Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am having some problems with one of my oldest friends. I have known her since elementary school, and we are very close. However, I am coming to the realization that she puts no effort into our relationship. It seems like I am the one who always makes plans. As with all my friends, I am happy to do her favors and other kindnesses, even if I am inconvenienced, but it seems like she would never do anything for me that does not benefit her in some way.

For example, she recently texted me, asking if I was free for dinner one night. I was surprised and quite happy that she was reaching out to me, but my hopes were deflated after I received another message asking me to bring her some clothing that I previously had said I would give her. It seems she was interested in me only to get some T-shirts out of it. What should I do? -- Suspicious of Motives

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: One way to keep yourself from going crazy is to accept that people are the way they are. If this friend has always been a taker, she isn't suddenly going to become different because you are tired of her behavior. She is the way she is.

You, however, don't have to be as accommodating as you have been, especially if it upsets you. So, for example, you could go to dinner but not bring the clothes. If you start breaking the covenant you two have established -- one in which you are always the giver -- your friend may begin to adjust her behavior.

Should you tell her how you feel? You can if you want, but don't expect her to change her course. She may not be aware enough of her behavior to change even if she wanted to.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my best friends just lost a relative to whom he was very close. I want to be able to help him in whatever way I can. The thing is, he has totally shut down. He isn't returning any of my calls. I know he is a private person, but I also know that during a time of great loss, people often rely on their friends. How can I get him to let me help? -- Shut Out, Scarsdale, N.Y.

DEAR SHUT OUT: Unfortunately, you cannot force your friend to accept your help. You can continue to reach out. You can leave voice messages expressing your love and support. You can send emails. But not too many -- you don't want to become a stalker.

I'm sure you have made it clear that you are prepared to help. If he decides to reach out, do whatever he asks without admonishing him. He is grieving, and grief can express itself in so many ways. Just be there for him and don't take his distance personally.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Two of my good friends are in a fight. They used to be good friends, and it's unclear what happened. One of them verbally attacked the other one day, and now they refuse to talk to each other. I want to find out what happened. Is it wrong to try and fix things between them? -- Sad Friend, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR SAD FRIEND: It's thoughtful of you to want to mend the fence between your friends, but it's highly unlikely that you can do that -- certainly not unless you are invited to step in. This is their quarrel, not yours. It's not your business to find out what happened. It is up to them to decide where to head from here.

What you can do as a mutual friend is to express your concern. Tell both of them that you care and that you hope they can find a way to rekindle their relationship. You can also say you miss spending time with them as a group. Finally, you can put it out there that if they ever want to talk to you about what happened, you promise to be a compassionate listener. But resist the temptation to pry.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend constantly gets mad at me for not "always being there for her." I'm there for her pretty often, just not every second of the day. We've had several fights about it lately. She isn't always there for me when I need her, either, but I don't get mad at her for not having her phone or being asleep when I want to talk.

How can I get her to understand that I'm there for her when I can be? -- Whipped, Chicago

DEAR WHIPPED: Ask your girlfriend to tell you exactly how she thinks you are failing her. What does "being there" look like for her? When does she think you are successful at it, and when are you not? As uncomfortable as this discussion may be for you, push her for examples of how she thinks you fall short so that you can understand her thinking.

After gathering this information, think about whether you are able to do more of what she wants or whether her demands are unrealistic or unreasonable for you. Then carefully and honestly respond to the different scenarios. Tell her if you agree with her assessment.

Sometimes people want from their partners what friends or family members can provide. Sometimes people want things they actually can provide for themselves. Other times, the two people in a couple truly do not share values, meaning they may not be a good fit if they are unable to serve each other's needs for whatever reason.

Figure out where you two stand, and then have the courage to tell your girlfriend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read the following status update of one of my good friends, Jeffrey: "Hey, guys! It's time to fight for what's right. I quit my job today. No job or financial security. I'm following my dream."

I was shocked but inspired. I wanted to do the same thing. But how could I explain to my wife that I'm quitting my 10-year government job to launch a nonprofit organization? We are $10,000 in debt, and she's expecting a baby. I'm afraid this won't resonate well. What should I do? -- Afraid to Make the Break, Arlington, Va.

DEAR AFRAID: You should be frightened. Perhaps your friend was poised to be able to take such a leap of faith in his life. If so, God bless him. But you are not in the same position. Your responsibilities are rightfully telling you to reduce and ultimately eliminate your debt and create as safe a space as you can for your growing family.

Is it OK for you to be inspired and to dream about a future like Jeffrey's? Sure. But dreaming is different from acting.

I urge you to dream about your future. What does it look like in your boldest vision? With that image in mind -- and with input from your wife -- map out a plan to make your vision come true. Then work and follow the steps it takes to get there -- at your pace, nobody else's.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Should I tell my best friend that I caused her breakup more than five years ago? One drunken night, I accidentally told her ex of her trifling, cheating ways. She always wondered why he broke up with her all of a sudden, but he swore he would never tell. And he didn’t. Now they are dating again.

Every time I look at him, I think about what I did. The guilt is swirling around my head. I can't stop thinking about it.

Help me weigh the pros and cons of telling my best friend of seven years this deep, dark secret. Should I just bury this secret and act as if I didn't do anything? -- Feeling Guilty, Salt Lake City

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: I have a question for you: Why do you want to confess to your friend? If the reason is that you feel guilty, I say, get over it.

If you tell her about your indiscretion now, after she and her ex have found their way back to each other, your disclosure will be about you. But this relationship is not about you. It's about your friend.

If her ex has come back to her after learning about her previous suspect behavior, let them be. What you can learn from this situation is that it's unwise to get drunk. Bad things often happen when people drink too much. And remember to stay out of people's business. If you stay in your lane, you will be able to sleep better at night.