. Although working from home has its advantages -- I save on gas and commuting time -- I miss seeing my co-workers in person. When I worked in the office, it was easy to go to dinner or grab a drink after work. Nowadays, I'm having a hard time trying to catch up with my friends from work.

I'm having second thoughts about working from home, and I'm afraid to tell my supervisor. What should I do? -- Off-Site Worker, St. Louis

DEAR OFF-SITE WORKER: I can hear my older sister Susan saying, "Get a life." She is always direct, and sometimes harsh, but the point is that work is work.

While you obviously have grown fond of your co-workers, you must remember that your job is not, nor should it be, your life. It's fine to have cultivated friendships at work, but it's important for you to see things for what they are.

Now is the time to evaluate your personal life and figure out how to enrich it. This includes expanding your pool of contacts and friendships. Is there anybody you feel close to who may want to go out for dinner or drinks? What relationships would you like to cultivate further? Focus on those.

Of course, if you have key co-workers who are now true friends, invite them to hang out from time to time. But mostly, do your job as efficiently as you can so that your boss and co-workers will keep you top of mind even though you aren't physically present.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I need some advice on how to stay cool in the heat. I have two small dogs, and I'm not excited about leaving the air conditioning on at my house while I'm at work. Do you know of some cost-effective ways to stay cool this summer without breaking the bank? -- Hot Times, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR HOT TIMES: You have two issues -- how to deal with the heat for yourself and for your pets.

For your pets, I would recommend that when it is sweltering, you may want to keep the air conditioning on if you think your home will get too hot. Perhaps you can keep the dogs in one room with a separate air conditioner so that you aren't cooling your entire home. You can fill their water bowls with ice so the water will stay cool longer. On bearable days, keep a fan blowing instead of using the air conditioning.

For yourself, choose to engage in fun activities after the sun goes down, when it's cooler outside. Go to air-conditioned venues, such as museums, movie theaters and libraries. Visit the local pool when you need relief from the heat. I found an article with additional ideas in your area that you may want to consider: ilovememphisblog.com/2010/06/11-ways-to-stay-cool-in-memphis-this-summer.

life

Dad Will Get Sober on His Own Schedule

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 18th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I would like to encourage my father to stop drinking alcoholic beverages. Ever since I was a child, I can remember my dad having a drink in his hand. I am now 40 years old and he is 62, and I would like for him to stop and live the best life possible.

He works as a doorman, and I visited him the other day. While I was standing with him, one of the tenants said he would be bringing my dad his bottle a little later. I couldn't believe my ears. I'm afraid my father might lose his job if he drinks at work, too. What can I say to encourage him to stop drinking? -- Daddy's Boy, Chicago

DEAR DADDY'S BOY: I'm sure you already know that you cannot actually get someone to stop drinking if he or she doesn't want to stop. You can bring it up, though.

You could tell your father that you know he has been a drinker for years and that you are concerned about his health. Tell your father you love him and want him to be healthy. Express your concern that his constant drinking over so many years is wearing on his body.

Add that you heard the exchange with the tenant and that you worry he might lose his job if he drinks at work.

There's no way to know how your father will respond. But it would be good to at least voice your concerns out loud to him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to a party at the home of a friend. When I called to see if another friend was attending, I learned that she was not. Instead, she and another friend of mine are going to a different party. I agreed to go to the first party only because I thought I would be with these friends, whom I really like.

I don't know how to handle this. Should I tell my friends that I would rather hang out with them? I wasn't invited to go to the other party, even after I made a couple of suggestive remarks to feel out an invitation. What should I do? -- Feeling Rejected, Laredo, Texas

DEAR FEELING REJECTED: If you have already attempted to get yourself invited to the other party and your friends didn't take the bait, leave it alone. As uncomfortable as this may be, there is no reason to think that you should be invited to everything that your friends attend.

Why not go to the event to which you were invited and enjoy yourself? If you focus on what's before you rather than belaboring the lack of an invitation to the other event, you will be more comfortable. When you step back, you will see that the others are still your friends, even if you missed out on this particular activity.

life

Dirty Dad Needs to Clean Up His Act

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 17th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm living with my father for the summer so that I can be closer to my job. Every day, I clean the living room and bedrooms. But no matter how much I clean, the next day it always seems to be even dirtier.

I don't understand why my father does not understand the concept of cleanliness at his age! I don't know whether he's too lazy or just does not notice it. How can I appropriately insist that he clean up after himself? -- In a Mess, Jacksonville, Fla.

DEAR IN A MESS: What was the state of your father's home when you first arrived? If he was messy from the start, it may mean that your father is comfortable in the amount of disorder that is usually present. Some people like mess, others are oblivious to it or still others aren't motivated to do anything about it.

Your father truly may not notice that he's living in messy quarters. Should you say something? Well, you might diplomatically point out to him that while you are living there, you intend to do a certain amount of cleaning every day. Ask if he is OK with these tasks. Ask next if he would be willing to do a few things as well.

Be proactive by suggesting particular tasks he might be willing to do to help keep the house in order. If he agrees but doesn't follow up, gently remind him. You may be successful in getting him to do a few things.

Be careful not to fuss with him or to behave disparagingly. This is his home, and he is doing you a favor by allowing you to live with him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am always stuck baby-sitting my younger brother and sister. I wouldn't mind it so much, but they simply do not listen to me. They don't respect my authority, and when I'm nice to them, they take advantage.

I try not to scream too often, but sometimes I just can't take anymore. My mom constantly screams at me for screaming at them, but she does not see what happens when she's not around. How can I get her to understand why I'm so frustrated with my younger siblings? -- Reluctant Sitter, Grand Rapids, Mich.

DEAR RELUCTANT SITTER: In a calm moment, talk to your mother about your concerns. Explain to her that you want to baby-sit your siblings properly, but they don't respect you. Ask her to support you by telling them that you are in charge when she isn't around. It would be helpful if she would take away privileges when they do not obey your directions or treat you disrespectfully.

Meanwhile, you need to work on staying calm. Children follow directions far more readily when the authority figure stays in control. That includes not raising your voice, giving clear directions and sticking to them.

One way to improve rapport with your siblings is to think of fun activities they will enjoy. If you plan things for them to do that seem like adventures -- even if they are in your home -- your brother and sister will be more inclined to be engaged and to enjoy your company. When children are bored is when you have the most difficulty with them.

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