life

Boyfriend's Jealousy Is Cause for Concern

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 14th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is pretty possessive. If we are in a group, he likes to be the center of my attention, and he doesn't like it if I mention other guys who are just friends. It's not at a point where he is being mean about it or anything, and it doesn’t seem like anything too abnormal. But in case it gets worse, how can I tell him to calm down a bit? -- Under Scrutiny, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR UNDER SCRUTINY: Take a step back and think about your life and what you want in a relationship. Then ask yourself if there is a reason for your boyfriend to be jealous of your male friends. What is your relationship like with them? Be honest: Have you given him any reason to be concerned? If so, you'll need to deal with that. If not, you should seriously think about the man you have claimed as your boyfriend.

Someone who is jealous today will continue to be jealous in the future. Possessiveness can be a dangerous trait. If you believe your boyfriend honestly fits most of the criteria you have articulated for a high-quality relationship, then talk to him about his behavior and ask him to work on it with you. If, however, you are skeptical about his assets and whether he meets your criteria for a relationship, say goodbye now, before he gets too attached.

The person you can control in this situation is you. Decide if it's worth it for you to be in what could be a volatile relationship.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I like a guy who I'm pretty sure likes me, but he won't admit it. Everyone can tell that we are very flirty and into each other. My friend said she would purposely talk about my prom date, who is not my crush, in front of my crush to make him jealous. Is this wrong? Does jealousy work? -- Hopeful, Staten Island, N.Y.

DEAR HOPEFUL: I'm not a big fan of making people jealous to get their attention. I know it is a strategy that some people love, but I prefer honesty.

If you like this guy, tell him. You can do that by inviting him to join your group of friends for an activity and making sure the two of you spend some time together.

Ultimately, you should tell him you like him and see what he says. Do that privately so that whatever the outcome, it's between the two of you rather than on display for others to witness and make comment.

Many males are just as shy as females, and often they are unsure how to let girls know of their interest. Translation: Sometimes the good guys, or at least the shy guys, need a little help. The good news is that giving them a little help is often worth it. So stop your friend from talking about your prom date and make a move!

life

Tenant Retaliates for Leaky Ceiling

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 13th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: I need help with my landlord, who refuses to make repairs to my apartment. During this past winter, my ceiling constantly leaked because of a hole in the roof that my landlord refused to repair. This has been going on for five months, and my landlord promised that he would make the necessary repairs.

I have not paid my rent for the last five months. Do I have the right to withhold my rent payment until the repairs are completed? -- Leaky Ceiling, Chicago

DEAR LEAKY CEILING: Gather up all the documentation you have regarding this matter. Hopefully you have written to your landlord and he has written back regarding the leaky ceiling. If not, send a certified letter stating all the details of the situation and asking that the roof be fixed immediately.

In Chicago, your landlord is required to maintain a safe apartment, which includes a watertight roof. You are required to tell your landlord in writing that the repair needs to be made and allow 14 days for it to be handled.

After that, if you want to withhold your rent, you must let the landlord know what the problem is; tell him that you plan to withhold part of your rent, and how much; and allow 14 days for the landlord to fix the problem, according to the University of Chicago Apartment Guide.

I recommend that you contact an attorney immediately for advice on how to move forward. You are definitely in jeopardy of being evicted if you have not covered yourself with documentation. Get legal support now, and hopefully you will be able to sort this out -- including getting your roof repaired.

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is a person on my job whom I really like. This man is what dreams are made of. I'm having trouble concentrating on my work because I'm dreaming about him. As far as I know, he is single, and he makes all the women on the job swoon.

Here is my dilemma: My company frowns on interoffice relationships. I really like this guy, and I want to date him because I feel like he is the one for me. What is a girl to do? -- Smitten, South Orange, N.J.

DEAR SMITTEN: You have a bad case of "the hots" for this man. My best advice to you is to get over it.

Clearly, he is smooth and charismatic. You say that "he makes all the women on the job swoon." That means he is a charmer who knows what he's doing. Try your best not to get caught up in his web.

Focus on your work. Limit your interaction with him. As tempting as he may be, trust that he does not have your best interests at heart. The "one" for you is someone who has only you in his sight. Your perfect partner is not someone who is entrancing every woman he meets.

life

Don't Assume Everyone Has Access to Facebook

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 12th, 2012

DEAR HARRIETTE: To the student who was annoyed by a classmate who refused to get a Facebook page to communicate, you advised using Google Docs or Skype. As hard as it is for many of us to consider, there are still people who do not have reliable access to the Internet, or even to a computer. It's not fair to penalize a student for something that may be out of his or her control.

As it is, I fail to see what is so difficult about keeping this student up-to-date on committee activities. Have we really gotten to the point where a quick conversation with someone is too difficult? Why not have someone jot down quick notes, or give the student a quick phone call? I feel like this is being made more difficult than it ought to be. -- Stunned, Shreveport, La.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I would like to weigh in on your column regarding a club member's refusal to go on Facebook. I, too, refuse to participate with Facebook because I feel it is a tribute to one's vanity. My life is not fascinating, nor are the daily "doings" of others.

Perhaps young people who want the world to know where they ate or what kind of shoes they purchased think others are fascinated by such drivel, but, frankly, I doubt they are. This recent desire to have EVERYTHING in one's life shared on Facebook because one thinks he or she is special and unique is a sign of total immaturity and narcissism, in my opinion.

There is nothing stopping the officer for the community service club and her co-officers from emailing this individual or (gasp) phoning her, but of course she, I am sure, is much too busy to do so. Officers in little organizations such as hers have an overblown sense of their own importance, as in this case, since she is soooo irritated that she must be inconvenienced a bit! -- Other Side of the Coin, Chicago

DEAR STUNNED AND OTHER SIDE: Thank you for your letters. You make some valid points, and I would like to go a little deeper with this discussion.

The letter writer made it clear that the student in question had a computer but chose not to use Facebook. That's why I recommended the other online options.

Of course, in general, it is smart to have the option of personal interaction, as well as note taking, for any organization. I think the reason the original writer was promoting Facebook is that it allows multiple people to communicate simultaneously with ease. Technology does have its benefits.

Regarding the anger that Other Side feels, I understand that some people -- young and otherwise -- use social media to share trivial information regarding their lives, but that is not what this person wanted to do. This student's group was interested in using technology to make its work easier. That is an honorable pursuit, even if it didn't work because of one of the member's preferences.

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